Happy 4 Months!!

I seriously cannot believe that my little Jack is 4 months old. It almost makes me cry, i want him to always stay a little baby. I looked at a pic of him when he was born and a pic now, and he is seriously 3 times the size. No kidding, his weight is 3 times the size. He has gotten so big! Here is an example.

This is the end of January, so about 1 month.

This is about a month ago. Look at those chubs!!

And he is so smart, he is starting to see things and use his hands and legs. He has one of those toys that goes over you as you lay down on a blanket, and it has three little noise makers, and as soon as you lay him down and he looks at it, he goes crazy! His eyes go wide and his breathing gets heavy and his arms and legs are wailing around, and when he finally hits something, you can tell he gets really excited. He knows that if he keeps on moving around, he will eventually hit something. SOOO cute and funny :)

He is still a super cuddly boy. Heather says he is better at being put down, but when you hold him, you can tell he loves it and he forms perfectly to your body.

This is the week after he was born, i think.

Hahaha, i love that face. Hes ZONKED!

Hes just a chubber ball! Its incredible, i cannot believe it, every time i see him. I wonder if they just grow like crazy for the first few months, and then it calms down? And my friend said that when they start crawling and walking, they dont gain as much weight, or they loose it, or something. But he has just, like, gone BOOM and grown. And hes not fat necessarily. I think he is definitely tall. He is very long, i think he will be a tall boy :)

Ok, that picture he definitely is chubby. I laugh so hard every time i see it. (in a macho man voice) "I am Jack!". KIDDING, i love him to death. Its just more to kiss! Heather is defensive when people say fat or chubby. And i quote, "As long as they follow it with 'Oh but hes soooo cute!', then im ok, but if not, BAM!" :) haha. I agree though, he is one of the cutest babies alive and there is nothing wrong with having a little chub. Again, more to love and kiss.

I just cannot wrap my head around it. I mean, duh they arent going to be a baby forever, but every time i see him i want to look him in the eyes and say "Stop growing. Right now." Before i know it, he is going to be crawling and then walking, and then wrecking everything. And then he will TALK!!! Gah. Why do they have to grow up???

Sigh.... i still love him though. I love him more than anything. I love Heather and Kirk, and how amazing they are. They are just exploding with love and you can tell how happy Jack is. And spoiled :) he is getting the COOLEST room, i will have to put pics up when they are done. Its amazing. He is so loved and blessed. I could never ask for anything more. And i couldn't ask for better parents for my little Jack.

I love my mom also. Ive never really talked about her, but i love her to death. She is my all time best friend, and she has been with me for the whole thing, every second, every appointment, every break down cry fest. I love her so much. I really do not know what i would do without her. Who would i watch my tv shows with? :)

Happy 4 month Birthday Jack. I love you little buddie  

Im A Dame At Sea. Thats Me!

So im playing violin for a play that Orem High is doing called Dames At Sea. Its super random. Seriously, its one of those plays where you're like "Ok, you just barely met and you're singing about how they are the one you wanna marry? Really?". But the music is fun and the play is actually really funny. Its been hard writing a part to the whole play, but it has been really fun too. I get to make up my own stuff and be my own boss in a way, and make music, and be a part of something. Nothing beats helping make music come to life. I would chose playing with a play or symphony ANY DAY over doing a solo. Blech!

It opens in two days. Rehearsals have been c-r-a-z-y. There has been some procrastination so we are trying to do day long rehearsals. It doesn't work so well when i have school and night classes and seminary and a lot of other things to do!! It will be worth it though... right?

It seriously is fun though. Kind of nerve wracking, because the singers and actors rely on you, and i have a mic so im super loud so i try not to make funny sounds or mistakes, which is kinda impossible on a violin. I would my rather be at the back playing violin than acting though. I used to do a ton of plays, and this is so much more fun. Just being a chill musician. Yeah, i can live with that.

Not trying to be an advertisement, but if you live close by, it really is a funny and cute show. Kid friendly too. It will be fun  :)

And the Verdict Is.....

I sent it. Well, not the letter, but an email.

Heres the story.

I have an old friend that sent him an email and called him bad words and told him that he was stupid for what he did to me and yadda yadda. He wrote her back, and she forwarded it to me.

It was full of how yes, he cheated on me, but I left HIM (which is true) and how I signed the papers, but he didn't, and he has up to a year to stop the adoption and he can go to the court any time and get him back. He said that he wasn't sure if i could have been able to raise him or not, but he knows that he can and if he really wanted to  he would go and get him.

So, i didn't want to, but i wrote him. I couldn't take it that he had these stupid ideas. He thinks he knows everything, but he has the intelligence of a 5th grader. Nothing against 5th graders....

I was really nervous. I hadn't talked to him in months. But i needed to do it. I prayed, and i just let everything spill out. It was better than writing, because im a fast typer and i dont get impatient with my crappy writing. I let him know about how he was early, and they had to do a c-section, though jasper said "oh, you wont need one. We will do it in a bathtub". HA. I told him every single little pain that i went through, the cut, the scar, the gas, the rash. Everything.

And then i talked about how it was the hardest thing that i did. Placing my son was so hard, but i never felt so right about something. I said that he belonged with them, and there was no doubt in my mind and there still isn't.

I told him what a seriously sex-driven idiot he is. I was trying to keep calm to get my point across, but i told him how much it hurt to have the father of the thing growing inside of you cheat on you and go behind your back. It seriously SUCKS.

I told him about how, according to Utah State Law, adoption only requires the mothers signature. I didn't put his name on the birth certificate, so basically, he doesn't exist. I really said that. I said that if anything, he is just the sperm donor. If he went to court, if he could even AFFORD to get a lawyer and such, they would be like "Well, he is theirs, so... yeah, see ya". I told him that the second i signed it, it was a done deal. Done as done. I couldn't even stop it now if i wanted to. Its done and there is NOTHING he can do about it.

I said that he probably didn't want him. I explained that it isn't something that you smile at and kiss, and then it sits there while you play xbox. Hes gassy, he cries, he has to eat every 5 hours, he needs to be changed, he needs to be held (poor heather and kirk, the guy wont handle being set down, he likes his mommy and daddy). I told him how expensive the formula is, the ONLY one he will eat, because they have tried everything else and it makes me gassy and sick. Also, the price for diapers, clothes, car seat, everything.

I also told him the bill for my surgery, hospital stay, medicine, each doctor that helped (4), ultrasounds, stress-tests, and doctors appointments. And that amount was AFTER insurance, which we wouldn't have had.

I told him that i felt better. I was finally letting him go, and he didn't matter anymore. He was just a bad nightmare, and the only good that will ever come out of him is my son. I said "my son" a lot, because he said "my son" in his response to my friends letter. It is NOT your son, you had NOTHING to do with him and you never will. I said that to Jack, (i never used his name), jasper was just some dude that helped make him. That is all that he is to him. I told him im moving on and i can do amazing things. I said my patriarchal blessing said that i will have an amazing husband and wonderful kids.

I said goodbye, and to not respond.

I. Feel. Amazing. I know people said not to write to him, but i feel loads better. I finally let the acid seep out of me, onto the email, and away, where i will never feel it again, and i can move on and do amazing things. He is just a blurry memory, and i am free from him. Finally.

Finally.

Prom or not to Prom?

What all seniors did today: Went on a fun date, dressed up, did each others makeup, attempted to put on boutonnières, ate at a nice restaurant, and went dancing for hours with their friends and hot dates.

What i did today: Watched tv, worked on homework, and went on a bike ride with my sister while having cars of these seniors drive by.

I love my sister, its not bad that i did things with her. It just kinda stunk when i saw people on my street being picked up and their moms taking pictures of them. It kinda stung. Which i seriously dont know why, because prom isn't that important, especially in 5 years. But it just stinks that i cant go and do a high school thing. Be a teenager again, and go dance like theres not a care in the world. Show my kids my senior prom photo. 

So today was just hard. How come everyone got to go and have a fun teenage memory and not me? Sigh. I shouldn't complain. I really dont have money to go anyway. And plus, i wouldn't like seeing old people. Going to seminary is hard enough.

Maybe ill make my future husband dress up with me and take me to a dance....  

I Should, I Shouldn't, I Should....

So, i talked with my counselor last week about my anger. Yes, i still have anger against Jasper. And this isn't some petty high-school "I hate your stinkin guts" anger, this is serious. I told her how he is in my dreams every night, and most of the dreams are me killing him. Seriously. It sounds funny, but i wake up feeling weird.

Other birth moms that i talk to are like "Oh, i could never hate him, hes my babies daddy". Which, i get. I really do. And a lot of them seem to have gotten over it, and i dont know how to get over my feelings. I was fine while i was pregnant, but ever since i had Jack, i seriously just hate him. I want to punch him in the face. I want to march over there and smack him and knee him in the groin.

So, we were trying to think of ways that i could get it out. Like punching a punching bag, or taking kick boxing, which might help, but it isn't him. Like, i would be punching a bag of fluff, not Jasper, which is what i want to be punching. So she said "Have you written him a letter yet?". I hadn't really thought of that. So when i got home i spent an hour letting everything seep out onto paper, calling him bad words and telling him how much i hate him and what pain i went through and am still going through. Afterwards, i felt really good. A little bit of the anger was gone.

But the problem is that it isn't satisfying enough. I want him to KNOW, to READ what happened to me.

So.... should i send it or not?

I really want to. I want him to read it. My counselor said she has had other birthmoms do that, and they felt loads better. And the birthdads never respond, they either dont care or feel stupid. I want him to feel stupid, though he most likely wouldn't care. But at least he read it. My parents said "What if he just throws it away and doesn't read it?". I thought of that too, but really, i think he would be curious. We haven't talked for a while. And he would probably think that i was begging him to take me back or something. Wont he be surprised when he finds out its the opposite!!!


But, there are some bad sides to it. He could take it as an invitation to communicate with me again. I clearly stated that i didn't want anything in return, i just needed to get it off of my chest so i could move on. But would he try to write back? Or come over? Or would he seriously not care?

I just need to get it out. I cant move on with this lingering above my head, and it has been too long. I need to find a resolution to this subject so i can  be happy again. I am happy, but not as much as i would like. I need to get this acid out of me so that it doesn't keep popping up in my life.

So, people, should i send it or not?

Burn Baby, Burn!!!

I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. BURN THE CRAP!!!

My lovely friends decided to help me burn a big black garbage bag full of stuff from Jasper. A lot of stuff i have gotten over the years has already been thrown away, but i had a few things left.

During one of our many breakups, he gave me back all of the notes i ever gave to him, which was weird. But my friend and I were reading them and i could NOT believe how desperate and stupid i was. "I love you so much, please take me back, its ok if you are with her, i know we will be together someday". Wow. Me and my friends were just laughing at it. Frankly, i was disgusted. I just cant believe how blind and idiotic i was.

So, he always tried to make me be Anarchist like him, and i was. Or, at least, i THOUGHT i was. So he thought it would be hot if i stitched the symbol in my pants, which of course i did because i thought i was cool.

Burn. The. Boxers. Oh yeah.

Yeah, i was excited.

And they stunk. Bad.

It was really therapeutic. It was weird though. I mean, the stuff was just sitting in my room, and i thought "Oh yeah, gotta do that fire", but now that its gone, completely gone (except for the things that wouldn't burn. Thanks to my friend who knew what was and was not burnable, or else i probably would have burned the house down. We did set the fire alarm off though.), its.... i dont know. He was part of my life for so long, and now my room is completely new, no more jasper. He never existed. Which is weird.... because he did. I will never forget him existing. But his stuff is gone. It doesn't haunt me or bother me anymore. But its weird that it is gone, like it shouldn't be gone, it should still be in my room. Does any of this make sense?

The only thing i have left is pictures, which are all going to Jack. He deserves to know what his birthfather looked like, or where he gets certain features from. I didn't even realize that Heather and Kirk have no idea what he looks like either.

Whew..... its good, but still weird.

Oh Yeah

I got accepted to BYU!!!! YAY!!! Im sooo excited :) im going this fall! Im so grateful that i am able to go. Thank you to my counselor for helping me write my essays, my awesome parents and family, my loving friends, and, of course, my sweet little Jack. I owe it all to you little buddie :)