Adoption (Part Deux)

And so we continue where we left off. Mariel, having just had her baby and her stomach split open, is in the hospital, enjoying every second of Jack. And.... scene!

So, the jist of my stay was my mom and i holding jack, feeding jack, and taking pictures of Jack. And sometimes trying to find something to watch on tv. Did i mention how amazing my mom is? I will have to go into detail later about her awesomeness, but long story short, she was by my side every second, and never left the hospital. She would hand me Jack because i couldn't move.

Did i mention that i couldn't move? Yeah. It sucked. I cannot explain..... the various types of pain that comes with that. I mean, first the physical pain. Your stomach feels like it is being stabbed over and over and over again. I couldnt even lift my torso, i couldn't roll, or reach for anything. I was completely helpless. I couldn't even grab Jack if i wanted to, he had to be handed to me, which i was not happy about, but he was on me almost all of the time. Except when i would start falling asleep and my mom would gently take him before i completely nodded off.

I got no sleep. I think over that 4 day period i had about 6 hours of sleep. I couldn't, but i also didn't want to, because i wanted to spend every second with him. I could sleep when i got home. That moment, right there, was never going to happen again, so i wanted to live and breathe every second of it.

Heather and Kirk visited frequently, which i actually loved. I loved seeing them, because other than being the parents of my son, they were my friends too. I loved seeing them hold him and smell him and kiss him. They just fell in love, and it made me me so right, and i knew beyond any doubt that this was the right thing. And just by the way they acted, i knew that it was always going to be like that. I would always be able to be in those moments with them. And i liked the company, too. It kept my thoughts preoccupied.

Then, the day came where i finally had to come off of my cloud. I honestly hate talking about this sometimes. But, i feel like someone out there needs this. Who knows why, but maybe someone can gain something from my heart break.

I had already decided to do placement at the hospital. Taking him home would have made it way too hard for me. I wanted it to be an experience that started and ended at the hospital, having all of my memories kept there. I really felt like i had been there for days. For weeks. My days had gotten backwards, i just lay there all day eating (well, trying to), and holding Jack. One night, my dad asked if i wanted to do placement that night or the next morning. I was blown away. I had forgotten about it. Well, i shoved it to the back of my head. I was like "What placement?". I was trying to justify waiting another day or so, but my dad made a good point, that if i did it that night, i could go home, go to sleep and sleep it off and wake freshed. I decided to just do it that night.

I started panicking. I didn't know what to do, i felt like i was loosing time. What had i been doing the past couple days? I hadn't even written in my journal, i hadn't given my talk to Jack, i felt like i had wasted the four days. I was in freak mode when a nurse came to take him for some more shots or whatever. As she was wheeling him away, he let out a little cry, and i almost jumped out of the bed and ran after him. I know how he likes to be comforted! He likes to be held a certain way! He doesn't recognize you, give him to me, he knows me! I dont want him to forget me.

I started bawling. I felt so empty. I mean, they were bringing him right back, for petes sake, but i was so afraid that he wouldn't for some reason. I kept thinking "No, i haven't said bye yet! Bring him back!"

My dad brought me clothes to change into. I was finally able to walk (barely), and i just sat there. This was it. It had finally come. Everything that i had anticipated for for months had finally arrived, and i wasn't ready. I didn't know how to be ready. Isn't there a book that explains this or something? I felt so confused. I honestly felt like i was going to have a heart attack, i was almost hyperventilating, time was running out. Every time i looked at the clock, 5 minutes had flown by. Why? Why in the world was time going faster when i needed it to go slower. I wanted a few more hours, please. I just sat on my bed. My mom on one side and my dad on the other, we just all cried. We sat for about 3 minutes, just holding hands and crying. I had never, ever, felt such pain in my life. I felt like my heart was being ripped open. I dont even know how to explain it. My stomach hurt, my head was spinning, my heart was black. 

This whole amazing experience, these four days of bliss and love and happiness and success, were coming to an end. I would never have those days again, they were already gone. How did they go so fast?

Ugh, you can tell i was crying there.

Fast forward: so, everything was set. The couple can't be present, so heather and kirk were out in some room watching a mandatory "how to be a parent" video from like the 80's. My case worker was there, my two witnesses (two family friends), my parents, and another awesome case worker. And a nurse. I honestly have no idea why she was there. We all still wonder. She was the older type that was in charge of everything, or so she thought. She was trying to get everyone to do certain things for placement, like she was trying to organize it. My case workers were about to kill her.

I dont want to talk about what happened, but i can tell you that i have never had a more spiritual experience in my whole entire life. I dont think the veil has ever been thinner for me. I didn't cry at all. Maybe because i bawled two hours previous, but i was actually very calm. I never took my eyes off of Jack. He was asleep, and he was just so.... peaceful. How could you not feel peaceful when having this miracle on your lap? I gave him an occasional kiss or two. 

And then, it was finally over. I was like "Wait, what?". It went by really fast. Everyone breathed this sigh of relief, it was soooo quiet and tense during the whole thing, with sniffles everywhere. Even from the nurse. Grrrrr. I will always have a thing for that nurse. Seriously, why are you crying?

Heather and Kirk were then allowed to come in. I swear, the second they came in, the room lit up, and i was so happy. I forgot how much i missed them. They came in and gave me huge hugs, and everything and everyone was just.... happy. No better way to explain it, just totally and completely happy. They gave me a build-a-bear with  a beatles shirt!! It was so cool :)

I could honestly put a million and one pictures up. 

We all talked and had a good time. Jack had to stay over night to make sure his rubella was ok, so i got discharged while Kirk and Heather stayed, and that was actually ok, because i didn't feel like it was a goodbye, i felt like it was a "see you later", which they felt too. And they said they would bring him by on sunday (two days after i got home), which was really sweet of them.

I was alright for a few days. It felt like it had all been a weird dream. It really hit hard later though. But that is too long of a story :)

Nowadays, i see Jack every two weeks or so. It has been a lot harder with my work and school, and Jack is getting bigger and more trouble! Cute trouble though :) and Anna makes it all the more busy and fun. They love it. A year ago, they were just a married couple, and now they are the parents of two kids! So crazy.

Some days, it is hard. Its this weird thing, because i can never say "Oh, i miss Jack", i just feel down, and when i finally realize that, i burst into tears. And it is usually around Nick or my mom. Poor people. I have never been able to cry so easily. Goodness!

I know that was a long explanation of my adoption experience, but i hope it means something. And the thing is that it didn't end, and it never will end. It will always be a part of me. Jack makes me who i am today, my life revolves around him. I love him with everything, and I love seeing that he is happy. 

I am so grateful for open adoption. Not just the fact that i can see Jack, but that Heather, Kirk, and my relationship is so solid and it is so great. My mom and dad, too, have such a great relationship with them. Then whole thing is just amazing.

People ask if it makes it harder if its open. If it reopens the wound. It really doesn't, it is like a breath of fresh air everytime i see him. It reminds me of who i am, and who i want to be for him. It helps me so much, just to see how he is doing, what he likes to do and see what a happy little spirit he is.

I want to mention something. I know i said a lot in here that he was "my son" or whatever, and i dont want anyone thinking that i was thinking he was mine and don't think he is truly heather and kirks or whatever. I completely believe that they are his parents. They are supposed to be an eternal family, and i will always be his "special mariel". 

Sometimes i am so bad at writing so i am sorry if this has been long and tedious!

Adoption (Part one)

I haven't really written about Adoption lately, and since this month is National Adoption Month, i thought i would write a little smidge.

I never, ever thought in my whole entire life that i would ever have to go through something like adoption. Ill admit, i was very judgemental, and whenever i saw a pregnant girl i would do what everyone else usually does and think "Oh my gosh, i feel so bad for her. How could she do that?". I feel sick now that i used to think that way, because i had to go through 9 months, and more, of people giving me those looks. And telling me openly how they felt about it. Which was SO awesome.

Now, i feel like I would be nobody without adoption, but i would DEFINITELY be nobody without Jack. There is no way to describe a mothers love for her child. And i never understood, i was like "Yeah, ok, my mom and dad are my parents, i dont see why they are getting all boogada-boogada about this". But honestly, you can just ask me about Jack, and i will start bawling. I love him with my whole heart. I love him with everything that i have, and everything that i do is for him. He is the light in my life, and my heart just bursts with love.

And this love is a whole new thing. I have never felt anything like this. I thought i loved Jasper, but that was the stupid high school love stupid business, and I do love Nick, but that is a completely different love. What i have for Jack is something completely unique and special. I would do anything for him.

I will admit, throughout my whole pregnancy, i never really connected to Jack. Well, he was called "Little Buddy" because we didn't know the name yet. But some women just automatically bond, and they rub their belly and talk to them and just love it, but to me, it was a stomach. It was just a bump on the front of me that became my main feature. Seriously, i should have set up a booth and had people to pay to come look at the pregnant girl and ask 3 questions. For 5 bucks. I probably could have made some good money.... I mean, that is how i felt with all of the looks i got every single second of every day.

21 Weeks

28 Weeks

35 weeks

It wasn't until i was in the hospital where everything hit me. Quick recap, i went in for a checkup, and they decided right then and there that they were going to deliver. At 37 weeks and one day. He came out and was like "Alright, lets go get your room set up" and i was like "Whoa there buddy, what?" So I didn't have any time to "mentally" prepare, i was stripped down, put in a nightgown, and all of the sudden i was hooked up to like 5 different machines and i was telling my dad on the phone what to bring me from home. Like i had any idea. Poor heather and kirk weren't expecting it either, Heather was like "Are you serious?". I mean, they were excited, we just weren't planning for another week or so.

After turning me into Frankenstien and getting me all hooked up, and the paper work was filled out, and the nurses had finally given me time to breathe, my mom looked me in the eyes and asked if i was ok. I lost it. I wasn't ok. I had no idea what i was doing, i had never been in a hospital, i had never had a freaking baby! What was i supposed to do?? Wasn't i supposed to stretch or something for the week before? I had been eating junk food the whole time, what i gave birth to a medium french fry?

But the biggest thing is that i wasn't ready to give it all away. This bump, this stomach, had been a part of me for 9 months. My life had changed because of this thing, and i hadn't realized how connected i really was until i was hours away from loosing it. This part of my life was going to be gone. This thing that i had sacrificed everything for, my education, my family, my reputation, my health, my faith, everything, was about the be out of my life. It wouldn't be mine anymore. It was going to belong to someone else. I didn't want that. I wanted to keep it, just for a little more. I still wanted to be Mariel.

But i also didn't want to see it. And i keep saying "it" because that is really how i felt. I never bonded, like mentioned earlier, it was just a bump. I wasn't ready to see what it looked like. Was it really going to be a baby? That sounds ridiculous, but seriously, you are in freak mode when you are on a gurney with an I.V., ok? I was kind of afraid that, like, it would be a spitting image of Jasper, that i would give birth to a mini-me of him. I wasn't ready for that.

Skipping forward. Btw, if you want the dirty details, the whole birth story is somewhere way back a good number of posts. Anyway, the most incredible moment of my life was hearing Jack whine. That was all he did. I couldn't see anything because of the curtain (i got a c-section). All i heard was this little whine. He didn't cry at all! Typical Jack. He just kinda cooed. Like "Hey, its cold out here, whaddaya doing?". Then my mom was like "Oh Mariel, here he comes" and all of the sudden there it was. There HE was. It was a human! It was moving! Oh my gosh, that was in me this whole time! Its a baby! It really is, the TLC shows weren't kidding! And he was looking right at me! Does he recognize me? Will he always know me? Can we stay like this? Please, a few more minutes? He is so beautiful. He is so incredible. He is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. And he is mine. He came from me, that is my DNA right there. That is my child.

They had to take him away right away to get him warm and all that stuff, he was very tiny. They took him away, and i was left there all alone. My mom went along, which i am so glad she did. I wanted her to be there with him. So while he was breathing and living and saying hello to the world, i was put back together. For 20 mintues i was sewed back together, stitched up from the inside out, correcting what they just did to bring this amazing human into the world. I had to lay there, trying not to concentrate on what they were doing, and ignore their casual "So what's the score?" conversation. I just layed there, staring at the bag of blood, staring at the white ceiling, just staring and staring.

I was finally wheeled back to my room. The nurse said she would go get my pain medicine, and i was left alone again. But this time, i was really alone. Just an hour before that, i was in that same place with that amazing human in me, and now i am empty. It is gone. I have nothing now. He is somewhere, and i am here. All alone. I dont know if i have ever cried so hard in my life. Was this the end? It was. This was the end, and everyone says that it is the beginning, but to me, it was the end.

About 45 minutes later, someone finally came through the door, and it was Heather. She had tears in her eyes, and she came over and we just held each other crying. I asked if he was a "Jack", and she said he is for sure a Jack. She said that he is incredible, and he wasn't crying at all. He was staring at all of the other babies being like "Why are you crying??". Typical Jack. She said he was amazing, and i took her word for it. I trusted her, and i knew that she would tell me the truth, and tell me everything.

I was finally taken downstairs. I was wheeled into my room, and i heard everyone out in the hallway. They were actually taking pictures and didn't know i was in there. HA! And they were like "Oh she is in there? Lets go in!!" and they all came in and i just saw a huge stocking and i was confused, and then i saw a tiny head poking out of it. He probably filled like a fourth of it. Kirk was just so happy, and so was heather, and they brought him over to me, and he..... was just so cute. He was perfect. It was an angel in baby form! And he smelled amazing, and looked amazing. He was just amazing. And i held him and just fell in love. He looked nothing like me, which is probably a good thing, but i knew he was mine. And i love him more than anything at that moment. It was like in the movies where everything else fades away and he is just there. His little nose and eyes, and little fingers that couldn't even wrap around one of my fingers. His breathing became my favorite sound, and he face was my favorite sight. He became my favorite thing.

And i have written too much, so i will finish the story later :)

Nick Questionaire 2

Name? Nicholas Conrad

Birthplace? Provo
Current location? Orem 

Hometown? Orem

Eye color? Blue (*mariel* THEY ARE GREEN I SWEAR!)

Hair color? Brown

Height? 6’2”

Glasses or Contacts? Neither

Piercings or Tattoos? Nope

Single or Taken? Taken and happy

Siblings names? Why do you wanna know?

Right handed or left handed? . ambidextrious

Pets? Dog and a gross/awesome lizard (gross part is from mariel)

Greatest strength? Being kind to everyone (mariel came up with that cuz I couldn’t think of anything)

Greatest weakness? laziness 

Favorite color? Don’t know

Favorite flower? Snap dragons

5 favorite movies? The Dark Knight, the office (is that a movie? J ), Inception, Scott Pilgram, megamind

Favorite holiday? Christmas

Favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni

Favorite physical feature on yourself? My arms. Mariel likes them too

Favorite hobby? Reading

Favorite band/music group/composer? Avenged Sevenfold

Favorite type of music? Metal/Rock

Favorite place to hang out? At home

Favorite Guilty Pleasure? Monsters (the drink)

Favorite lunch meat? Turkey

Favorite non-sexual thing to do with a girl? Cuddle and watch a movie

Favorite place to eat for a romantic dinner? Los Hermanos because that was the first dinner date with Mariel

Favorite season? Summer
Favorite cartoon character? GIR

Favorite food? Any

Favorite flavor of ice cream? Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Favorite subject in school? English

Favorite candy? Swedish Fish

Favorite breakfast cereal? Corn Chex

Favorite person in your life at the moment? Mariel 

Favorite book of all time? Enders Game

Favorite place to be? With Mariel (does that count?)

Favorite TV show (still running or ended)? The office and walking dead

Favorite number? Do people have those?

Favorite fast food restaurant? Carls Jr

What would you consider you favorite TV station? Discovery Channel

Favorite sons name? Stephen

Favorite daughters name? Havent thought about that one

What is your favorite part of your life right now? Mariel

Which do you perfer...

Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate

Alcoholic or non? non

Long relationships or One Night Stands? long

Scary movies or Comedies? depends

Short or long hair? short

Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon bits

Beach or lake? lake 

Cowboys or Indians? cowboys

Cops or Robbers? cops

Single or Group dates? depends 

McDonald's or Burger King? Burger kind

Pepsi or Coke? They’re the same aren’t they (mariel gasps in shocl)

Starbucks or elsewhere? Never been there

Dogs or cats? dogs

Jay Leno or David Letterman? I don’t know 

Do you...

Smoke? no

Sing? Only when I’m by myself

Want to get married? yes

Believe in yourself? yes

Get along with your parents? yes

Go to church? yes

Want Children? yes

Like to Travel by Plane? Haven’t ever been on a plane

Drink? no

Still watch Saturday Morning cartoons? no

Have a Teddy Bear? no

Like Thunderstorms? yes

Think Jesus is Great? yes

Consider yourself more of a party person or apt to stay at home? Stay at home

Have you ever...

Fired a gun? yes

Ever loved someone? yes

Ever caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Probably yeah

Ever cried for no reason? No.

Ever cut your own hair? Not that I know of

Ever skipped school? No (mariel is in utter shock)

Ever bungee jumped? No.

Ever punched someone? Not seriously but I guess so

Ever been arrested? No

Ever broken into someone's house?  My own

What bill do you hate paying most? Insurance

What did you want to be growing up? Design video games, then I thought about it….

How many colleges did you attend? None so far

What chore/errand to you despise? Dishes

What do you get every time you go to a Wal*Mart? Food

What are you views on marriage? That its good

What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? Robert Pattinson

Worst relationship mistake do you wish you could take back? dating one of my ex girlfriends

If you could get away with it, who would you kill? Chano.

What do you want to achieve in life? Being successful, I guess

How many jobs have you had? 3

At this point in life, Would you rather start a new career or new relationship? New career

What's the first thoughts upon waking up? How much I hate my alarm

What goal would you like to achieve this year? Go on a mission

Who would you like to see right now? Mariel, but im sitting right next to her, which is awesome!

Are you still friend's with your ex's? Negatory

What books are you reading (if any)? Just finished the Halo book

What song best describes your love life? Three Days Grace- Lost In You

What's the coolest place you have ever been to on a vacation? Minnesota

What do you look for in the opposite sex? Having the same interests and same humor, and being able to have fun with them.

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Their face.

Do you have a best friend? Yeah, jeremie

Many close friends? Yes

Would you consider yourself popular? Nick says no, Mariel says yes

Have a friend ever betray you? No

Have you ever betrayed a friend? No

What kinds of things do you and your friends do together for fun? Play Guitar Hero, watch movies, mess up grocery stores, find anything and make it fun

Nick Questionaire

So my awesome friend Stefanie had this questionaire for her boyfriend (now husband), and i had Nick answer it. Poor guy :) but he was more than willing.

1.       How did you meet? 

 Was it love at first sight? ;) 

We first met in our English class back in our Junior year of high school. Yes it was love at first sight for me.

How did she tell you about her adoption? I actually hadn’t heard about it from Mariel. I hadn’t heard from Mariel for a long time and I had been wondering what was going on with her and I always just heard she was sick.  I heard about if from a friend who told me that she had seen Mariel at the movie theater. When I heard that she was pregnant I was afraid that I had lost my chance with her and that she would stay with the guy she was with.  (I didn’t know anything about him at the time.) I finally saw her again during my senior year of high school during Seminary and then later after asking her out on a few dates she told me about her choice for adoption.

How did you react?  I was worried that not only that I had lost her but I was worried that she might not be happy with this guy, so when I heard that she had broke up with him and decided to go for adoption I was happy for her. I’ve heard a lot of stories like this and it never seemed to end well.

Did your feelings change for her when she told you or did you judge her? No even when I found out that Mariel was pregnant I wanted to talk to her and be there for her. So I think she made the right decision.


What do you talk about when you talk about the child she placed? How often? 

How do you help her heal?  I haven’t asked about Jack for awhile, but I love to hear stories about him and see the pictures that she takes of him. There was one time where I got to help her babysit Jack and Anna and I had a lot of fun and feel lucky to meet Jack and Anna, and their parents Heather and Kirk. I’ve never been the best with words but I do my best to listen and give advice or say what I think would help her when I can.

How do you know she's having a "high time?" I can tell because she is more open with me and obviously in a better mood.

 How do you support her in her "low times?" When I can tell that she is having a hard time with something I ask her about what she is thinking about and I listen to what she has to say

 How do you know she's having a "low time?" I can tell that she is having a bad day because she doesn’t talk to me as much as she usually does.

 How have you supported the adopted child I love hearing stories about Jack and hearing about the time she spends with him, I love seeing the pictures that she takes of Jack and her, and I love how happy she is when she talks about Jack.

Is it hard to talk to her about it to know she's had a baby with another guy and not you? No


If there is a girl, who doesn't know when to tell a guy that she's a birth mom, when would be a good time to tell her significant other? Examples: The first date? As soon as possible? After getting engaged? After getting married?
If she waited to tell you after got married, would that bother you? If she waited to tell you after you're engaged, would you break off the engagement because she didn't say the full truth?  

Definitely not the first date, I know that I had to make a decision similar to this and I think it just  depends on when you think the right time is. I think though that it’s best to tell a person before they get married though in case that kinda thing did bother someone. But if someone is bothered by that kinda thing and isn’t able to get past it then I don’t think that person is worth there time.

Does your family know about her being a birth mom? Do you think you will ever tell them or do you plan to Yes my family knows about Jack

How did they react? Or how do you think they'll react? I think if they did find it weird they didn’t show it. 

                                                                                      

How would your relationship be different if she hadn't placed? 
Do you think you would've met or even dated her if she single parented? I remember that when I heard about Mariel being pregnant like I said I wanted to talk to her and even ask her out on a date but I wasn’t sure if she would want to, so I never did. So I think that our relationship would be different but I would still love her as much as I do now.

Have you met her baby? Yes I have and I loved spending time with him and Mariel.

Do you love her baby like he/she is your own? Or could someday love her baby, if she has an open adoption, and will continue to have an open relationship with her baby?

I don’t think I could say that because I don’t have the same connection with Jack that Mariel does. But I think after awhile I could maybe have a stronger relationship with Jack.

Are you worried that she won't love your children as much as her birth child? No I’ve never been worried about that.

Gotta love him :)

Questions Asked

So, i totally forgot that i had a formspring me account! People can anonymously ask me questions. I have a few, so i decided to answer them on here.


did you ever regret the adoption?


Never once have i regretted the adoption. I have DEFINITELY regretted those 5 years wasted on a stupid person, and i regret a lot of the choices i made, but placing my son with his parents was the best thing i have ever done. And my relationship with them is so great that i could never regret it. And seeing how they interact with Jack, and seeing how happy he is makes it worth it and more.


Was the baby girl adopted that made Jack a big brother? What is the story there?


I think i made a post about this... not sure. Anyway, long story short, which is actually a very cool story, it was Kirk and Heathers second try at Invitro, and they tried it right before they started talking to me. Quoting Heather, "We honestly had no hopes at all, we had gotten our hopes up before. I cant even tell you how low our expectation of it working was". They got distracted talking to me, and, ironically, the same week i told them that i was choosing them as a couple, they went to the doctor after a positive pregnancy test for an ultrasound, and there was little Anna! They had no idea how to tell me, and they were afraid that i might be turned off by it, but it didn't change anything. I was more excited if anything! Jack was going to have a sibling, and im glad that Heather and Kirk are able to have two beautiful little kids.


Are you going to do anything for Mothers Day?


I guess this question is from a while back :) Um, i didnt realize that the day before mothers day is birthmothers day, and it didn't really affect me quite honestly. Mothers day was a little hard. In sacrament, they hand out candy bars to the mothers, and some woman who im friends with gave one to my mom for me and said i deserved it, so i thought that was pretty cool. And that night, i found a note with Sees Peanut Brittle from my parents, and it just said happy mothers day, but i burst out in tears. It was the coolest thing. I think i saw Jack in that couple of days too..... i had such a bad memory.


Did your Ex graduate from High School?


He barely went to school sophmore and junior year (like, 1-2 times a week, and just hung out in the auditorium all day), and beginning of senior year (when i was pregnant), i know he wasn't going, and he got a letter saying that he needed to either go or take the GED before a certain date (he had been getting those letters for a while), and, of course, i tried to get him to take the GED, but XBOX or something was more important. And then i broke up with him, and he moved somewhere, so im pretty sure he didn't.


What will you do if he writes you back?


Im guessing this is referring to the email he sent. Well, i dont know what this is referring to actually..... ok, he did send me an email in.... July? Saying how he misses me, still loves me, if i would ever get back together with him, blah blah. I got VERY upset with him, saying how he dare ask me that, and how he has the nerve to even write me and not even care about this child we created. He said how he couldn't believe i said that, he thinks about him everyday, he is insulted because he doesn't even know his name or birthday, blah blah. It was a mess. So i switched me email. Yup. It took like 3 days to move everything from my 5 year old email to a new one. But it was refreshing. I haven't heard anything since. All i know is that he is in Nevada. 


How far are you willing to let go of your anger for Jasper?


I have gotten a lot better. I used to be really bad, i was in a dark period after placement and birth, i have never had so much anger towards anyone. But it has slowly diminished. Im making myself busy with other things, and Nick makes me feel a lot better. With someone like Nick, there is no point to keep thinking about Jasper.


Well, there they are! There is a little box to the left where you can ask me anything, and i promise i will answer it and check it :)

Immmmm Baaaaaaaccckkk

Yes, world, i am back. I thought for a while that no one reads this anyway, and there is way too much to write, so why bother? But i decided to write anyways..... after what, 5 months?

So here we go....

Again,there is a lot to cover, so i think i will briefly hit each topic and then i will expand on them in different posts.

Alright....

JACK!
Im sure you all want to know how the little butter ball is doing! He is amazing :) I. Cannot. Believe. That is is almost 11 months old. He is a completely different person that he used to be, they grow every day. I am just floored every day. Here, pictures are worth a thousand words.

He got his bottom teeth so he was sticking out his tongue and feeling them

He always flaps his hands and Heather says "Youre flying buddy!"

Sucking on his foot, just like when he was born

He is a cuddly boy! He always gives me mom the biggest kisses, and he just loves everyone

He has started to full out smile, and he smiles and people and laughs!!

I love this one :)

So handsome :)

And here is Anna! She is getting big too, she is such a girl, very feminine with her little girl voice!

Her and Jack are very aware of each other, and Jack of course likes to bother her :) Jack is very cuddly, and loves everyone and will kiss you and such, but Anna is opposite! She likes her space, she doesn't like having you up in her face. So she of course starts whining when Jack army crawls up to her and tries to touch her. Jack is the love of my life. He is an example to me. He is so happy all of the time, and he is so beautiful and just has this glow about him. I dont know what i would do without him. I love him with every fiber of my being. I have never loved so strongly before, it is impossible to explain. You can just say his name and i can start crying or laughing or smiling. I could talk for days, but another post for another day!

SCHOOL!

School is tough! Probably because it is BYU. It is definitely kicking my butt, but i love it. I love the atmosphere of BYU and the people. I love Symphony the most, i love the music we are playing. We are playing the Sorcerer's Apprentice, you know, the Mickey Mouse and Broom thing from Fantasia? 

Which it was actually originally written for a story, but of course, this is how everyone recognizes it. We are also playing the Nutcracker Suite and other awesome pieces! I absolutely love it.

LIVING IN AN APARTMENT!

I dont know if i mentioned moving out... i moved out in August, i live near BYU, and i love it! I love the independent feeling, and my roommates are so funny! My roommates Sam, Lauren, and I made music videos the other day. Then Sam and I went out in the courtyard blasting music and dancing. One of the best nights ever!

We had too much fun with chocolate cake that night.

But is hard sometimes, because i really miss my family. I go home usually once a week, but sometimes its longer than that. I miss being able to just walk in my moms room and talk to her. We talk on the phone a lot, so that is good. And i am only, like, 15 minutes away, so its no biggie. I see my dad in Symphony because he is the conductor, and he gives me rides to work. Poor guy :( haha. 

WORK!

I dont know if i said this, either.... it has been so long! Anyway, i finished my CNA course, and i work at a VERY nice assisted living place and i love it! It is graveyard, which kinda stinks sometimes. It is 10pm to 6 am, about 3-4 nights a week. I actually love it! It is quiet during the night and i can do my own thing. I love the residents and the atmosphere. I better have a good looking butt from all of the walking, though.

NICK!

 I know you are all dying to know about Nick. He is basically amazing. And a lot of us is going to have to be a different post, which will be the next one! Promise!

But yes, i love spending time with him. We have friendship along side it, so that makes it awesome. Whenever we hang out, we are always with his cousins and siblings, or my family, which i love that we can spend time with each others families. His cousins and siblings are some of my best friends now. And my siblings just LOVE Nick, they always want him to come over. Cute little Claire is like "Are you and Nick going to come over on Saturday?" I miss claire :(

His sister was like "Edward Bella pose!"

This is up at his grandparents reception home. His dads side had a big party, and they were taking family pictures, and his mom was like "Ok, Nick and Mariel get up there!"

We went to a concert a few months back with his cousin and brother, it was awesome!

I love how we get along so well, and we are good friends. He understands my humor, and he still always opens the door, even when it is freezing and he is shivering :) i love being with him.

Thats all folks! More to come.