Making it Hard to Move On

Well, so much to catch up on. I guess the first thing I should talk about is Jasper (which, to remind people, isn't his real name. I give him privacy, for some reason), since it is what a lot of people are interested in. It has been two years since I last spoke with (to?) you all, so what has happened?

I ran into him at the mall. Out of everything that could have happened, not a email or another facebook friend request, but actually having to see him face to face? It happened back in March. I was engaged to Nick already, and before he had to work we planned on meeting at the mall food court to grab a bite. I arrived earlier than him. I walked into the food court, and I saw a familiar face. I am constantly double-taking at people, thinking that it is him. It is a bad habit that I have had, well, ever since Jack was born. I am always looking around me, everywhere I go, always searching the room. And now, after thinking about it and planning for it, there he was. I quickly looked away and walked into a store. I called Nick and asked if he could hurry. "Why?" he asked. "Um, well,... Jasper is here." "Oh no. I will come a.s.a.p." I peeked out at the food court to see if he was still there, and he was staring right at me with a smirk; a terrifyingly sickening smirk.

There was a door to go outside, so I walked out and stood in a little corner. I was sick. Everything inside me was tingly and my breathing wasn't working and I couldn't see straight. Ridiculous, I know, but looking back, I think I went into shock. I couldn't feel my legs, and I didn't know what to think. What was I going to say? What was going to happen? I kept scanning the parking lot for Nick's truck, waiting for him, just wishing he would come already.

Then I heard his voice. I had almost forgotten what it had sounded like. Not deep, but tenor like. Full of thickness and a surity of himself, a persuasive and manipulative undertone to it. It had gotten slightly raspy, probably from smoking and his use of weed. That voice that had controlled me for years, that could get me to do anything. That voice that beckoned me, betrayed me, and hurt me. That voice that had haunted me ever since, and was back to bring its new haunting. I looked at him and was shocked on a lot of different levels. It was definitely him. His face had gotten old, especially for three years difference. His hair was buzzed, which made him look older, too. His teeth were yellow, but his mouth was still small. That devilish smile was still there. His ears was pierced with gages, which is SO nasty. He looked really thin, like sickly thin.

But what stood out, as it always did, were those eyes. Those predatory eyes that stare into you and take your breath away. But this time, my breath being taken away wasn't for curiosity and wanting, but for fear and the flood of memories. They are menacing, and taunting. They had gotten red, and a little swollen, probably from the drug use. He just looked at me. What had gotten me attention was his voice saying, "Hey Mariel". I was already in a corner, and I felt like I was trapped there by the way he was standing. I hate to admit that I don't remember much of what was said. I should have written it down. He tried to make small talk with me, and I gave short answers, trying not to make his gaze, making my ring obvious, and looking to the parking lot for Nick. That was all I could really think to do in that moment.

Then, it came. "Mariel,...(being said in a whiny "forgive me" voice) I know I was an idiot, and I made a lot of mistakes. I messed up really bad." I couldn't say anything. "No that I have you in front of me, i can finally talk to you. We have a lot to talk about." After those few minutes of numb tounge, I finally got enough courage to sputter out "There is absolutely nothing for us to talk about."
"Yes there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Mariel, we will always be connected. We will always have this connection. Do you know how hard this has been for me?"
I could not believe he said that. At the moment, I was still in shock that I couldn't think much of it, but when I think about looking at him saying that, if I could go back, I would have punched him in the face. Seriously.

"I have moved on, Jasper. It has been two years, it happened and its over. Why can't you move on." 
"Do you know how hard it is for a father not to know his son?"
"But you aren't his father."
"Yes I am."
"No, you helped make him, and that is it. You weren't there, you didn't do anything. He has his own dad now."
He just rolled his eyes at me. He kept on saying more bull crap. Throughout this whole thing, I was still in shock. The more time rolled on, the stronger my tunnel vision got. Breathing was getting harder, my voice was shaking; I was about to loose it. I wouldn't take my eyes off of the parking lot. Where the heck was Nick? I needed him so badly right then. I couldn't get away. Why couldn't i have just walked away? I couldn't bring myself to. My legs were refusing to work.
Wait, he said something. "What?" I said.
"Just tell me his name and his birthday."
"No."
"Mariel, I deserve to know. I am his father. That is all i need to know. Just his name and his birthday."
"You don't deserve to know."
Then, finally Nick's truck. He came running over and just stood looking at us, with wide terrified eyes. I think he didn't know what to do in that situation. I wouldn't have known what to do either, i guess. All i cared about was that he was there. I could finally leave. I couldn't hear anymore. I noticed Jasper had turned to Nick, since i wasn't answering, and started asking him "Do you know his name and birthday? That's all I need." I turned away from him, and I just lost it. I hit my peak. I burst into tears and started blubbering "I can't do this. I can't do this." Nick walked with me, and had his arm around me. He kept asking if I was alright, what he said, if he had hurt me. I was shaking. I asked why he didn't say anything to him, and he told me that he didn't want to argue with a five year old. That is my Nick. He is too humble and kind, which is why I love him.

I haven't seen him since that. I felt mortified. I felt like an idiot. I still do. I am so ashamed of myself that I didn't do anything. For two years, I planned for that. I would do this, say this, kick him here, say this and walk away. I had 50 different scenarios that I would have done. Shown him that I was stronger, better, without him, that he meant nothing and will always mean absolutely nothing. But no. Instead, I broke down. All of my fears had burst out of this part of me, and just exploded, and I was helpless and fearful. I appeared weak, defenseless, which I had made myself to be completely opposite. I had worked so hard to be this better Mariel, this strong woman, with no fears, oozing with confidence and self-sufficiancy. I hated myself in that moment for ruining that all. The one moment I had to prove to him that I was amazing and beautiful and strong.

Oh, he did apply for where I work at now. He used to work there, and, coincidentally, tried to apply. His friend had come in the week before, and another of his friend's father had come in, so they had to have told him. Luckily, I didn't work that day. One of the other cashiers, who I have become friends with, and knows all about him from what I have told her and from working there when he did, took his application, and the shredded it immediately. "I got your back!" I love her.

But how, please tell me, am I supposed to move on when he keeps coming back into my life like this? How am I supposed to make myself a better person, learn from my mistakes, and start this new life of mine with my amazing husband, on this new path, when he will just not leave me alone? I live in fear. I hate saying that. I absolutely hate admitting that I am still scared of him. I hate that I have to look around every corner wherever I go. I can't escape it.

Why can't he move on? Why is it so hard for him to just move on, get a new girlfriend, get a new life, get a hobby, WHATEVER. Why is he so concerned about me? Yes, part of his DNA is in a child somewhere, but he chose, through his decisions, to not be a part of that, so that is his fault. Just leave me alone. I have moved on, you need to, too. I just want to keep living my new life with Nick and my family and Nick's family and just try to be fully happy.

Please, leave me alone. Let me fully move on.

Long Time No See

Sometimes i forget that I even have this blog. As you can see, I haven't written anything for almost two years. I haven't even checked it until a few days ago, which I guess is one of the reasons I am writing. They have a new feature on here where you can check your "stats" to see how many people are reading your blog, and last month over one hundred people read it. Seriously? I was so shocked! Who is reading this? I would love if you told me. Especially those people in the Netherlands (thanks to the "stats". The Netherlands? I reach that far? Cool!)

Well, there has been a lot that has happened in the past two years of my life that this blog has missed. I have a lot to catch up on, which I don't have the time or will power to do right now (I think i am getting sick with something. Dang sicknesses that this winter season brings).

Quickest update i can give: I got married! In august. Yes, there will be a big long post about that. No, it is not to that piece of scum of the earth that i had a child with. I don't know why everyone assumes that. Seriously? Why would I marry him? And yes, it is Nick, who I wrote a few posts about when we started dating. As for Jack? My little buddy? Who is going to be THREE next month! I seriously cannot believe that he is going to be three years old. Did i seriously give birth to him and place him for adoption three years ago? He is so good. I will obviously write a few posts about him too, don't worry :) he is talking, which is AWESOME! How amazing is it to hear them say your name? His favorite thing to say now is "Mariel... is... the... BEEEESSST!" And yes it is said just like that, with which he throws his head back while saying best. Completely and utterly adorable :) I have had about four different jobs, because i have a curse of not being able to keep the same job for more than six months. Someday, i will break that curse. As for now, i am stuck at a car place that is, in a word, ridiculous. Again, a post will be written.

All in all, I just want to start writing again. Seeing those stats of how people are reading this blog gave me... well, hope. Hope that i can help somebody out there, touch their life somehow. Maybe help a scared a desperate teenage girl, who I resembled three years ago. Maybe i can help someone who has been in a abusive relationship. Maybe i can help parents or grandparents who are trying to understand what their girls are going through. Or, maybe i can help a couple trying to adopt, to help them understand what us girls go through, and what to expect.

I am touched by people reading this. It means that my story is important to someone. Please comment, and for those people who have somehow happened upon this blog and read it, please tell me who you are :) I would love to know.