Baby Tami=Irony to the Max

This is Tami. I had to take care of her a class at school. Yes, she is electronic. You'd think that they would give me a break, since i kinda already had one on one experience with this, but the teacher was nice and cut it down to 24 hours instead of three days. 


Tami. Is. LOUD!!! Oh my heck, she screams so loud, i had to watch her closely because my brothers wanted to beat her with a bat. You wear this bracelet that you have to touch to her when she starts whining. It will chime, which means that she "recognizes" you, and then you either rock her until she stops, try a bottle, which has a magnet in the nipple and she makes a sucking noise when shes eating, change her diaper, there are several diapers with magnets in it and she will coo when that was the right thing to do, or burp her, which you have to (harder than a normal baby) pat her back until she burps. When you find out what the right thing is to do, she will coo. She cries randomly, she doesnt like being set down, and, again, she is LOUD so  you want to take care of her asap. Shes about 7 pounds, so pretty heavy. 


It was very annoying, and it obviously isn't a real baby, they are cute and you connect more with them. But there were definitely some learning experiences. She started crying while i was trying to make food, and so i had to bounce with her while trying to make food one-handed, and my mom was like "That is what i looked like with you, you NEVER wanted to be set down". My attention had to constantly be on her, i couldn't do homework or make food or go places, i was SO exhausted from being kept up at night. So, it was a real eye opener. It kinda resolved feelings i had about missing Jack, and thinking i could take care of him. But, at the same time, when i would hold her, i would kind of wish she was Jack a little, and i tried to convince myself that i could have maybe done it, but i would look in the mirror, see my ghostly exhausted appearance, and know that it was the wrong thing. Jack definitely is supposed to be with Heather and Kirk. I know that i couldn't have done it. 


Tami, something electronic, annoyed me to death! Not saying that Jack would have annoyed me, but i would not be able to go to school, or even run to the store, or do things with friends, or anything. I would be so exhausted and stressed. Tami made me so paranoid and stressed, it made me realize that i would be a disaster if i tried to be a mom at this age. I am not ready at all, and i dont think i will be ready for a long time.


Ugh, the irony was sickening. But it was kinda fun, and a definite eye opener.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

FSA held a party at Classic Skating tonight, and i went, and failed at skating. Sigh. So i decided to hang with some other friends, and we played fugitive which was FUN, but exhausting. Im SO out of shape, i hate my love handles. Grrrr.....

I officially hate boys. Just throwing that out. They are stupid and they think WE are horomonal, they are the ones  that have serious mood swings! And they are so FLIRTY. GAH! They flirt with anything that has a female voice. They just love having all of these girls after them and not even realize that they are crushing many hopes because girls take things serious guys. Please note that.

I love Jack. I love love love love love him to death. He is the best thing in my life, he is "my personal brand of heroine". Man, gotta love making fun of that movie.

This is a random post. I am really down and blah and my life just feels like one big blah. Blah blah blah.

Dipping My Toe in Different Ponds

So my counselor is worried that im trying to do too much at once. I agree. It is nice to get out and be with people and be social, but... i dont know how to be social. I am not kidding. I had ONE boyfriend, and that was where my attention was. I never hung out with friends, went to movies, went to the mall. Well, a few times, but hardly ever. So i dont know what to do when i go with a friend to their friends friends house with a bunch of people i dont know. Im bad a socializing. Im working on it. So im trying not to freak myself out and get too wound up.

She says i need to be a diva. I need to figure out what Mariel likes to do, love myself, be proud of myself, and know what i want. I need men to hunt me and i need to have an opinion, say "No, i dont want to eat there" and stuff like that. She says i need to go out with dozens of boys, have fun, pick out pros an cons, make a list, and when im ready, use that list to find my man. WHEN im ready. Which wont be for a while. She says to not be scared, embrace the single life, love it, try different things, go different places. Apply for school, join clubs, go to different singles wards. Finish high school, talk to counselors about what college to go to.

You want to know what my face looked like while she was saying this? Yeah. I cant do this!! Im only 18! I just had a baby 6 weeks ago!!!! I want to be social, i want so badly to go do things and be normal like nothing ever happened, and that is what i have been doing, and she says that that isn't good. She is afraid that i am going to go too far and have everything come back hitting me. I agree. I need to slow down. Im so scared, for some reason, of being social and putting myself out there.

I am just so confused right now.

This Sucks

So, I haven't been sick for more than a year. I wasn't ever sick while i was pregnant, i felt invincible!! So of course the cold had to hit me really hard. My nose has been a mess, my throat is sore, my head feels like a bucket of hammers fell on it, and i am just sore and tired. And i have started to cough. GAH!! I was on such a roll! I was going to school, hanging with friends, and now im stuck in bed. Again! I think im done with staying in bed thanks.

The most frustrating part is that i can't see Jack. I dont want to go over there and  make him sick. My little sister had RSV when she was almost 2, and it was a complete nightmare. And she still has bad asthma, so i in NO way want Jack to get sick. Even if that means staying away from him. But i miss him so much. I don't know why it has been so hard lately. Heather has been awesome at sending me pictures, and it helps a lot. I love looking at how chunky he is getting! He is just the most beautiful thing that i have ever seen. He always takes my breath away. I just want to hold him. Have you ever held something on your lap or your chest for a while, and then when you take it off that spot feels weird and warm and you feel lighter now that it has been taken off, and its somewhat tingly? Am i making sense? Anyway, that is how i have been feeling. Like there is something missing on my chest, and i can picture Jack just laying there. I have just been away from him too long :(

But i shouldn't be complaining. I have a very good friend who's son is in California, and the first time that she gets to see him since he was born is in about 4 months. She is so incredible and strong, she is my new best friend. Other than my mom, my mom will ALWAYS be number 1. But she always understands, and i can text her and she can text me saying "I miss him" and we know exactly how the other feels. I love her.

She has introduced me to some people in her singles ward that i am now friends with! I went to an Asian potluck with them, and it was actually really fun. Just chillin with people that were two years older than me. Yeah, they were weirded out when they found out i was only 18. Hey, i like to think im more mature than most 18 year olds... right? Anyway... oh and then we went to get FREE BREAKFAST at dennys. Pretty awesome. Except i was sick so i wasn't very talkative. But it was crazy, it was packed and the line outside was full of starving people in blankets and i swear the waitress was going to pull out a gun and kill everyone, "Out, everybody out." Brian Regan anyone?

FAQs

I haven't written for a while, so i decided to answer questions that i am asked everyday. I like being asked, i love that people care, i just thought i would give an update of my "super fantastic" life. HA! Not.

How are you feeling?

Physically- Im pretty good. Still tired, but its getting better. I can eat normally now, gotta start making sure i dont eat too much. My scab has fallen off so now it is a very tight dark red line. Whoo hoo! My doctor was like "Oh wow, look at what i great job i did! You can still wear a bikini!" Yeah, since thats the first thing im going to do doc! Hes really funny :) I still get winded easily, but i am up and running errands, driving around while listening to awesome music, going to school. I still have heart burn, so i have to take tum-ta-tum-tum-tums!!! You know, the commercial? Anyway...

Emotionally- Im alright. Still trying to find Mariel, but shes coming back. I like to pull out some of my favorite music and sing along. Im on an anti-depressant, which i really didn't want to take, but it does help. The gloom is definitely gone, i see things in a brighter way. Just going out and doing things makes me really happy, i hate being couped up. And being productive, i love checking things off of my list. I miss Jack, but i talk to Heather a lot so its really good. 

How is Jack?

Freaking cute as always, little chubbster! You think they are small forever. He is almost 8 1/2 lbs, hes a good eater. And he is such a bright-eyed boy, i always hear "Beautiful Boy" by the Beatles in my head when i look at him. He is always content, just staring at me and looking around, his hand in a fist by his face or resting on his stomach. And you gotta love that baby smell :)

Is it hard/easier having the adoption be so open?

I think it is perfect. It is exactly what i need for my situation. It helps me move on. I go over there, hold him for a little and chat, and just seeing the atmosphere where he lives, the bottles and diapers and CUTE outfits and the amazing baby showers people threw for Heather, i know he is being well taken care of. More so than well taken care of. It is such a comfort. I can look at them and visually and tangibly say and think "Ok, that is how its supposed to be. That is right." and go on and do things that i need to do. I can comfortably go throughout my day and know that he is being loved and fed and blessed. And when im in the middle of school or running around i will feel a buzz and get a picture message from Heather of Jack with a "Good Morning!" or something and i just melt, it totally makes my day. I look at it, go "awwww my wittle jack!" and keep going. Keep going on, thats my goal :)

How is school?

Long. The packets aren't too hard, but they take a long time and are tedious. And driving all the way down there can be a pain. But i will be graduated by March! Im taking the ACT this saturday (gaaahhhhhhh) and next week my caseworker is helping me apply to BYU. Yes,  i have finally decided to go there. Cant beat half-tuition. But i will finish somewhere else. I want to go into Radiology and Sonogram, so ill do the first two years there and then probably go somewhere else to finish. And i will get to keep playing in my dads symphony, which is what im doing right now. We are playing such fun pieces, and i like my dads conducting. It feels really good to pick up the violin again. More than good. I just gotta get these fingers back to how they used to be!

Have you seen "Jasper" yet? Does he know that Jack is born?

Fortunately, i haven't. I know i will some day. With only a mile between us, its bound to happen. And i will do a disgusted eye-roll and keep going. Whoo! But im glad i haven't, im moving on. He doesn't matter anymore, hes like a squished bug under my shoe. He and his new girlfriend can go start there own life and she will have 3 kids and realize what a jerk he is and be miserable while i will be married to someone AWESOME! I hope... shes trying to take him to church. Really? HA! Good luck with that one. And yes, he does know. I dont think he knows his name or the birthday, but he knows that hes with a family. According to my friend, he seemed happy to finally know and it seems like hes moving on. So maybe thats closure? I think Satan wants me to think that i will never have closure, and i haven't felt it yet, but i will someday. It has gotten better.

So how was your date?!?

Another story for another time. But i will say that it was nice to go out and just date for fun. And he was a very sweet guy, so funny, a gentleman. And he had been through a similar experience (relationship wise) and he knew i was pregnant, and he was so chill with it. It was really nice. And fun. And, i have two other dates set up with different people. Its nice to just go out, meet people, be casual, and to laugh. To sincerely laugh and have a ball! I mean, i have only dated one guy and went on like 3 dates in my life. So im a little inexperienced :S Im so lame.

So, i cant think of other questions people have asked me, but thats the jist of how my life is going right now. Ill talk about the date later, and ill write about the ACT. SOOOOOOO scared for that. Im ok with english, just the math gets me. Math has always flown over my head, i just dont know anything. Wish me luck :(