100 Truths of my 2010 Self

Thought i would post this. I really like things like this for some reason :) 

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: Coke, of course

2. Last phone call: Nick

3. Last text message: Telling Annette i love her

4. Last song you listened to: Sick by Flyleaf

5. Last time you cried: Yesterday

 HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: Yes

7. Been cheated on: Yes. Jerk.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes. Jerk.

9. Lost someone special: Yes.

10. Been depressed: Oh yeah

11. Been drunk and threw up: No, but i did throw up at a concert where everyone else was drunk, so they probably thought i was drunk like them. I got cheered on, so.....

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Burning Bush

13. Hawaii Ocean Turquoise

14. Baby pink

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend: Yes! 

16. Fallen out of love: Nope

17. Laughed until you cried: A few times

18. Met someone who changed you: Definitely

19. Found out who your true friends were: OH MAN yes

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Plenty a time

21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: Yes, but he is my boyfriend, so i think that counts

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All of them. No random friends for me

23. How many kids do you want?: 6 or 7

24. Do you have any pets?: No :(

25. Do you want to change your name: Used to, but i like it now

26. What did you do for your last birthday?: Stuff with the fam bam

27. What time did you wake up?  1130

28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Working

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: For some people to get their christmas presents! And to see Jack again

30. Last time you saw your Mother: 10 hours ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Be happier, or better at making myself happier

32. What are you listening to right now: System of a Down

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Forever ago

34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: Some people at work

35. Most visited webpage: Probably facebook

36.What's your real name: The one i got, DUH

37. Nicknames: Napernakis, mayo, mario, zombie

38. Relationship Status: Happily taken

39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

40. Primary School? Linden Meadows then Foothill

41. Secondary School? Canyon View

42. High School: Orem high then East Shore

43. College: BYU

44. Hair color: Dark Burgendy

45. Tall or short: Tall

46. Height: 5'10"

47. Do you have a crush on someone? Nick :) and Jack :) 

48: What do you like about yourself?  I get along easily with others and become friends quickly

49. Piercings: ears

50. Tattoos:  nope

51. Righy or Lefty: Righty

FIRSTS:

52. First surgery: double knee when i was 13

53. First piercing: Ears

54. First best friend: Jenna Nixon

55. First sport you joined: Dancing when i was 3

56. First vacation: Hawaiii

57. First pair of trainers: 4?

RIGHT NOW:

58. Eating: hershey hugs

59. Drinking: vitamin water

60. I'm about to: go to sleep

61. Listening to: hallelujah

62. Waiting for: CHRISTMAS!

63. I'm feeling: tired and excited

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? yes yes yes!

65. Get married: yes :)

66. Career: LPN or radiology, with maybe a little violin on the side

OPPOSITE SEX:

67. Lips or eyes: definitely eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: hugs :)

69. Shorter or taller: Taller fo sho. Especially with my height. Nick is perfect

70. Older or Younger: I dont mind younger as long as it isn't more than 15 months younger.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Um....  a mix! Spontaneous is nice every once in a while

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms :) no idea why.....

 73.sensitive or loud: both, when appropriate

74. Hook-up or relationship: Um, DUH! Relationship

HAVE YOU:

75. Kissed a stranger: No

76. Drank hard Liquor: nope

77. Lost glasses/contacts: no

78. Kiss on first date: once. never again.

79. Broken someone's heart: yes. not fun at all.

80. Been arrested: no

81. Turned someone down: yep

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes :) best way to go

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Not as much as i should

85. Love at first sight: that seems general. Like, not like a deep love, but i believe in looking at someone and wanting to get to know them better

86. Heaven: Yes

87. Santa Claus: Yes, is there a reason not to believe in him? Is there something i dont know?????

88. Kiss on the first date: Unless heavenly father tells me its ok, no

89. Angels: Yes

90. God: YES 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Never

92. Did you sing today?: yes

93. Did something illegal?: yes

94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: to the 7th grade

95. The moment you would choose to relive?: being in the hospital with jack

96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: its one of the things that i am most afraid of

97. When was the last time you lied? Probably yesterday haha. Not a bad lie :)

98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: Im always like 3 minutes late. Exactly.

99. Would you give your life to save someone else's life: In a heart beat

100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Really? Youre going to end with that question? 

End of 2010 Survey

Its that time of year folks. Same one that i did last year :)
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?:   

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:  Graduate high school, check. Get my CNA, check. Go to BYU, check. Only thing i didn't follow through with was Jacks scrapbook. A LOT more work than i thought.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Some friends, my Aunt.

4. Did anyone close to you die?: Yes. A very close family friend, and residents at my work.

5. What countries did you visit?: No countries. Again. Sigh.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?:  

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:  My graduation day. Every 29th of each month

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:  Graduating from high school

9. What was your biggest failure?:  Failing my first semester of college

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: Not anything exciting

11. What was the best thing you bought?: I bought a lot of stuff this year :) Um...... gosh, i dont know. Food. Cant go wrong with food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: My parents are pretty much amazing. And Nick, who blows my mind every day with his awesomeness

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?: A close family friend, farrah from Teen Mom

14. Where did most of your money go?:  Groceries, school expenses, food, hanging with family or Nick

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Every new thing Jack learns, every time i see Jack, every day i see Nick, getting accepted to BYU, getting a job

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?: California Girls

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: A mix of both, but i would say mostly more sad
ii. thinner or fatter?: Definitely thinner, i dont gots no baby in me
iii. richer or poorer?: Richer actually, now that i have a job

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Journal writing and scrapbookin

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Wasting time on things and spent more time on school and such

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: With my family :) 

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2009?:  Throwing up in front of Nick at a concert, with hundreds of people witnessing it as well, but i guess it was ok because they thought i was drunk, but it got all over Nicks feet. And then throwing up, again.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?: Yes, my dear Nick. And falling in love more and more with Jack

23. How many one-night stands?: Um, no.

24. What was your favorite TV program?: 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, The Office

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:  Definitely not, i have been able to calm that down

26. What was the best book you read?: The Hunger Game series. SO GOOD!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Just new bands that i hadn't listened to before

28. What did you want and get?: A laptop and an iPod 

29. What did you want and not get?: Resolution for some things

30. What was your favorite film of this year?:  Inception, Easy A, Toy Story 3, Vampires Suck, Despicable Me. I liked a lot of movies 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: Turned 19, hung out with my family, then went to Dennys with Nick and friends :)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Being more emotionally stable

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?: Throwing things together that people would look at me and think "Wtf?"

34. What kept you sane?: Mom, Dad, siblings, Nick, Annette, counselor, friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: No one in particular

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Abortion

37. Who did you miss?: Jack and my family 

38. Who was the best new person you met?: Nicks family

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Friends come and go, but family is forever. They know you better than anyone, and they will be there through thick and thin. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
My resolutions this year:
Eat healthier
Work out at least once a week
Do better in school
Finish my scrapbook

Sometimes the Hardest thing and the Right thing are the Same

I know that some birthmoms have a really hard time in the weeks leading up to their babies birthdays. Memories of getting ready, the hospital, placement, the weeks after, but I always thought that that stuff didn't affect me. Because it didn't. I dont make connections like that. Not until this month have i realized that yes, i have made connections.

And can i set something straight? Yes, i made this choice. I got pregnant. I had sex. I chose to stay with that $%^&* jerk, yes, it was my choice. I chose to place Jack for adoption. I know i made the right decision, i know i brought it upon myself. I know i need to suffer the consequences, and that i need to make myself a better person, move on from the experience, blah blah blah.

But i can still hurt.

I can have my heart just drown, and i can just have days that i cry, and i can have days where i miss him more than anything in the world. I know adoption is right, but i can still miss him. Not a day goes by that i dont think about him. Not a single day.

If you haven't been able to tell, i am in a very bad mood. And i have been for the past week or so, and i feel bad because Christmas is coming up, and Jacks birthday, and Nicks birthday was yesterday which i totally bawled at the end of the day because i was hormonal.

And i cant explain exactly why i am hurting, and how i am hurting, but i hurt so bad, and im trying not to complain, but i am just hurting. My body just aches. I have moments where i just lay in bed for hours, and i dont want to move or think.

This sounds depressing.

My dear friend, whose son is 4 days older than Jack, and i are having a party. We are going to hang out with each other and just suffer it together. It sounds weird, but i am so excited, because we will both know exactly how the other is feeling.

I feel bad for my mom and dad, too. I brought them this. They miss him because of me.

But they love him, and i love him, and i would never wish he wasn't here, because he is just incredible, and he amazes me everyday with his curiosity and by how beautiful he is. He is the most amazing and beautiful thing i have ever seen.

Why am i so down? Can't i just be happy?