#1: Well, first off, i've been sick since Sunday. It started out with a sore throat, which got worse to the point where its unbearable and i can't talk. Then my nose added to it, and it was super runny. Seriously, how does ones body make so much mucus? Then it got stuffy, my body ached. Every bone and muscle in my body was screaming. I got a fever, and i seriously thought i was on fire. And for the past few days, its been a mix of those things and then fatigue and dizziness and trouble breathing thrown in there.
So yeah. Not fun.
#2: Because i was sick, i couldn't visit Jack at all this week for his birthday. He is already sick, and has asthma, so he can't be around sick people. I was really excited to see him, but i couldn't, and it was a serious bummer. I miss him so much, and i just want to hold him and scream happy birthday! Hopefully later on this week....
#3: Like i said, Jack has asthma. It is really hard for me, because he definitely gets it from me. There are tons of people in my family that have it, including my little brother and sister. I've watched my little sister go through it for almost her whole life, and it kills me to think that Jack will have to go through the same thing. It makes me feel guilty. And guilty is such an ugly word, but it really does. I know that i can't help it, and its not like i purposely gave it to him. My whole family has immune problems, including me. But i still feel awful. Having to see him go through that just kills me inside, and i wish i could just wave a wand and make it better.
Heather and Kirk are so great about it, they always reassure me that they love him no matter what. And i know they do. Its just unbearable to watch him weeze and get treatments sometimes.
#4: And, the most obvious, it is the one year anniversary of placing him. Im actually not too upset about this. I've been ok. There are moments that are hard. It kinda comes in stings. Like, i will be perfectly fine, and then a few seconds later, im super down and upset. Nick is always wondering if im ok, and im not too sure how to explain it. Because i am fine with it. I love Heather and Kirk, and i don't regret adoption at all. I guess just the memories of the hospital come back and it makes me upset. Just remembering how i felt on the day of placement, which is kinda funny now.
On that day, i just broke down. I thought it was the end. The 9 months previous to that, he had been mine. He had defined me, and i had had him inside me, and felt him inside of me, and i was about to leave the hospital with nothing. After all of that hard work. I cannot explain how i was feeling. All i could do was cry.
But now, after a year of thousands of text messages, pictures, emails, get togethers, lunches, parties, and seeing my little buddy, i have a totally new perspective. At the hospital, i thought it was all over. But, in reality, it was a beginning. A beginning to a new chapter. This past year has been amazing. Jack has grown so much, and he is so curious and outgoing, and he is such a goof ball! But now, every year is going to be a new year for him, which means a new year for me.
Life does go on. At the time, i definitely didn't think so, but it does. I am grateful for all that i have now, and i know that there is more to come.
So, it was a difficult week. Funny how it is the last week of the year, the 52nd week of each year, that is going to be a little hard every year for me. Because, after that, it is the 1st week. The 1st of more weeks to come. A fresh start, things to look forward to, and people to meet. Jack will probably learn to walk this year, and maybe even learn a few words!
Happy Birthday Jack. I love you more than anything.
