100 Truths of my 2010 Self

Thought i would post this. I really like things like this for some reason :) 

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: Coke, of course

2. Last phone call: Nick

3. Last text message: Telling Annette i love her

4. Last song you listened to: Sick by Flyleaf

5. Last time you cried: Yesterday

 HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: Yes

7. Been cheated on: Yes. Jerk.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes. Jerk.

9. Lost someone special: Yes.

10. Been depressed: Oh yeah

11. Been drunk and threw up: No, but i did throw up at a concert where everyone else was drunk, so they probably thought i was drunk like them. I got cheered on, so.....

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Burning Bush

13. Hawaii Ocean Turquoise

14. Baby pink

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend: Yes! 

16. Fallen out of love: Nope

17. Laughed until you cried: A few times

18. Met someone who changed you: Definitely

19. Found out who your true friends were: OH MAN yes

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Plenty a time

21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: Yes, but he is my boyfriend, so i think that counts

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All of them. No random friends for me

23. How many kids do you want?: 6 or 7

24. Do you have any pets?: No :(

25. Do you want to change your name: Used to, but i like it now

26. What did you do for your last birthday?: Stuff with the fam bam

27. What time did you wake up?  1130

28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Working

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: For some people to get their christmas presents! And to see Jack again

30. Last time you saw your Mother: 10 hours ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Be happier, or better at making myself happier

32. What are you listening to right now: System of a Down

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Forever ago

34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: Some people at work

35. Most visited webpage: Probably facebook

36.What's your real name: The one i got, DUH

37. Nicknames: Napernakis, mayo, mario, zombie

38. Relationship Status: Happily taken

39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

40. Primary School? Linden Meadows then Foothill

41. Secondary School? Canyon View

42. High School: Orem high then East Shore

43. College: BYU

44. Hair color: Dark Burgendy

45. Tall or short: Tall

46. Height: 5'10"

47. Do you have a crush on someone? Nick :) and Jack :) 

48: What do you like about yourself?  I get along easily with others and become friends quickly

49. Piercings: ears

50. Tattoos:  nope

51. Righy or Lefty: Righty

FIRSTS:

52. First surgery: double knee when i was 13

53. First piercing: Ears

54. First best friend: Jenna Nixon

55. First sport you joined: Dancing when i was 3

56. First vacation: Hawaiii

57. First pair of trainers: 4?

RIGHT NOW:

58. Eating: hershey hugs

59. Drinking: vitamin water

60. I'm about to: go to sleep

61. Listening to: hallelujah

62. Waiting for: CHRISTMAS!

63. I'm feeling: tired and excited

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? yes yes yes!

65. Get married: yes :)

66. Career: LPN or radiology, with maybe a little violin on the side

OPPOSITE SEX:

67. Lips or eyes: definitely eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: hugs :)

69. Shorter or taller: Taller fo sho. Especially with my height. Nick is perfect

70. Older or Younger: I dont mind younger as long as it isn't more than 15 months younger.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Um....  a mix! Spontaneous is nice every once in a while

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms :) no idea why.....

 73.sensitive or loud: both, when appropriate

74. Hook-up or relationship: Um, DUH! Relationship

HAVE YOU:

75. Kissed a stranger: No

76. Drank hard Liquor: nope

77. Lost glasses/contacts: no

78. Kiss on first date: once. never again.

79. Broken someone's heart: yes. not fun at all.

80. Been arrested: no

81. Turned someone down: yep

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes :) best way to go

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Not as much as i should

85. Love at first sight: that seems general. Like, not like a deep love, but i believe in looking at someone and wanting to get to know them better

86. Heaven: Yes

87. Santa Claus: Yes, is there a reason not to believe in him? Is there something i dont know?????

88. Kiss on the first date: Unless heavenly father tells me its ok, no

89. Angels: Yes

90. God: YES 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Never

92. Did you sing today?: yes

93. Did something illegal?: yes

94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: to the 7th grade

95. The moment you would choose to relive?: being in the hospital with jack

96. Are you afraid of falling in love?: its one of the things that i am most afraid of

97. When was the last time you lied? Probably yesterday haha. Not a bad lie :)

98. Are you usually late, early or right on time?: Im always like 3 minutes late. Exactly.

99. Would you give your life to save someone else's life: In a heart beat

100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Really? Youre going to end with that question? 

End of 2010 Survey

Its that time of year folks. Same one that i did last year :)
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?:   

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:  Graduate high school, check. Get my CNA, check. Go to BYU, check. Only thing i didn't follow through with was Jacks scrapbook. A LOT more work than i thought.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: Some friends, my Aunt.

4. Did anyone close to you die?: Yes. A very close family friend, and residents at my work.

5. What countries did you visit?: No countries. Again. Sigh.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?:  

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:  My graduation day. Every 29th of each month

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:  Graduating from high school

9. What was your biggest failure?:  Failing my first semester of college

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: Not anything exciting

11. What was the best thing you bought?: I bought a lot of stuff this year :) Um...... gosh, i dont know. Food. Cant go wrong with food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: My parents are pretty much amazing. And Nick, who blows my mind every day with his awesomeness

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?: A close family friend, farrah from Teen Mom

14. Where did most of your money go?:  Groceries, school expenses, food, hanging with family or Nick

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Every new thing Jack learns, every time i see Jack, every day i see Nick, getting accepted to BYU, getting a job

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?: California Girls

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: A mix of both, but i would say mostly more sad
ii. thinner or fatter?: Definitely thinner, i dont gots no baby in me
iii. richer or poorer?: Richer actually, now that i have a job

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Journal writing and scrapbookin

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Wasting time on things and spent more time on school and such

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: With my family :) 

21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2009?:  Throwing up in front of Nick at a concert, with hundreds of people witnessing it as well, but i guess it was ok because they thought i was drunk, but it got all over Nicks feet. And then throwing up, again.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?: Yes, my dear Nick. And falling in love more and more with Jack

23. How many one-night stands?: Um, no.

24. What was your favorite TV program?: 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, The Office

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:  Definitely not, i have been able to calm that down

26. What was the best book you read?: The Hunger Game series. SO GOOD!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Just new bands that i hadn't listened to before

28. What did you want and get?: A laptop and an iPod 

29. What did you want and not get?: Resolution for some things

30. What was your favorite film of this year?:  Inception, Easy A, Toy Story 3, Vampires Suck, Despicable Me. I liked a lot of movies 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: Turned 19, hung out with my family, then went to Dennys with Nick and friends :)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Being more emotionally stable

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?: Throwing things together that people would look at me and think "Wtf?"

34. What kept you sane?: Mom, Dad, siblings, Nick, Annette, counselor, friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: No one in particular

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Abortion

37. Who did you miss?: Jack and my family 

38. Who was the best new person you met?: Nicks family

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010: Friends come and go, but family is forever. They know you better than anyone, and they will be there through thick and thin. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
My resolutions this year:
Eat healthier
Work out at least once a week
Do better in school
Finish my scrapbook

Sometimes the Hardest thing and the Right thing are the Same

I know that some birthmoms have a really hard time in the weeks leading up to their babies birthdays. Memories of getting ready, the hospital, placement, the weeks after, but I always thought that that stuff didn't affect me. Because it didn't. I dont make connections like that. Not until this month have i realized that yes, i have made connections.

And can i set something straight? Yes, i made this choice. I got pregnant. I had sex. I chose to stay with that $%^&* jerk, yes, it was my choice. I chose to place Jack for adoption. I know i made the right decision, i know i brought it upon myself. I know i need to suffer the consequences, and that i need to make myself a better person, move on from the experience, blah blah blah.

But i can still hurt.

I can have my heart just drown, and i can just have days that i cry, and i can have days where i miss him more than anything in the world. I know adoption is right, but i can still miss him. Not a day goes by that i dont think about him. Not a single day.

If you haven't been able to tell, i am in a very bad mood. And i have been for the past week or so, and i feel bad because Christmas is coming up, and Jacks birthday, and Nicks birthday was yesterday which i totally bawled at the end of the day because i was hormonal.

And i cant explain exactly why i am hurting, and how i am hurting, but i hurt so bad, and im trying not to complain, but i am just hurting. My body just aches. I have moments where i just lay in bed for hours, and i dont want to move or think.

This sounds depressing.

My dear friend, whose son is 4 days older than Jack, and i are having a party. We are going to hang out with each other and just suffer it together. It sounds weird, but i am so excited, because we will both know exactly how the other is feeling.

I feel bad for my mom and dad, too. I brought them this. They miss him because of me.

But they love him, and i love him, and i would never wish he wasn't here, because he is just incredible, and he amazes me everyday with his curiosity and by how beautiful he is. He is the most amazing and beautiful thing i have ever seen.

Why am i so down? Can't i just be happy?

Adoption (Part Deux)

And so we continue where we left off. Mariel, having just had her baby and her stomach split open, is in the hospital, enjoying every second of Jack. And.... scene!

So, the jist of my stay was my mom and i holding jack, feeding jack, and taking pictures of Jack. And sometimes trying to find something to watch on tv. Did i mention how amazing my mom is? I will have to go into detail later about her awesomeness, but long story short, she was by my side every second, and never left the hospital. She would hand me Jack because i couldn't move.

Did i mention that i couldn't move? Yeah. It sucked. I cannot explain..... the various types of pain that comes with that. I mean, first the physical pain. Your stomach feels like it is being stabbed over and over and over again. I couldnt even lift my torso, i couldn't roll, or reach for anything. I was completely helpless. I couldn't even grab Jack if i wanted to, he had to be handed to me, which i was not happy about, but he was on me almost all of the time. Except when i would start falling asleep and my mom would gently take him before i completely nodded off.

I got no sleep. I think over that 4 day period i had about 6 hours of sleep. I couldn't, but i also didn't want to, because i wanted to spend every second with him. I could sleep when i got home. That moment, right there, was never going to happen again, so i wanted to live and breathe every second of it.

Heather and Kirk visited frequently, which i actually loved. I loved seeing them, because other than being the parents of my son, they were my friends too. I loved seeing them hold him and smell him and kiss him. They just fell in love, and it made me me so right, and i knew beyond any doubt that this was the right thing. And just by the way they acted, i knew that it was always going to be like that. I would always be able to be in those moments with them. And i liked the company, too. It kept my thoughts preoccupied.

Then, the day came where i finally had to come off of my cloud. I honestly hate talking about this sometimes. But, i feel like someone out there needs this. Who knows why, but maybe someone can gain something from my heart break.

I had already decided to do placement at the hospital. Taking him home would have made it way too hard for me. I wanted it to be an experience that started and ended at the hospital, having all of my memories kept there. I really felt like i had been there for days. For weeks. My days had gotten backwards, i just lay there all day eating (well, trying to), and holding Jack. One night, my dad asked if i wanted to do placement that night or the next morning. I was blown away. I had forgotten about it. Well, i shoved it to the back of my head. I was like "What placement?". I was trying to justify waiting another day or so, but my dad made a good point, that if i did it that night, i could go home, go to sleep and sleep it off and wake freshed. I decided to just do it that night.

I started panicking. I didn't know what to do, i felt like i was loosing time. What had i been doing the past couple days? I hadn't even written in my journal, i hadn't given my talk to Jack, i felt like i had wasted the four days. I was in freak mode when a nurse came to take him for some more shots or whatever. As she was wheeling him away, he let out a little cry, and i almost jumped out of the bed and ran after him. I know how he likes to be comforted! He likes to be held a certain way! He doesn't recognize you, give him to me, he knows me! I dont want him to forget me.

I started bawling. I felt so empty. I mean, they were bringing him right back, for petes sake, but i was so afraid that he wouldn't for some reason. I kept thinking "No, i haven't said bye yet! Bring him back!"

My dad brought me clothes to change into. I was finally able to walk (barely), and i just sat there. This was it. It had finally come. Everything that i had anticipated for for months had finally arrived, and i wasn't ready. I didn't know how to be ready. Isn't there a book that explains this or something? I felt so confused. I honestly felt like i was going to have a heart attack, i was almost hyperventilating, time was running out. Every time i looked at the clock, 5 minutes had flown by. Why? Why in the world was time going faster when i needed it to go slower. I wanted a few more hours, please. I just sat on my bed. My mom on one side and my dad on the other, we just all cried. We sat for about 3 minutes, just holding hands and crying. I had never, ever, felt such pain in my life. I felt like my heart was being ripped open. I dont even know how to explain it. My stomach hurt, my head was spinning, my heart was black. 

This whole amazing experience, these four days of bliss and love and happiness and success, were coming to an end. I would never have those days again, they were already gone. How did they go so fast?

Ugh, you can tell i was crying there.

Fast forward: so, everything was set. The couple can't be present, so heather and kirk were out in some room watching a mandatory "how to be a parent" video from like the 80's. My case worker was there, my two witnesses (two family friends), my parents, and another awesome case worker. And a nurse. I honestly have no idea why she was there. We all still wonder. She was the older type that was in charge of everything, or so she thought. She was trying to get everyone to do certain things for placement, like she was trying to organize it. My case workers were about to kill her.

I dont want to talk about what happened, but i can tell you that i have never had a more spiritual experience in my whole entire life. I dont think the veil has ever been thinner for me. I didn't cry at all. Maybe because i bawled two hours previous, but i was actually very calm. I never took my eyes off of Jack. He was asleep, and he was just so.... peaceful. How could you not feel peaceful when having this miracle on your lap? I gave him an occasional kiss or two. 

And then, it was finally over. I was like "Wait, what?". It went by really fast. Everyone breathed this sigh of relief, it was soooo quiet and tense during the whole thing, with sniffles everywhere. Even from the nurse. Grrrrr. I will always have a thing for that nurse. Seriously, why are you crying?

Heather and Kirk were then allowed to come in. I swear, the second they came in, the room lit up, and i was so happy. I forgot how much i missed them. They came in and gave me huge hugs, and everything and everyone was just.... happy. No better way to explain it, just totally and completely happy. They gave me a build-a-bear with  a beatles shirt!! It was so cool :)

I could honestly put a million and one pictures up. 

We all talked and had a good time. Jack had to stay over night to make sure his rubella was ok, so i got discharged while Kirk and Heather stayed, and that was actually ok, because i didn't feel like it was a goodbye, i felt like it was a "see you later", which they felt too. And they said they would bring him by on sunday (two days after i got home), which was really sweet of them.

I was alright for a few days. It felt like it had all been a weird dream. It really hit hard later though. But that is too long of a story :)

Nowadays, i see Jack every two weeks or so. It has been a lot harder with my work and school, and Jack is getting bigger and more trouble! Cute trouble though :) and Anna makes it all the more busy and fun. They love it. A year ago, they were just a married couple, and now they are the parents of two kids! So crazy.

Some days, it is hard. Its this weird thing, because i can never say "Oh, i miss Jack", i just feel down, and when i finally realize that, i burst into tears. And it is usually around Nick or my mom. Poor people. I have never been able to cry so easily. Goodness!

I know that was a long explanation of my adoption experience, but i hope it means something. And the thing is that it didn't end, and it never will end. It will always be a part of me. Jack makes me who i am today, my life revolves around him. I love him with everything, and I love seeing that he is happy. 

I am so grateful for open adoption. Not just the fact that i can see Jack, but that Heather, Kirk, and my relationship is so solid and it is so great. My mom and dad, too, have such a great relationship with them. Then whole thing is just amazing.

People ask if it makes it harder if its open. If it reopens the wound. It really doesn't, it is like a breath of fresh air everytime i see him. It reminds me of who i am, and who i want to be for him. It helps me so much, just to see how he is doing, what he likes to do and see what a happy little spirit he is.

I want to mention something. I know i said a lot in here that he was "my son" or whatever, and i dont want anyone thinking that i was thinking he was mine and don't think he is truly heather and kirks or whatever. I completely believe that they are his parents. They are supposed to be an eternal family, and i will always be his "special mariel". 

Sometimes i am so bad at writing so i am sorry if this has been long and tedious!

Adoption (Part one)

I haven't really written about Adoption lately, and since this month is National Adoption Month, i thought i would write a little smidge.

I never, ever thought in my whole entire life that i would ever have to go through something like adoption. Ill admit, i was very judgemental, and whenever i saw a pregnant girl i would do what everyone else usually does and think "Oh my gosh, i feel so bad for her. How could she do that?". I feel sick now that i used to think that way, because i had to go through 9 months, and more, of people giving me those looks. And telling me openly how they felt about it. Which was SO awesome.

Now, i feel like I would be nobody without adoption, but i would DEFINITELY be nobody without Jack. There is no way to describe a mothers love for her child. And i never understood, i was like "Yeah, ok, my mom and dad are my parents, i dont see why they are getting all boogada-boogada about this". But honestly, you can just ask me about Jack, and i will start bawling. I love him with my whole heart. I love him with everything that i have, and everything that i do is for him. He is the light in my life, and my heart just bursts with love.

And this love is a whole new thing. I have never felt anything like this. I thought i loved Jasper, but that was the stupid high school love stupid business, and I do love Nick, but that is a completely different love. What i have for Jack is something completely unique and special. I would do anything for him.

I will admit, throughout my whole pregnancy, i never really connected to Jack. Well, he was called "Little Buddy" because we didn't know the name yet. But some women just automatically bond, and they rub their belly and talk to them and just love it, but to me, it was a stomach. It was just a bump on the front of me that became my main feature. Seriously, i should have set up a booth and had people to pay to come look at the pregnant girl and ask 3 questions. For 5 bucks. I probably could have made some good money.... I mean, that is how i felt with all of the looks i got every single second of every day.

21 Weeks

28 Weeks

35 weeks

It wasn't until i was in the hospital where everything hit me. Quick recap, i went in for a checkup, and they decided right then and there that they were going to deliver. At 37 weeks and one day. He came out and was like "Alright, lets go get your room set up" and i was like "Whoa there buddy, what?" So I didn't have any time to "mentally" prepare, i was stripped down, put in a nightgown, and all of the sudden i was hooked up to like 5 different machines and i was telling my dad on the phone what to bring me from home. Like i had any idea. Poor heather and kirk weren't expecting it either, Heather was like "Are you serious?". I mean, they were excited, we just weren't planning for another week or so.

After turning me into Frankenstien and getting me all hooked up, and the paper work was filled out, and the nurses had finally given me time to breathe, my mom looked me in the eyes and asked if i was ok. I lost it. I wasn't ok. I had no idea what i was doing, i had never been in a hospital, i had never had a freaking baby! What was i supposed to do?? Wasn't i supposed to stretch or something for the week before? I had been eating junk food the whole time, what i gave birth to a medium french fry?

But the biggest thing is that i wasn't ready to give it all away. This bump, this stomach, had been a part of me for 9 months. My life had changed because of this thing, and i hadn't realized how connected i really was until i was hours away from loosing it. This part of my life was going to be gone. This thing that i had sacrificed everything for, my education, my family, my reputation, my health, my faith, everything, was about the be out of my life. It wouldn't be mine anymore. It was going to belong to someone else. I didn't want that. I wanted to keep it, just for a little more. I still wanted to be Mariel.

But i also didn't want to see it. And i keep saying "it" because that is really how i felt. I never bonded, like mentioned earlier, it was just a bump. I wasn't ready to see what it looked like. Was it really going to be a baby? That sounds ridiculous, but seriously, you are in freak mode when you are on a gurney with an I.V., ok? I was kind of afraid that, like, it would be a spitting image of Jasper, that i would give birth to a mini-me of him. I wasn't ready for that.

Skipping forward. Btw, if you want the dirty details, the whole birth story is somewhere way back a good number of posts. Anyway, the most incredible moment of my life was hearing Jack whine. That was all he did. I couldn't see anything because of the curtain (i got a c-section). All i heard was this little whine. He didn't cry at all! Typical Jack. He just kinda cooed. Like "Hey, its cold out here, whaddaya doing?". Then my mom was like "Oh Mariel, here he comes" and all of the sudden there it was. There HE was. It was a human! It was moving! Oh my gosh, that was in me this whole time! Its a baby! It really is, the TLC shows weren't kidding! And he was looking right at me! Does he recognize me? Will he always know me? Can we stay like this? Please, a few more minutes? He is so beautiful. He is so incredible. He is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. And he is mine. He came from me, that is my DNA right there. That is my child.

They had to take him away right away to get him warm and all that stuff, he was very tiny. They took him away, and i was left there all alone. My mom went along, which i am so glad she did. I wanted her to be there with him. So while he was breathing and living and saying hello to the world, i was put back together. For 20 mintues i was sewed back together, stitched up from the inside out, correcting what they just did to bring this amazing human into the world. I had to lay there, trying not to concentrate on what they were doing, and ignore their casual "So what's the score?" conversation. I just layed there, staring at the bag of blood, staring at the white ceiling, just staring and staring.

I was finally wheeled back to my room. The nurse said she would go get my pain medicine, and i was left alone again. But this time, i was really alone. Just an hour before that, i was in that same place with that amazing human in me, and now i am empty. It is gone. I have nothing now. He is somewhere, and i am here. All alone. I dont know if i have ever cried so hard in my life. Was this the end? It was. This was the end, and everyone says that it is the beginning, but to me, it was the end.

About 45 minutes later, someone finally came through the door, and it was Heather. She had tears in her eyes, and she came over and we just held each other crying. I asked if he was a "Jack", and she said he is for sure a Jack. She said that he is incredible, and he wasn't crying at all. He was staring at all of the other babies being like "Why are you crying??". Typical Jack. She said he was amazing, and i took her word for it. I trusted her, and i knew that she would tell me the truth, and tell me everything.

I was finally taken downstairs. I was wheeled into my room, and i heard everyone out in the hallway. They were actually taking pictures and didn't know i was in there. HA! And they were like "Oh she is in there? Lets go in!!" and they all came in and i just saw a huge stocking and i was confused, and then i saw a tiny head poking out of it. He probably filled like a fourth of it. Kirk was just so happy, and so was heather, and they brought him over to me, and he..... was just so cute. He was perfect. It was an angel in baby form! And he smelled amazing, and looked amazing. He was just amazing. And i held him and just fell in love. He looked nothing like me, which is probably a good thing, but i knew he was mine. And i love him more than anything at that moment. It was like in the movies where everything else fades away and he is just there. His little nose and eyes, and little fingers that couldn't even wrap around one of my fingers. His breathing became my favorite sound, and he face was my favorite sight. He became my favorite thing.

And i have written too much, so i will finish the story later :)