Addicted to Family

So my brother got Settlers of Catan for christmas, and it was funny because he couldn't wait to open it so that we could all play it. I have heard so many people talk about how amazing it is, and i was like whatever. But it is seriously one of my new favorite games!! It is so incredibly fun. I won earlier on today, i was so proud of myself :) but we had 6 players just barely and we played for 2 and 1/2 hours. Crazy crazy. But so much fun :)

Seriously though, there is nothing better in the world than sitting around at a table with your family, eating chips and dip, drinking some cran-grape (oh yeah, brian regan right there) and sprite, and playing games. It is the best thing in the world! I just.. i mean, i know that when you are a teenager, friends make you who you are. You are so... depressed when they don't text you, or sad when you aren't invited to something, or you feel on top of the world when you all go to a park, but, as my mom once said, friends come and go but family is here forever. They seriously will always be there, whether you want them to or not :) but you are at school for a short time, there are occasional dances or movies to go to, but you always have to return home, where your family is. Have you noticed that you really don't have to worry about what you look like or what you say in front of your family? Like, i wear sweats and walk around without my hair done and smudged makeup but no one cares. You don't care and neither do they.

Anyway, I am loving this christmas break. Its super relaxing and chill. Our whole family saw Avatar today, which is an amazing movie! CGI is awesome, and the story is very emotional. I saw it for the first time with Heather and Kirk on Saturday. It was so nice of them to invite me :) but it was way fun. Like i said, this break is great and its nice to have a week to do some mental planning.

Awesome Early Gift

My counselor asked if i needed clothes, because adoptee parents buy clothes and give them to LDSFS to give to us. I wasn't sure, because i feel bad getting clothes that im not going to wear for much longer, but she said they had a butt load, so she brought some over last night and they are amazing! You never realize what a blessing simple things like clothes are until you have none, or none that fit for that matter. And there was a pair of jeans that actually fit! Amazing! I haven't had a pair of jeans for months, it is so nice. Thank you to anyone out there that donated those clothes, it really is so nice and such a blessing :) Merry Christmas everyone!

The Scarlet "P"

In sunday school yesterday, the lesson was on "The Family; A Proclamation to the World", and talking about that. It was a very good lesson, and i was doing well until we got to the part about how procreation is solely for after marriage. Yeah... first off, it was Gospel Doctrine, and they have two different classes, and i was in the smaller one, which means there was... like 15 other people? So the lesson was directed at the Youth and how we can make family the number one priority in their life. Im not a "youth" anymore, i guess, but still. There i was, the pregnant teenager. Example to all!

Anyway, the thing about how procreation after marriage stung a little, because i know its true. Seriously, i know that what i have done is wrong, and that i really should have waited until after marriage, and i have been paying the consequences and im doing what i think is right, and i know that the Proclamation to the World is true. And i know that no one was trying to point me out, i know that. But this woman made a comment, something about (i have an awful memory, im trying to remember) how it is really important for teens to wait until after marriage, because participating in that can destroy the soul, and it is so hard for girls if it ends up badly (im guessing she meant getting pregnant) and that the girls can ruin their lives and so can the boys, a bunch of stuff like that.

 I was trying sooooo hard to keep my head high and not let things get to me, but my face got hot and the lump started forming in my throat, and i started thinking "Ok, do i stand up and walk out like i have to go to the bathroom and save myself from possible embarrassment or would it look better to stay and be strong??" Anyway, it was interesting, because when she was done there was like, this silence for a couple seconds. There was an air of like "Oh no, Mariel is in the room. Awkward!" and i think they all noticed me tearing up. So yeah, i felt like a retard. But then a guy behind me, who i really admire and appreciate for saying this, started saying how it is hard when girls get in those predicament and how the boys often leave them and they have to struggle through the hardship and pain and embarrassment, as if they are wearing a scarlet "P" on their stomach, and how, if the girls make the right choices, they are so strong and amazing and we need to admire them. Yeah, i started crying when he mentioned the guys leaving. I know he said it as a complement to me and to make me feel better. I think i was mostly crying because i felt stupid FOR crying in front of everyone, so i turned to grab my bag but there was a lady walking towards me, and she sat down and put her arm around me and someone passed over kleenex. So i got to sit there for the rest of the lesson getting sympathy glances just because my stupid hormones had to act up. Grrrr

So yes, i just felt stupid. I know that the teacher in no way, or anyone else, directed anything said at me, i know that, dont get me wrong. The teacher came up after and was apologizing, and it was fine, she didn't mean anything. But its true, you know, you should not, for any reason, have sex before you are married. And its not just because you can get pregnant. Really, the worst part is what it can do to you. I was in a dark place for a very long time, and it is impossible to describe, but... it really can hurt your soul, how you feel about yourself and others, and it distorts your view of love. I hate confessing it and realizing it, but i feel that my relationship with jasper really didn't have love in it. Genuine love and respect. I did love him, i really did, but not in the right way, and not in the way that a couple needs to love each other, and i know that it is the same on his side. I know he loved me (i hate saying it, i mean, im still a little bitter here), but he didn't fully respect me and love me like he should have, or like any guy should love a girl. Lust in no way equals love.

The comment that the woman made was right, it can hurt you and destroy you, and things can result from it. Like pregnancy, obviously. But, like i have said before, i never view Little Buddie as a mistake, a bad thing, my punishment, whatever. I don't. He is beautiful and amazing, and he is going to be such an amazing young man. He is a son of God, and he is this beautiful amazing human being. How could he be a mistake? How could he be a bad thing? The time isn't right for me, but the time is definitely right for him. He is supposed to be here, and he is supposed to be with Heather and Kirk right now. Its just interesting, you just think of the birth mom, and how its "unfortunate" for her to be pregnant, and sad for her to "loose" her baby, and its a good thing that the baby is going to a couple, but if you really think about it, its really like Heavenly Father planned it. Heather and Kirk have been waiting for kids, and, for whatever reason (in a good way, that sounded kinda harsh :/), Little Buddie is supposed to be with them now. Its just like any couple or family having a baby, there is a time that that kid is supposed to join that family, so this is Little Buddies time. Hes a comin. And of course there are times when I feel like he is supposed to be mine, or i wonder why this has happened to me (well, other than the obvious), but i just can't picture him being with me. Im his deliverer, and im simply his way to get here on earth to do his thing.

Preachy, i know. I think too much. But, something that the guy in sunday school said, the thing about the Scarlet P, it has stuck with me. I just had to read the Scarlet Letter barely, and i read it last year too, and when i read it this time i would almost start crying because i know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through. Though most people know who the father is, unlike her situation. But the looks and comments and everything, its crazy. The way people look at me, it really is like i have this huge P on my belly. I know it will take me a while to get used to people being normal after i have the baby. Because i just mentally put on this face and give people a look, so after birth, i might offend some people. Hahaha, we will just have to see i guess.

Heather and Kirk came over for dinner last night! So much fun, i love them! Thank you guys!

Seriously... read this

My friend has an awesome blog, and she sent me one of her blogs that she wrote while she was pregnant. She wrote down parts of a talk by Spencer W. Kimball called The Miracle of Forgiveness. I read it today and i thought it was so dead on about how i feel and how these situations really turn out. (though i bolded and underlined my favorite things, read it all :) )

"In this situation it is the girl who suffers most... She carries most of the burdens, while the boy often goes penalty-free. The girl most go through the uncomfortable nine months with its distress, deprivations, limitations and embarrassments, and then the pain and expense of delivery and the difficult life afterward. It is a cowardly boy who would not propose marriage, pay costs, share the deprivations and embarrassment. Yet many young men have walked away and abandoned the girl to all the devastating payments for the sin of them both. Parents frequently excuse the son on one pretext or another, and leave the girl to suffer for the sins of them both."


"To buy the girl off or abandon her to her lifelong problem is not courageous, nor fair, nor right. The time will come when every individual will pay full price, and perhaps with interest, every obligation incurred even though it was hidden or covered at the time."


"The young girl who sins realize that all the sorrows, inconvenience and suffering she goes through incident to the carrying and bearing of a child do not fully constitute forgiveness of her sin. She must repent and make her proper adjustment. Let the boy realize too that none of the suffering of the girl minimizes his guilt, but rather magnifies it. For many reasons he may not be prepared to settle down to family life, but he has by his immoral act projected himself into adulthood and has broght upon himself responsibilities which he will do well to accept and discharge as honorably as he can. Like the girl, he needs to find his way to total repentance, and the road leads through acceptance of responsibility, not away from it."


"For the boy, perhaps the matter can be glossed over and covered up by parents who seek to avoid publicity and a scandal, but have they realized what they have done for their son's soul when he doubles his transgression by failing in his repentance? True repentance means restitution, meeting every obligation and restoring every damage so far as is possible. Yet it is strange how many times parents of the boy decide the girl who was good enough for him to date suddeny became promiscuous and therefor is now unworthy for their son; strange also how few of the parents charge th boy with promiscuity and consequently encourage their son to pass up his responsibilities, even to his own detriment; strange how many parents charge the girl who having trapped their son and now rate their boy "holier than thou" and the girl is not worth of further consideration in the matter!"


(This is him talking to boys) 'Why did you precipitate yourselves into this demanding situation? Why did you do the act which would make you parents? Why did you engage in associations which demand home, employment, status? Your completely irresponsible act and your reaction to it brand you immediately as immature. You seem highly interested in yourself and your conveniences, and your desires. Are you going to run and leave the girl to carry your baby with all your penalties too? It is time you both grew up and matured and faced realities. This situation is not the intention of either of you but it is the result of your loose actions. You made the choice when you broke the law of chastity. You knew it was wrong. You knew this problem could result. Now if you are going to grow up and meet life's issues; if you are going to be fair and just; if you are going to start out a good life on a straight road start now to meet your responsibilities...
Today is a good day to start a new life of mature responsibility. Cease blaming others, start to accept your own responsibility. Make up your own mind. You brought this about together, now solve your problems together. Forgive each other and move along and make the best of a difficult situation, and do not run away from it."


The End.


So, basically, this talk is amazing. I am so grateful for Stefanie for sending it to me. It wasn't the easiest thing to read, but i just love how he says that it really is the girl that suffers, she gets all of the embarrasment, harrasment, the physical and emotional pain. The guy can SO easily walk away, and cover anything. But just because he can walk away from it doesn't mean that he is just as much as guilty as the girl. I wish people would realize that. We both have to repent just the same, neither of us are excused from it in any way. 


I don't think the answer for everyone is marriage, especially if you are too young to be financially ready. But i don't think the answer for everyone is adoption either. There is such a range of situations in my group, everyone does what is best for them. But no matter what the situation, like Spencer W. Kimball said, the boy  should never ever abandon the girl and leave all of the guilt for her. He needs to take responsibility and do what is right for himself and for her. Responsibility, i love LOVE how he used that word a lot, because that really is what you need. Responsibility. It is what guys need to buck up and get! But so do we girls, and i know that we all have gotten and learned it the hard way. 


Thanks again Stefanie for the amazing talk, it seriously helped me :) love ya

Senioritus to a Whole New Level

East Shore makes it very easy to have senioritus :) it just gets very hard! I mean, it takes some motivation to drive 13 minutes down there, spend a good hour or two, then drive back. And since the work is on computer, it takes some mental slapping in the face to not catch up on the 20 shows i watch or play solitaire. Or both at the same time, which really annoys my brothers... but i did talk with my counselor and he let me check out more packets, so that instead of two i can be working on 4! It might not sound cool to you, but it is very nice to be working on 4 different subjects and getting more done instead of 2. And i would much rather stay at home than be down there. Again, why do i have to get laughed at every day? We are in Utah! Being prego isn't new people. Geez.

So, my previous goal was to be graduated before december, mostly to be graduated a whole semester early. But also to have it done before baby. BUT, it didn't work, so my new goal is March, getting done a term early. I think that is pretty good. Plus, it will give me stuff to do after baby. Don't you just love how you think you are ready to graduate and BAM you have like 5 credits of things missing that you had no idea about? Yeah. I just love it.

Everyone is saying that i should come back to Orem High for last term. I would love to see everyone too, believe me. And i would like to have somewhat of a senior year, but i really dont know. Not gonna lie, this is going to be hard, and im not sure how i will feel around people. Really... i might feel like killing people. Harsh, but its hard to be around people that don't understand what you have gone through. Some people are awesome, and are just nice and cool and are your friend no matter what, but some people really don't think before they open their mouth and just say dumb stuff. And, i would be "that pregnant girl... i think she gave her baby away... i wonder where the dad is". I can hear the rumors now! Yes, Orem is a good school but rumors fly and names stick, no matter what high school you're at. But who knows, i might have to go there anyway to finish all of my credits. So  yes, i have senioritus, but it is on a very different level than most other people.

Change of Thought

I've realized that i have really been stressing myself out lately. My counselor kinda made me realize that there were solutions to my worries. If he shows up, there are restraining orders, the police (to be extreme), I have people that could help me/kick his butt. But i think about how much time i have left, and i don't know. You never know when this baby is going to want to come, and i feel really unprepared. I know that there is no way to prepare, but today i just really thought about what i want to do while im still pregnant, and i need to start concentrating on those things. I can't worry about him anymore, and there isn't much to worry about anyway. I need to focus my attention on little buddie, and what i want to do with him while im still pregnant. I also need to start working on my scrapbook, which will be a nice distraction from things, and i really want him to have it. I don't need to have it done by his birth, but i would like to have a big portion of it done, like the part about me.
I just know that i've been causing stress, but i have also been giving myself stress, and i need to relax and prepare myself mentally for whats to come. I cant focus all my energy on jasper, i mean, thats the reason i broke up with him. For the past five years, my life revolved around him, and it totally drained me in all possible ways. I wanted to be free, and to be my own person. To pursue my goals and dreams, and be Mariel. Yet im still spending so much energy stressing over him. I need to change and focus my thoughts on Little Buddie, scrapbooking, school, and preparing for birth. Ugh to the last one. 

I Knew It!

So, before i explain the title, i did put my blog to "invite only" whatever, but then i changed my mind and put it back to open. I was worried about Jasper reading it, or just getting info from it, but im pretty sure he already knows about the adoption, and i really don't say anything specific on here. Im definitely not going to say when im due, when im going into labor, or say anything about the labor until AFTER papers are signed. Why? For this reason.

You know that rumor about him coming to visit for New Years? Everyone told me not to worry, and that he probably won't visit me or try anything. I know him, i know what he is like, and i knew that he wasn't coming just to visit some old friends. Im not dumb. So, today, i got the email that i had been waiting for. Not literally, but you know, i knew it was coming. Basically, he wants to be at the birth. He said he knew that i didn't want him to talk to me (yeah, he obviously can't take hints very well), but this baby is just as much his as it is mine, and he wants to be there. If i could tell him the due date, or the time around when i think ill have him, that would be great. Ok... first of all, I KNEW IT! To all of you who thought that he wasn't going to try anything and that his visit was innocent, i just have to say i told you so. Just kidding, sorry, im in a crabby mood. But, the email didn't surprise me. I knew it would come up eventually.

So i wrote back saying that i know he didn't want to be there just for the birth and just to see him. I said that i couldn't trust him and i had a feeling that his intentions were to try to convince me to keep it. I mean, really, i know he is not ok with adoption. Im sorry that he isn't, but... i guess i just wish he could see what i see in adoption. See that it is the right thing for this child. So i know that hes not coming to just see the birth and that everything will be fine. I have a sick feeling that he would try to convince me to keep, try to sign something to keep it from happening, or who knows, kidnap him or something. Ok, the last one was extreme. But really?

And i will admit, for a minute or two, i really thought about it. Ironically, i read a post from my friend Stefanies blog. I read what she wrote about her labor. She had her baby daddy there, and she talked about how neat it was to have him bond with the baby and have that time with her, but to also have his support, and have someone there who knew almost exactly what she was going through. I was thinking about it, and again, for a minute, i was thinking that i wanted that too. I just wanted this baby to know who his dad was, to have pictures of the three of us for him to know that we both love him so much. But, i know that that is impossible. I know that he doesn't feel as i do, and he wouldn't be there for me or to support anything, he just wants to see the baby. Which i understand. Dont get me wrong. I know he wants to see his child, but i feel that its not for the right reasons. I told him that i dont want extra stress or drama, and that he would most likely bring that if he came. I really just dont want him at the birth. Its going to be the hardest thing of my life. The right thing, but the hardest thing, and i dont want any stress or pressure or drama from him. Period.

Also, giving birth is pretty personal. Like, im pretty sure that only my mom is going to be in there. Im not sure yet about Heather, i would love having her in there, but ill have to see how i feel, i guess :) but yeah, my dads not going to be in there, none of my friends. I know its different for everyone, but this is definitely going to be a very private and personal thing for me. Heck, im not sure if i want people visiting me afterwards yet! Jk, i probably will. But... i dont know, its just... i dont want him there. Not only for the fact that im pretty exposed and birth is pretty intense and gross, but i feel like, other than my parents, family, counselor, etc., ive been in this pregnancy alone. This has been my own journey, and he hasn't been a part of it. He was, but he made some mistakes, and i had to leave him out of it. But even when he was, he wasn't there all the time. This has been my personal journey, and there have been people on it that i care about, like my mom, dad, siblings, some extended family, my counselor, some friends, heather and kirk. But not him. I really feel like he doesn't deserve to be there. He wasn't here for me, didn't prove himself to be worth being here for me even if he wanted to be, and he doesn't deserve to be there. At all.

So, i talked to my parents about his email, and we decided that it was best that my dad wrote him back. My dad just said that i have told him several times to not contact me, and if continues to disrespect that wish then we will get a restraint. No one wants him there, and he has no right to be there. I dont want him in my life anymore, and he needs to move on and stop contacting me. I love my dad :)

Anyway, i wish this drama would end, but i fear it never will. Sorry if there is ever a lack of information about how baby is doing, but im going to be really careful about what i say, just to be safe. I dont want him showing up or anything, so im going to be a little on the downlow from now on. Just about baby :)

Relief & Worry

I got another ultrasound and Heather got to come! It was very neat to have her there. Its weird, at 20 weeks, you can see the whole baby in the picture, but at this point, its so big that the technician has to move all over to see the different parts! Little fatty :) Man, look at Heather, she is seriously so pretty.

So, i honestly don't know how much information to put on here, because im not sure who is reading it and not. But, i will say that everything is a-ok. I was worried when my doctor said i was measuring small. The ultrasound nurse said that the problem is his abdomen, which is measuring small, so i got sent to a parentologist, who also did an ultrasound and said that everything looks good, its just his abdomen. It is a few weeks behind in growth, so they are just going to keep an eye on him. He said that the worst that could happen, if he is still measuring small, is that he would be early, which would actually be a good thing. My mom wasn't surprised, because all of us were early for her, and my grandmas babies were all early, and you can take after your mom, so my mom is reassuring me. Its just crazy, if i were early, this poor guy. Happy New Years! :)

But that is the hardest part of pregnancy. Unless you're induced, you never know when he's going to want to be here. But its also a good thing, because there are some people that i do not want knowing when he is born. Jasper Update: according to recent rumors, he is "coming to visit". Yup, coming to visit for New Years. Coincidental timing, huh? But who knows, he might not, and he might not even see me while he is here. But if he tries to,... oh doggy. I might have labor in prison. I know, i know, gotta be humble.

The most ANNOYING thing happened though. Not huge, but very annoying. We haven't talked for weeks. Thats totally fine with me, it is what i have wanted, and i have been moving on and yadda yadda. But, i randomly got a comment on a photo on facebook from him. I thought i blocked him, but i guess people can still look at someones photos? Anyway, it was an old picture i put on forever ago of us at preference two years ago. He commented on it saying "I totally miss that day. Most fun dance ever!".......... what the crap? Again, with the acting like we are long lost friends who should catch up. Bub, thats not how it is. Stop acting like we're best buddies. Plus, what was he even doing looking through my photos? The nerve! Grrrrr i swear, what i will do if i ever see him again. This anger plus pregnancy anger is NOT VERY PRETTY!

By the way, i love the snow. Im so hot lately, so it feels incredible! And its pretty, and im makin cookies with my mom, and its a good week. Well, i was stressed about the appointments, but im relieved now, and i just gotta get started on my scrapbooking!!

Good Song

So, i used to have the Avril Lavigne album, "Under My Skin", but then my cousin stole it like 2 years ago. But i listened to one of the songs today, and i remember loving it and i fell in love with it again. Its called "Together", and the lyrics are so perfect for how i was feeling during my relationship with him, and how i feel now looking back on it. The bolded stuff is what describes it best.


Something's just isn't right
I can feel it inside
The truth isn't far behind me
You can't deny
When I turn the lights out
When I close my eyes
Reality overcomes me
I'm living a lie

When I'm alone
I feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel

Together 
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall

This has gone on so long
I realize that I need
Something good to rely on
Something for me

When I'm alone
I feel so much better
And when I'm around you
I don't feel

Together
It doesn't feel right at all
Together
Together we've built a wall
Together holding hands we'll fall
Hands we'll fall

That album was her best i think. She has really emotional songs that hit you hard. Love it so much, i need to go steal it back!
So, kind of a depressing song, but it is seriously like "Whoa". Something always did feel wrong, but i never wanted to admit it. It went on for so long, and there were so many times when i needed to end it, and do something good for myself. But, i cant regret not leaving him earlier for forever. He taught me life changing lessons, and gave me a TON of things to put on my "must have" list for my future for my husband. (Like, qualities he had/still most likely has, that i DONT want. You know what i mean). Plus, he gave me little buddie. I love this little guy, and i love what he has done for me, and what he will do for me. And, seriously, i love heather and kirk. They make me so happy, i just love them to death. Shes coming to my ultrasound tomorrow! Im excited, but a tiny nervous. Wish me luck!

Its Beginning to Look A Lot like Christmas

Yay for Christmas decorations! Im kinda sad that we didn't get a real tree this year. Organizing the branches was a pain though!And no, i didn't kill myself putting those lights up, i wanted to! I wanted to do something and be productive. I know im pregnant and cant do a lot, its so annoying. Thank you to mom and dad and siblings for helping :)

A Little Scare...

So, i had my 34 week appointment today. My nurse was like "Have you not gotten your Rhogam shot yet?" and i was like "Uh... no?" Apparently my blood is negative, which, for those of you who want to know, can be bad if your baby has positive blood. Basically, if your baby has positive and you are negative, your body doesn't recognize it and builds antibodies to attack it. Yeah... sounds like a sci-fi thing. Anyway, I guess they wanted me to have my shot (which prevents you from creating the antibodies) at like 28 weeks, so im a little behind. I mean, they don't know the babies blood type. My parents are both negative so all of us were fine. I have no idea what Jaspers type is, and i really don't feel like asking. It was just funny how  the nurse was like "Whoa!" and all worried, but my doctor wasn't too worried about it, so i think its ok. I had my blood drawn and then i get my shot this week. So it was a little scary, but ok.

Second tiny scare was that im measuring a little small. You measure by your week, so i should be about 34 cm but im only 31, so i need an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok. My doctors not too worried, he says that taller women tend to be smaller, but they want to check. Even if little buddie was small, it would be fine, they would just keep a closer eye on me. Good thing about this ultrasound is that i get another chance to see little buddie, and Heather is coming, so she gets to see him too!! It will be cool :)

Snow!

Let me tell ya, i love snow. More than anything! Part of my Canadian blood still pumps strong when it snows :) I woke up this morning at like 4 with heart burn (ugh) and i looked out my kitchen window and it was so gorgeous. The red sky with the white haze of snow blowing, it was so cool! I would just much rather be cold, i hate hate the summer. If you're cold, you bundle up with hot cocoa and blankets and sit in front of the fire! I wore a lite jacket today while christmas shopping, and i felt soooo good. I know im like, super hot with this little furnace in me. Im burning right now in my house, but everyone else is freezing, so we gotta keep it at this temperature. Sigh. But even without being pregnant, i love the cold! I was born in it!! Not literally...

Im so glad this baby is a winter baby. I love being pregnant in the winter, i would die if it were summer right now. I wonder if he is going to get some of my canadianness in him and love winter. Well, he will be a utahn, so he will have to like it at least a little. Or maybe he will get some of his dad's californianess. He HATED the cold. When it snowed, he would stay in his room under 6 blankets playing xbox. He would not leave the house for any reason. Haha, what a weirdo, i LOVE THE SNOW!! Another complete opposite we had. So, i am hoping that this baby takes after his mama :)

Nutcracker!

Look at the size of that thing! And i'm not talking about the Nutcracker....

We got to go see the Nutcracker up in Salt Lake. My dad plays in the pit every christmas. Poor guy, same music over and over and over :) he likes it though, and it is always fun to see. Claire loved watching the pretty ballerina's. Its incredible how they move, if you really think about it. I could never do that, especially now. Just watching them made me hurt! But they did an awesome job :) Anyway, fun outing. Its kinda funny when people stand to the side for you. Its super nice, but i forget im pregnant, and for a split-second im like "What?" and then im think "Right, the big ball on my belly". Haha, its cute. I didnt realize i was really that big. Golly geez!

Trying to Forget

So you know how i said that the jasper thing hasn't really hit me yet? Bam. I don't know why its come heavy this week, but man oh man. I hung with an old friend, and i learn new things about him and new lies, and... i cant tell you how much it hurts. Why does it hurt so much? I know he's a slime ball, a jerk, a manipulator, a liar, and i KNOW that hes not right for me, but it still is one of the worst pains. Why do we girls do this to ourselves? It feels like a dark cloud has been over my head, and i really need to try to be happier. I need to distract myself with other things, but it doesn't work. I have this monologue constantly playing in my mind, what i would say to him, if i were to write him a letter, what would it say. None of it is pretty either.

Believe me, im glad that i got him out of my life. I need to move on, and i will meet a better guy. Im doing the right thing, but the fact is that im still bearing his child. Its a constant reminder, and it hurts. There are thousands of reasons why im placing my baby, but a tiny reason is that fact that i wont have a reminder of him in my life. Plus, i dont want him involved in my baby's life at all. Yeah, its his flesh and blood, but its my baby, and i am going to protect him from any dangers, and thats why im placing him with Heather and Kirk.  Oh, someone told me yesterday "Thats so great that you're giving your baby away". No. Im not giving him away. Please dont ever EVER say that. I am blessing him with his true parents, and im placing him into their loving arms.

I just wish that it were easier to get over him. Everyone that i talk to knows him, and right now, its a huge mystery going around about where he is, because no one knows. He disappeared off the face of the planet. Which is a good thing, believe me. But there are some times when i wish i knew where he was. I want to feel safe by knowing where he is. I live in fear, fear of seeing him and having another blow to my chest. Fear that i might seriously shoot him. My brother has guns in his closet, so it wouldn't be hard. Awful to be thinking of murder, but i really just have this deep hatred for him. Everyone tells me that its ok to hate him, but i dont want to hate him forever. I will have to move on, i know, but i wish i could move on now. I hate thinking about him all the time, thinking about killing him and slapping him and yelling at him. Its not good for me, or little buddie. I cried for about an hour last night, and i dont really know why. I just want to forget he ever existed, ever... "loved" me or even cared about anyone other than himself.

Anyway, sorry that its not the happiest thing to read. Sigh...

Standout of the day

Our bishop taught a combined relief society/elders quorum today. Dont really remember what the lesson was about, but he handed out a list of scriptures, and there were 2 that really stood out to me.

The first is D&C 98: 25 and 45, "And again, if your enemy shall smite you the second time, and you revile not against your enemy, and bear it patiently, your reward shall be an hundredfold." and vs 45, " And if he do this, thou shalt forgive him with all thine heart; and if he do not this, I, the Lord, will avenge thee of thine enemy an hundred-fold;"

 I was like... whoa. I had been in a bad mood all morning about jasper, and his stupid email, and when i read this, it kinda hit me in the face. I mean, its pretty self-explanatory. No matter how much crap i receive from him, or other people, if i dont react to it and if im just humble and patient, i will be blessed. Im glad my mom and dad edited my email back to him yesterday. If i were to express all i were feeling, call him names, explain my broke heart, then he would have responded and it would have started a battle. But, with their help, i kept it short and to the point, i wasn't mean or offense or accusing, and i am *trying trying trying* to be humble. I mean, i do want to write an email. Seriously, i want to spill out my guts, use words no one will dare even think, call him names that would make a mosquito gasp! I seriously do, i want him to know how much im hurting, i want him to know what a #$@%^^@ he is, but, im trying my hardest to be humble and to be patient. Im not sure about the second part, saying that i need to forgive him with all my heart. Like, i know i do, but i think it might be a while :) gotta work on that. But hey, i deserve to be hating for a little, right? :) Anyway, awesome scripture that totally just answered questions in my head. Isn't that cool how that happens?

Ok, this one is amazing. Like.... ok. Matt 19:29 "And every one that hath forsaken housees, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life." That one really got to me. I almost felt like that scripture was made for me and any other birth mothers out there. Its not direct at adoption, but the fact that we will receive so many blessing and that we will inherit everlasting life because we are doing the best things for these little spirits in us was so... amazing to me and it really touched me. Its comforting and just, reassuring i guess. Again, i know i say this a lot, but i know its going to be hard. But im grateful for the scriptures, and for the messages, little and humungo, we get. I know, sounding preachy. But yeah, i just wanted to share those :)

Worse then a Bee sting

If you're sick of reading depressed posts, don't read this one. :) kidding. Not really.

Another reason i couldn't be with him anymore, i find out new things everyday that i didn't know. Things he did, people he talked to, places he was. There was such a huge trust issue. I feel like... like he was a double agent, living a second completely different life that i had no idea about. But it wasn't only one other life, its like... he had a certain life to live for everyone he knew. As is there were a closet that he picked an outfit out of. When i came over, he put on his mariel life, when whoever went over... you know. I didn't know him. I thought i did, but... who knows who that was. I just feel like it was one big lie over and over that brought me down and into this deep dark place. It honestly scares me, finding out these things, learning things about this person that i feel i gave my life to. What a waste.

I never want to go into great deep detail, but i thought people would want to know. I got an email from him yesterday. I was so surprised, and i dont know why. I knew he would contact me someday. It has been almost 3 weeks already. Basically, it said "can we have contact? I want to talk to you, i want to know how you're doing. But only if you have time. Dont worry yourself girl. Hang in there :)". Wow. Really? Like, that was all i could think of. Really? You're acting like we're best friends who've lost touch. And he tells me to hang in there?!? He has NO idea of the hell that he has put me through, and he's telling me to hang in there. There were so many things i wanted to say, but i wrote something short, with some editing help from my dad. I reminded him of the fact that i never wanted to hear from him again, and to not contact me. I said "I have moved on, and i wish you would do the same." Yeah, its all mature and cool, but it was hard. I sat looking at the email for about 15 minutes before i thought of what to say back. It hurt so bad. His.... ignorance and... "chill" attitude just... stung. After everything he has done to me, all of the pain he has put me through, all of the lies and cheating, im supposed to "not worry myself" and "hang in there"??? The. Nerve. It has taken strength from Heavenly Father to not march over there and just smack his stupid face.

Again, i have to put it out there that i dont hate him. Im so... upset, hurt, disappointed, disgusted, used, scared... a lot of things, but not hating. I dont want this grudge and darkness to sit on my shoulders for the rest of my life, or even for when this baby comes. I don't need that extra baggage. But it hurts so badly. I cant describe the pain, other than a sting. You know, ive never been stung by a bee, so i don't even know what a sting feels like. I know, im missing out. Never broken a bone, never even sprained something. So lame. But this whole experience... its good for me, i know it is, but im thinking its worse than a broken bone.

Thankful for....

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, i want to say a few things i am grateful for. Why not :)
First, my parents. There is no one that has been more supportive of me through this process then them. They have loved me through and through, and have been very kind and helpful. They push me to do whats best, but they also let me realize that i have to make choices, and they are supportive. My mom is my best friend. She always has been, and during this journey she has become my closest companion. She is so loving, and has such a huge heart. She listens to me and takes me to do things, which i love. She doesn't let me sit around, she makes me go to school to help me get things done, but she also takes me shopping, or just out to keep me active, and i love her for it. I just love talking to her and having her there. I love my dad too, he is so patient and loving. He listens to me and lets me know that he loves me no matter what. I love them both so much, and i know that things would be so much harder if i didn't have them as my therapists and shoulders to cry on :)

One thing that has helped me a lot is the Ensign of General Conference. Seriously.... read it. Even in talks where i read the title and im like "Well, this doesn't really have to do with me", there is always something that stands out and its so amazing. Reading the words of our latter-day prophets.... what could be more helpful and uplifting then that?

My siblings have turned into my best friends, and they are so awesome about this. They love calling me fatty and pretending to punch my stomach. And there are always jokes going around, but i honestly love it. They again are just so awesome and so freaking funny :)

Im grateful for everything i have! General term, i know, but seriously, do you realize how lucky we are? I live in a house with heating, and a fridge and stove and oven, and everyone has a room with a bed and more than several sets of clothes, and our cupboards are full of food. Seriously... we are so lucky, and i know that i take it for granted sometimes. I hear about these other countries, people suffering, and i just know that i am so blessed.

Again, i know i talked about it before, but im so grateful for Heather and Kirk, and for their friendship and their amazing personalities. I love them for who they are, and im grateful that my mom found them :) i know that "little buddie" is going to be in an awesome home with the coolest parents, and he can pursue whatever he chooses, and they will be supportive of it. And im grateful for the choice of open adoption, and that it is more common now. I definitely wouldn't want it any other way, and im happy that Heather and Kirk feel the same.

Last (there is definitely more, but then this blog would never end :) ) im grateful for Heavenly Father, and for the strength he has given me throughout this process. This whole journey would be impossible if he wasn't there to help me, and im grateful and happy to put my trust in him. He has given me a ton, and it blows my mind every day.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  

5.5 miles at 7 months

I don't know why i always think i can do something and totally forget the fact that im pregnant :) It really wasn't that bad, it was a steady flat pace through the San Raefiel swell (spelling?) by Goblin Valley. It was kinda nice to get out and moving, and i realized how completely out of shape i am! I hope being out of shape doesn't affect how i do in birth. Im still really sore, and i was so winded. Sigh...

I have had these severe pains in my upper stomach, and of course i assume the worst immediately and think that they are contractions, and i freak myself out. But i don't think they are. Either my stomach isn't liking stuff i eat or maybe my belly is getting ready for birth? Who knows. Scary stuff though, it makes me think of birth, and i just do NOT want to think about it! It terrifies me! If the pain i had today is anything like contractions, then im not going to do so well. I honestly thought for a second that i was going to die. Im not a good handler of pain.

I realized i was kinda depressed, especially when i talked about friends and people not caring. I still somewhat feel that way, and this experience has helped me realize who people truly are, and who will be your friend. Some of my best friends are girls from my group who are going or who have gone through the same thing. I mean, what could be better then talking to people who don't only know what you're going through but are actually going through it. I love talking to Alyssa, she had her baby a couple months ago, and she is really open with me and tells me how it is. I really appreciate people like that, because i know this is not going to be easy. Our group subject one week was about life after adoption, and four women came in that had been through the same experience. Some were nice and polite, saying they got through it, but two of the women were so awesome, and they were like "Not going to lie, it sucks. It will be the hardest thing you have been through", which is a little shocking to some, but i was seriously thinking Thank You. Im the type of person that likes to know how it is, because then i better prepare myself and i get through it easier. Like getting a shot, i would have my mom pinch my skin and be like "It will feel like this" and then i wasn't as scared. And everyones experience is different, mine might be Hell or worse, but i love hearing peoples stories, and things they did to get their mind off of it.

Jasper news? None. Im surprised too, its like he disappeared off the face of the world. I would usually hear from him by now, or i would have run over there begging him to take me back. Its been 2 weeks now. Our "anniversary" was on Saturday. It was really hard, it made me think of how that became our anniversary. Our first kiss, very lame, funny, and sweet. Im glad i was on a hike to get my mind off of it. And its still hard, everyday, but with the Lords help and help from my family and a few friends, it eases the pain.

Alyssa wrote an awesome blog about the show Glee, and how a girl on it gets pregnant and has the support of her boyfriend and it seems like a happy ever after. I have to agree with her that shows like that and The Secret Life of the American Teenager are total hollywood scenarios. The boyfriend, unless he's amazing, is never there, or ends up being a total frog. They might be supportive at first, but they will get freaked out, get lazy, or just plain not care. I wish there was a guy somewhere that could love me right now, not going to lie. I wish someone could just hang with me, love me for who i am, hold my hand and just love me. It hurts everyday, but i think its for the better. I need to go through this experience by myself and make myself stronger, and not rely on someone else to make me stronger. Because that is what ive done for the past couple years, my happiness and self-esteem relied on this one guy and what he thought of me or said to me. I need to learn to be my own person, and to be strong in myself before i start another relationship. And, there aren't a ton of guys out there that are attracted to pregnant girls. Its a big turn off.

Thank you Alyssa for your post, and thanks to anyone out there that reads this. If there is anyone :) i just hope people know me, and know what i have to say :)

New Moon

New Moon with Heather!! So much fun, i have to give a big kudos to Chris Weitz for making an actual movie and keeping true to the story. And not making people look like they got in a flour fight and ate strawberries. And showing that with a little effort, Kristen and Rob can act. So yes, i am very impressed, and i love Heather for taking me and my mom :)

Good movie, but ill admit, ive always been team edward, but that movie really brought jacob to life for me. I can totally feel for him. And there were things about Edward that reminded me of jasper (my ex.. ya, not the movie one), and it made me not like Edward. It stung everything he said something and it reminded me of him. And the suffering Bella went through the whole movie, i can actually relate. Like, i dont scream into my pillow, that was a little weird. I mean, come on. Really? But watching her kinda made me sad.

So, not going to lie, this week has been really hard. I think the hurt that i was saying wasn't hitting me.. .is hitting me. And the thing is, no one can understand. Like, they can maybe understand how im hurt by the way he treated me because they were treated similar, but im pregnant with his child. I have a life in me that is part him, and it hurts that he ruined that connection. You cannot understand what you feel for your baby daddy unless youve been pregnant. Its one thing to be boyfriend girlfriend, another to be husband wife, but a WHOLE 'nother to be pregnant with each other. You created a life together, you shared something with each other. So when he ruins that,.... it hurts so bad. Yeah, i feel bad for the other girls that hes cheated on, hurt, whatever, but this guy made a child with me, and wanted to marry me, and he does that. Im sorry, but that hurts, and it hurts when people think they are suffering just as much or more as I am.

Im not trying to sound selfish. Its just hard not having friends. All of the people that i used to associate with, at the high school or whatever level, are friends with him. Or knew him. They dont want to talk to me, because they feel it would be awkward. I understand, i guess. Or they dont want to get involved, which i can understand that. Or, they are good friends with the other girls that he has hurt, so all of my friends are in awkward positions trying to talk to me and these other people, and i just feel retarded. Im sorry, but i do. And i dont want to talk to the other girls that he's hurt. I dont want to be reminded of him at all, and i know that they are hurting, but they aren't pregnant with his child, so im sorry, but i DONT want to listen or hear any of their whining. So mean, i know. But i just dont. I feel like what they are going through is petty compared to the hell that i have been through not only for the past 7 months, but the past few weeks.

Ive never been single. Im not bragging, im saying that im not used to this. This... weird aloneness, not having someone there to hold, kiss, to say they love me. To hold my hand, to get texts every so often. If i wanted to quote Bella and be cheesy, i would say "It feels like a big whole has been ripped in my chest", but... its kinda true. There has been a big part of me taken, and i haven't been the old mariel for 4 years. Its weird trying to find her and get her back. People say that this age is hard because you are trying to learn about who you are, and its so true. Im not sure if i know who i am, or who im going to be.

If i offended anyone while reading this.... i would say im sorry, but im not, because this is how i really feel. I know there is likely a person that will read this that has been hurt by jasper too, and im sorry. I know how you feel, trust me.

Im Still Human Ya Know

I just gotta put it out there that even though we get pregnant, we're still human. I am still Mariel, always have been, always will be.

It seriously bugs that so many people i knew were like "Oh, if you ever need anything, im here. You can talk to me anytime" when really, they're in high school. They have their own lives to worry about, and they dont care about me, they just want to know the latest so they have something to tell people at school. They want to officially tell people that they talked to me and that i "said this" so they can look cool.

I am grateful for those people who truly are my friend and have done or do things with me, and im sorry if i offended any with what i just said, but really, it bugs that people ask me how i am because they feel they have to. Yeah, i have a child in me, and some people who i used to associate with, or anyone at my old high school (except you few who are cool and genuinely care about me) just look at me as a girl who got knocked up and think "Oh gosh, i cant believe she did that". But really, im going to have this baby, let Heather and Kirk raise him right, and move on. Im going to go to college, hopefully meet a guy, like, my life isn't over people. I made a mistake but im doing whats right and right now, im working my butt off going to school. Heck, im probably working harder than people who go to a real high school!

So yeah, im still human, i still like to hang out with people that aren't retarded, which i have found out a lot of people are, like they've never seen a pregnant person. We're in Utah, its not new people. Just because i have a little weight in the front doesn't mean i don't like to do the same things and that i don't enjoy people's company.

Heather is taking my mom and I to New Moon tomorrow, what?!?! Im so excited!!!  See, i still like the same old things. Again, im still Mariel. But seriously, so freaking excited for New Moon. Im worried that it might be like Twilight, where you walk out thinking "..... what?" :)

Sorry, just had to let out some steam. The thing that started it was people at East Shore today. They help me think of so many ideas for shirts :)

Gratitude

So our group topic today was on Gratitude, and we got to throw a stuffed frog at each other and say things we were grateful for. I said something, and i really did mean it, so i thought i would repeat it.

I am grateful not only for my adoptive couple, and the awesome relationship i have with her and him, but for who she and kirk chose to be. I just look at how they live and what they make of themselves, and it is just a constant reminder that not only are they awesome people, but they are going to be awesome parents. A big thing that has jumped to the top of my list for "future boyfriends" is having ambition in life. An ambition to make something of yourself, to work, to want to do good, and i see that in Heather and Kirk. He has a great job and it really touches me on how hard they are working to get the room ready for this little guy, its so touching.

And i cannot tell you how much it means to me that they are married in the temple, and that they are faithful in the church. I want this little guy to grow up in a house with a picture of his mommy and daddy in front of the temple in their wedding clothes, and realize the importance of that, and strive for that himself. I want him to take the sacrament every week, be baptized, become a deacon and so forth. And i know that they will do that, and im comfortable with it.

The relationship between birth mom and adoptee parents is so.... unlike anything, i do not think anyone can even comprehend it unless they have experienced it themselves. I don't know how they feel, but i can say that the joy and peace it brings me to look at Heather and Kirk, get to know their fun, loving, spunky personalities, and realize that my son is going to grow up with them is indescribable. Open adoption is such a blessing. Just by what i know of them already, i am so comfortable with them raising my son, and that is so important, i think. To look at them and say, "Yes, he is going to have the best life ever."

Anyway, thats one of the many things im grateful for. Love you Heather and Kirk!

Another day down...

Sometimes, i wonder if it would have been easier to just go to my regular high school. I have to do 15 hours in the gym at school for my PE packet, so i went in a did 2 hours today. Whew! Walking on the treadmill the whole time,... yeah. Pretty incredibly fun. It was interesting, these kids that would stare at me like i was an alien. Um... you have a piercing in your lip and smell like weed. So we're pretty much even. But they ask me when im due as if im holding a gun, or like, its a game or a joke to ask me. Since i stick straight out, this kid didn't notice anything while standing in front of my tedious walking, but when he walked by me, he was like "WHHHHOOOOOAAAA! Dude... when are you due?" Really? Im not the only prego girl there, im not seeing whats so new about this.

I just love watching peoples reactions. Especially when you hold eye contact with a cute guy for a little bit, and then his eyes drift down to your belly and they widen and look away. So great :) But i did hang with an old guy friend last night. I have to go bowling for an online PE class so i can graduate (grrrr) and it was fun catching up. Man, i was winded after bowling my third ball! And i cant do the fancy bend and let your right leg stick out behind you. I swear i had an audience amused at the prego girl try to lift her 9 pound ball. It was the smallest i could go that would still fit my fingers. Wanna know my score? 75. I know, thank you, thank you. I really hope i don't fail the class. Why did i think bowling was going to be easy?

31 weeks in counting

Well, it was 31 weeks yesterday. The final stretch, as some say. Im really scared actually. Pregnancy is so long but it flies by! I remember getting my 22 week ultrasound, thats so weird. Thanksgiving is next week, then christmas, then KABOOM. Ugh, i dont want to think about birth. Ive always been so terrified, hospitals scare me. But im also scared because in a way i dont want it to be over. I think i will miss being pregnant, but i will be happy to be back to normal and be able to go do things. Ive realized there are a lot of things you cant do when you're pregnant!

Clarification

I need to say something about that last one. Some things i said were a little out there and rude, and i do not want anyone thinking that i hate Jasper. I am very upset about what happened, but i could never hate him. We created a life together, and because of that life inside of me, i have become a much better and stronger person. I love this little guy so much, so how could i hate Jasper? In my journal to "little buddie", as heather and I call him since boy names are difficult, I always tell him that i love his daddy, because i do not want him growing up having negative thoughts of his daddy. I do not think any kid should grow up having negative feelings about one parent because of what the other parent said. I hope he realizes that his daddy made some mistakes, and needed to face the consequences, but i dont hate him. I really do not. Im upset and hurt, beyond anything, but i do not hate him.

I sounded very rude, and i want to say that what i said was true, and those were my true feelings, but i do not want to put Jasper in a bad light, especially those of you who read this blog and know who he is. He is not a bad person, but i believe he made a bad choice.

I... just believe that... when you are married, it is not just an excuse to hang out all the time. Marriage is a commitment from the start, and you bond in more ways then just love. Being husband and wife is COMPLETELY different than being boyfriend and girlfriend, and i did not want to be engaged as... a title. I believe that if you are engaged, you start right then a commitment to each other and you start planning for your future. Yes, its cute to have rings and to belong to someone, but if you are engaged... you're pretty serious about each other, and you really REALLY want that person and only that person, and you will do whatever you can to make the other one happy, comfortable, safe, etc.

I think that is why it hurt so much. It hurt that someone who declared that they loved me so much, day in and day out, went and did something like that. It breaks all forms of trust, like, not just a trust of letting them hang with friends, but a trust in everything. What was said that was lies? What was true? Was he really somewhere he told me? And it scared me too. I just feel like i cannot be married to someone who i have ANY trust issues with. At all. Even if i dont trust that they mean it when they say they like chocolate. Ok, that was dumb. But you get what im saying.

So, all-in-all, i apologize for bashing and putting him in a bad light, and i hope that people do not judge him solely on what i said about him. Just releasing feelings, as always.

And THATS why im not marrying you

I dont want to do a Jasper bash on here, but i have to say that i find it really ridiculous that Jasper, my boyfriend for four years, who has been so excited about this pregnancy, who wanted to marry me and started making plans for our future house and was picking out boy names, goes and cheats on me. Really? Are you serious? Just because i didn't want to have sex anymore, and i thought maybe you could be a man and understand and at least TRY to respect me as a person and as your "fiance" if you want to use that dreadful word. Like, really?

Oh, and i love, just love, all the lies. Is there such thing as compulsive lying? He loved telling people we were engaged, that his dad and my mom were planning the wedding and that my dad and him were best buds and hung out all the time. What. The. Crap? Its all news to me, bub. I really appreciate how you just told everyone that we were engaged, and told me "Well, we might as well be". Really? You cant get down on one knee? You cant ask me if im ok with any of this? And your dad is mad because hes trying to plan it and i wont say yes, so he's waiting for an answer. Thats really pathetic, im sorry. Kinda ridiculous. Just kinda.

So, you lied, didn't feel like getting a job because "Everything would work out", you were forcing me into marriage, and you went and did the dirty with your ex-girlfriend while we were STILL together. THATS why im not with you anymore, and THATS why im going to go find better.

First Blog

Well, this is my first blog and I thought that if other people girls like me find relief doing it, then i'd give it a shot. Plus, i thought people should hear my side of the story, since people always assume the worst when they look at a pregnant girl.

I found out i was pregnant back at the first of June. I will say that i was not too surprised, because i had been with my boyfriend for a few years. Well, it was surprising, but of course we were in la-la- everything-is-fine land. We were happy and excited, until reality started slapping me in the face. Hard. I started being really scared, and i realized that i couldn't do it anymore. I needed my mom. She kinda freaked for a few days, but automatically let me know that she was there for me. She has always talked to me, and has been open and honest with me. Same with my dad, i love them both.

I honestly didn't want to go to LDS Family Services. I didn't want to go to this building full of bishops, and have them tell me how i commited a sin next to murder every week and tell me to give it up for adoption. But it ended up that i got a great counselor, who is super bubbly and positive. It helped talking about marriage and adoption, with the pro's and con's of each. At the time, i was going to keep this baby and marry "jasper". Lets just call him that. But i started realizing that having a husband who's a high school drop out who doesn't have a job isn't the best thing. Frankly, he didn't agree, and used my favorite saying to answer his questions. "It will all work out." I swear im never marrying a man who says that.

My mom couldn't sleep one night, and she went online to the LDSFS website and looked at couples. I was a little bugged the next morning when she told me, because i didn't want to be forced into something, and i wasn't too fond of adoption at the time. But she said she found a couple that liked coldplay, and hey, i love coldplay, so i looked at them. In the process of trying to find them, i was seeing other profiles and just thinking "Yuck". It was like online-dating times 10. SO didn't want to do that. But we found them, and.... i dont know, maybe the picture, but something really got my attention. They were so cute! You couldn't help smile when looking at them, seriously. So, i decided to email her. I had no idea what i was doing. But when she emailed me back, she was just so honest and open, and she was so positive too. We continued emailing, and she really just loved to hear about me. I liked being able to be open, letting her know that i was still with Jasper and that i hadn't decided anything.

After a couple weeks of emails, we decided to have a face-to-face. While waiting, i thought i was going to throw-up. Like, why was i so nervous? No idea, but i was so scared to meet them. My counselor told me that i would have a really good feeling or a really bad feeling, so i was terrified of a black cloud. But when they walked in, i felt really good. They didnt have a halo or anything like those way cool stories other girls tell, but i did feel comfortable. We talked for a while then went to lunch, and it was the first time i had ever finished a pork salad from bajios. Man, i felt like a pig! I was worried they would think i would get the baby fat, which i still wonder sometimes with how much i eat.... anyway, all in all, it was good.

We kept emailing, which the husband commented on how long our emails were and she was like "You're a man, you dont understand!" They are so freaking funny. She took me to get pedicures, and we kept on emailing. So yeah, it had been going on for a while, and my counselor was always like "So... are you feeling good about them?" She was totally waiting for me to say i wanted them, because i think she could tell that i was sure about them. But one week, her and my mom were finally like "Mariel, what is holding you back?" And... i couldn't think of anything. Well, there was Jasper, but thats another blog for another day. So she looked at me and was like "Mariel, lets do it!" And i was like "uh.... ok?" But i really did feel good about it, so we started planning on how to tell them. We decided that we would ask them to dinner, all casual like, and they would show up to a decorated table with a basket that contained a bunch of baby goodies. I was super excited!! I love the element of surprise!

Then things got bad. Ugh. So, basically there was another birth mom that was really liking them, and she wasn't sure yet if she wanted them or not. Seriously, it turned into a battle. So, while im on cloud number nine planning this big surprise, heck, my mom and i even went and bought everything, my counselor calls me saying "Dont get mad, ok?" Right, like im going to stay calm when you say that. She said this other girl was going to call them right then to tell them that she chose them. WHAT?? My surprise ruined? She said "Here are they're numbers, call them now!" So dramatic, i know. So i couldn't reach her but i got him, and i was like "So,... this is really lame, and i had something cool planned out, but... basically, i love you guys to death and you're the couple for me!" Ugh, i was so bummed that i couldn't surprise them, it was ridiculous how mad i was. He was way excited and hoped in his car to go see her at work and tell her, but i was like "Hey, what if you kept it on the down low and we could still surprise her?" He was ok with it, though i didn't want him to get in trouble and sleep on the couch for the rest of his married life :P but he was ok with it. YAY!! SURPRISE STILL ON!

NOT! Another call from my counselor. "Dont be mad, ok?" Gosh dangit woman, don't say that to me! She explained that he told her (i'll admit, i was a little mad for about 4 seconds that he told her), but she said that they wanted to tell me something and they didn't know how to tell me. O...K....? Basically, she was prego. I was like "What?". SO surprised. She asked me if i still felt ok about them, and for a second i doubted, but i knew in my heart that they were the ones. I had always known. So, we still planned on dinner.

The thing i loved was how i texted them being like "Well, i got some stuff to think about, but i cant wait for dinner!" I was such a jerk. Hey, i wanted my element of surprise gosh dangit. So, i was so scared (again) thinking i was going to barf, and they walked into Carrabbas to the table that my mom, dad and i were at, and after we gave hugs, they saw the basket and it was just awesome. Side note, basket had a really cute blanket, toy elephant, baby soap, THE CUTEST baby onesies and pants, two of my most favorite childrens books (Baby beluga and I Love You Forever), baby booties and socks, and some hangers. I think i got it all. We had a great dinner, and it was a huge relief. Except the awful stomach ache dinner gave me. Yuck.

So, basically, thats my story so far. Well, i mean, theres a lot more, but i felt that this has already been pretty long. Theres little details, and i bet you're wondering about Jasper, but again, another blog for another day.