And the Verdict Is.....

I sent it. Well, not the letter, but an email.

Heres the story.

I have an old friend that sent him an email and called him bad words and told him that he was stupid for what he did to me and yadda yadda. He wrote her back, and she forwarded it to me.

It was full of how yes, he cheated on me, but I left HIM (which is true) and how I signed the papers, but he didn't, and he has up to a year to stop the adoption and he can go to the court any time and get him back. He said that he wasn't sure if i could have been able to raise him or not, but he knows that he can and if he really wanted to  he would go and get him.

So, i didn't want to, but i wrote him. I couldn't take it that he had these stupid ideas. He thinks he knows everything, but he has the intelligence of a 5th grader. Nothing against 5th graders....

I was really nervous. I hadn't talked to him in months. But i needed to do it. I prayed, and i just let everything spill out. It was better than writing, because im a fast typer and i dont get impatient with my crappy writing. I let him know about how he was early, and they had to do a c-section, though jasper said "oh, you wont need one. We will do it in a bathtub". HA. I told him every single little pain that i went through, the cut, the scar, the gas, the rash. Everything.

And then i talked about how it was the hardest thing that i did. Placing my son was so hard, but i never felt so right about something. I said that he belonged with them, and there was no doubt in my mind and there still isn't.

I told him what a seriously sex-driven idiot he is. I was trying to keep calm to get my point across, but i told him how much it hurt to have the father of the thing growing inside of you cheat on you and go behind your back. It seriously SUCKS.

I told him about how, according to Utah State Law, adoption only requires the mothers signature. I didn't put his name on the birth certificate, so basically, he doesn't exist. I really said that. I said that if anything, he is just the sperm donor. If he went to court, if he could even AFFORD to get a lawyer and such, they would be like "Well, he is theirs, so... yeah, see ya". I told him that the second i signed it, it was a done deal. Done as done. I couldn't even stop it now if i wanted to. Its done and there is NOTHING he can do about it.

I said that he probably didn't want him. I explained that it isn't something that you smile at and kiss, and then it sits there while you play xbox. Hes gassy, he cries, he has to eat every 5 hours, he needs to be changed, he needs to be held (poor heather and kirk, the guy wont handle being set down, he likes his mommy and daddy). I told him how expensive the formula is, the ONLY one he will eat, because they have tried everything else and it makes me gassy and sick. Also, the price for diapers, clothes, car seat, everything.

I also told him the bill for my surgery, hospital stay, medicine, each doctor that helped (4), ultrasounds, stress-tests, and doctors appointments. And that amount was AFTER insurance, which we wouldn't have had.

I told him that i felt better. I was finally letting him go, and he didn't matter anymore. He was just a bad nightmare, and the only good that will ever come out of him is my son. I said "my son" a lot, because he said "my son" in his response to my friends letter. It is NOT your son, you had NOTHING to do with him and you never will. I said that to Jack, (i never used his name), jasper was just some dude that helped make him. That is all that he is to him. I told him im moving on and i can do amazing things. I said my patriarchal blessing said that i will have an amazing husband and wonderful kids.

I said goodbye, and to not respond.

I. Feel. Amazing. I know people said not to write to him, but i feel loads better. I finally let the acid seep out of me, onto the email, and away, where i will never feel it again, and i can move on and do amazing things. He is just a blurry memory, and i am free from him. Finally.

Finally.