Thanks Guys :)

I love my friends who are always there for my melt downs, and write thee most AWESOME comments on my walls and send me amazing texts. Thank you so much :) i do not know what i would do without you. I love love you <3

Runaway Bride (Not literally, but pertaining to)

I find myself sickeningly hypocritical sometimes.

Why is it that i was obsessed with this guy for years, spent all of my time on him, and let him take full advantage of me in every aspect, and then when someone, nowadays, shows an interest in me, i freak out and run away. Seriously, like Runaway Bride. Why? Because im terrified of relationships. Ill admit it. Thats the sickening part.

I know what you're thinking. Really Mariel, you were in one for 5 years, you should be used to this. Well im not. Seriously, i do not know how to be in a relationship, because what i had with Jasper wasn't a relationship. I seriously do not know what to even call it. A sick weird obsession with each other? Who knows.

I just can't trust men. No offense to men out there. But seriously, after Jasper, and other people i know, and looking at the news and magazines and seeing how men cannot stay with one girl freaks the living hell out of me. I just do not believe that a guy could be committed to me and love me. Jasper always left me for another girl, but would still want sex from me, and then when i thought we were together, i would find out he was getting dirty with another girl. How is that not going to happen to me again?

And how do i know they are being honest? I analyze every word that comes out of guys mouths. Do they really like that band? Do they honestly have that job? Did he really do that? I drive myself bonkers, but i cannot help it. I just feel like guys are constantly trying to impress me, not be their real selves. I would much rather have someone be like "Oh gosh, i really dont like that band, but thats cool that you like them. What do you like about them?" in a nice way, instead of nodding and agreeing when they never have heard a single song.

Yes, i have that major of trust issues.

I just dont believe that a guy can genuinely and honestly just like me. Honestly honestly just like me for who i am, like my weirdness and quirks and faults and just.... have a sincere interest in my goals and talents and entertainment. Maybe i am scarred by Jasper. He didn't like anything i liked, he turned me away from my talents, and he just used me for sex. I honestly do not think he really genuinely liked me, and maybe that is why im scared. I just honestly do not believe that a guy can like me for who i am, that there isn't a catch, or something im missing.

Is this making sense? Am i crazy? Dont answer that.

What brought this up is, well, ive been meeting a bunch of people and trying to date around, right? But, they start texting, being a little too friendly (i am such a good reader), and i delete them and hide. But this one guy, who i met in 11th grade, good friend, took me to high school prom, is different. I do genuinely like him, and i want to believe that he likes me. Ok, rephrase, i know he does, but... i have those trust issues. And its nothing against him at all, no no no, its me. Seriously, i need to get over this, or i will NEVER be sane again.

I need help!

Best Night!!.... and Worse...

I went to Paramore! If you haven't heard at least one of their songs, you need to listen. Asap. I love them, especially their new album. I think Hayley has such an amazing voice and, of course, i love her hair. I tried to cut mine like hers last year. Didn't really work....

I thought no one would go with me, but my friend Robyn went and it was a blast!

Well, ok, first, we gotta back up. I picked her up, we were pumped, got us some Wendy's, were going down 8th north and... BAM! The line of cars just stopped! It was traffic jammed, and its one of those things where all of the sudden the cars are stopped and you are like "Wait, why are you stopped?!?!?" and i slammed into the back of a car. And not just any car. Some chinese dude's rental, so he wasn't really happy. And neither was i, i was trying so hard not to cry. Because i got pulled over two weeks before, i have a lot of points on my record, and, it was my dads car. Not super fancy, but he uses it for work. I felt like i was going to vomit acid, i couldn't believe i ruined a car in my family. And we need it! My dad travels and commutes almost every day. 

I was bawling on the phone to my dad. He was out of state on a business trip, and i was so shaken up. Robyn was a really good sport about it, which i appreciated. The police officer was also really really nice, he actually didn't issue a citation!! Which is good, because i didn't have more points added, and it wasn't another expense.

So, we just had to leave it, because the coolent was dripping all over the place. But Robyn's parents let us drive there. Hey! Don't give me that, the tickets were non-refundable, what was i supposed to do? 

So we made it about 10 minutes before they started, and it was.... ah, it was so incredible. They are just so good live, and they let the audience sing along, and she totally involves us. And it was so LOUD!! Everyone was on their feet, and singing, and the beat was always pulsing through your body. OH MY GOODNESS, it was seriously one of the best concerts i have been too. It is tied with coldplay.

The lights were so awesome for the show.

She is so good, i LOVE her.

Notice the guards around her head making sure she isn't mauled

The butterfly looked SO cool!

Such a great concert. I sang along and danced and watched people go crazy with me. So amazing. 

Nuff said. :)

No Longer an Only Child :)

Jack has a little sister!! She was born earlier this month, and she is just the cutest thing! Its funny because her and Jack are so oblivious to each other! Also, according to Heather, she cries a-l-o-t, and Jack doesn't, but he sleeps through it. Good boy :)

I LOVE this picture, with his arm around her and his big grin!

I feel bad for Heather, she is probably so tired! And Kirk too :) But I can't explain how happy i am for them :) it is awesome for Jack to all of the sudden be a big brother!

We were at their house looking at pictures, and Jack was just gabbing away to my dad, talking and talking! It was soooo funny, when they start talking it is so cute! And his fist is always in his mouth and hes eating it while hes trying to talk.

They were having this big conversation together. Jack was telling him about his day.

And then they were playing videos they took at the hospital, and Jack was quiet, so we looked at him and he was staring at the tv with big eyes. It was so funny! He was just staring at it intently.

Hes doing better with tummy time, Heather says. He wasn't really lifting himself up, but at the doctors office, when they asked about it, he just popped right up! Right on cue! You show 'em Jack :)

A lot of people have asked me if im ok with it. I really am fine. It was a little weird that he wasn't the center of attention anymore, i guess? But i know that they still love Jack just the same. They love them both. It really is so neat seeing them love them and care for both of them. Im happy that they have a boy and a girl now, and it really is just so cool.

After she was born, they brought him in in this way too big shirt that said "only child" scratched out and underneath, in blue, written "big brother". It was so funny! Didn't really help his size, but you just wanna kiss him :)

Anyway, i will try to get more pictures, but i wanna ask Heather if its ok. I will probably leave them for her to post herself :)

Congratulations guys!!

Calling Nurse Mariel and Nurse Leanne!

Heck yeah! We are becoming nurses! I never once  in my life thought i would be a nurse, that stuff just did not appeal to me. But in the hospital last year, i really took an interest in it. So, on a whim, i signed up for a class (payed for cuz im in high school. Oh yeah), and since they had an extra spot, my mom signed up too! So we got every monday and wednesday 5:30 to 9:30 and i am loving it to bits! I especially love having my mom there.

We learn everything. I really stink at blood pressure. Those are harder than they look! We even got into the gory stuff, like bed bathing (we watched a video. So not awkward), and making beds and just EVERYTHING! I love it, i want to work in a hospital, but i seriously wouldn't mind starting in an assisted living home. I love those people, they are so sweet.

So we took our midterms, and we passed with flying colors! We studied all week long, and we drilled each other until i swear we were reciting them in our sleep. And we did it! Only a few more classes, then we start doing clinical's, then we take the state test at the end of June!

I seriously cannot tell you how much i love this. I love the feeling of doing something that really helps people, and i love the environment. The teacher is so nice, and shes such a good teacher. You get a lot of practice and get a lot done.

The best part is having my mom in there with me. I love sitting by her and studying with her. And its something fun that we get to do. She has always wanted to be a nurse, but it is kinda hard with six kids :) but im so exited that she is finally pursuing it, and i just love having her in there with me. It seriously helps when you get to sit by your best friend :)

Prom 2010!!!

I didn't think i would get a senior prom, and i was trying to be ok with it. It really isn't a big deal, right? Because you move on and that stuff doesn't matter in college and what not. Right?

But, i get a call one day from a guy i met through my friend Annette and he was like "Would you like to go to prom with me?" I was so shocked!! Orem high prom had already happened, so i was like "I'd love to... but who's?" and he is like "Annettes prom!" So she calls me and is like "I planned it all for you! We are going on a date, and someone is making the food, and we are having pictures taken and i got a sound system for the dance! Its going to be awesome!" I seriously almost started crying, i could not believe that someone would go to that effort just for me! I was so overwhelmed!

We went to Discovery Park and played tag, which was so much fun, except we got there an hour early because my date had the time wrong, and when i called Annette she was like "Um.... well, im not going to be ready for another 30 minutes". So that was funny :) But the running around was fun! Trying to dodge kids... but fun :)

Then Annette and her sister did my hair and makeup. We had our pictures taken at a park by the temple, and i thought they turned out good!

Then we went to her church which was SO BEAUTIFULLY SET UP! There were lights hung up, and the tables had beautiful clothes on it. And there were these little tables with mirrors that had glass swans sitting on them. It was so pretty!!

We did some karaoke for a while, it was pretty funny. Our friends boyfriend was dancing along to these 80's songs, SO funny. Everyone just sang different songs and we laughed and cheered and it was awesome!

Her friend made us a delicious dinner, and there was honey butter for the rolls, but it seriously looked like mashed potatoes, and everyone was like "What the mashed potatoes?" I dont think she will ever hear the end of it :) it was good though!

And then.... we danced like its 1969! It was so much fun. We exhausted ourselves with twirling and singing in each others faces and trying to do impressive moves. I danced with a bunch of different people, and it was fun because it was just us, and we got to choose the songs!

I was SO tired, but seriously on a high from the dancing! I love love love dancing. Did i mention i love dancing? Love love love.... my legs were so sore for the week after, i seriously couldn't walk, but it was definitely worth it!

Oh, and then we watched Princess Bride at someones house after. Totally awesome. Cary Elwes is so dang attractive. Nuff said.

It was seriously one of the best nights ever! I had so much fun, if i would have gone to Orem's prom it would be NOTHING compared to this, it was so awesome. And i seriously just cant believe that she did that for me. It was the nicest most sweet thing. She is so amazing and thoughtful, i love her. And i met  people and it was just fun! I keep saying fun, but that is seriously what it was. I will always remember this night as probably thee coolest senior prom ever.

I love Annette so much. Thank you for giving me that gift, it means more than words. Thank you so much :)

There is a Light at the End!! Maybe... is it there? Uh, is that it? What?

Btw, im going to separate everything i have to catch up on in about 5 different short posts. I figure its easier to read... right?

SCHOOL!!! What a headache. Oh my goodness. Im doing a lot better than i thought i would be at this point. But i have to be done by next monday. Gah!!
So here is what i have to do, since i know you're all DYING to know :) well,... gah, i dont want to annoy by explaining how my school works, but it will make so much more sense.

Each packet you do is .125 credits. So, 4 packets is a semester class, 8 packets is a year class (8x .125= 1 credit, make sense?) So, depending on the class, i have a certain amount of credits.

1)  I have .75 credits left of PE. Each packet is 15 hours, so imagine me trying to do that many hours in 5 days? Yeah, i didn't think so either. So im doing .5 of those through BYU doing an independant study packet. Bowling. Whoop-de-frickin-do. Its actually a lot harder than it sounds. And i only have 6 more hours of my last PE packet, so im doing 2 hours a day. I. Am. So. Exhausted.

2) I only have the extra cirricular whatever credits left, so, since there is SO much to choose from (very sarcastic voice by the way...) im doing leadership, pretty easy, and a packet called Young Parent, which is for pregnant girls who kept their babies. Yeah, imagine how fun that is to do. A lot of the assignments, i have to ask the teacher what to say. Like this one was like "Write out your schedule for before you were pregnant and your schedule for now being a mom", and im like "Uh..... well, im not a mom....". SO awkward.

So thats it! It shouldn't be too hard, right? I really hope i can get it done!

P.S. these STUPID kids were talking in PE today, about how to get girls and whatever, and this one kid was like "Yeah, girls at this school are like that. I bet every girl in this room would do anything" and i was like "EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?" I didn't say that, but seriously? I wanted to smack him so hard!! Oh gosh, it makes me angry just thinking about it.

Peaceful

The viewing of my beloved friend was tonight. His funeral is tomorrow, and i cannot go, which really, really upsets me, so i especially wanted to go tonight. It might seem scary, seeing them lying there. And it definitely took my breath away, it shocked me. It reminds me of my cousins funeral. I was young, but it was so weird. You expect their chest to rise and fall, or just for them to blink. But it is like you are at a wax museum. Its definitely them, but its so... surreal.

It was hard. I tried really hard not to cry, especially for his wife. She is so strong, i admire her with all my heart. I love her for everything she has done for me, and to be able to be that strong and sweet is so amazing. I was sad and down, but then she said something, that i have heard many times, but it really touched me.

She said "You know, i cannot imagine not having this gospel. I can't imagine this being the last time i see him. How do people out there who do not understand the atonement deal with this? Im sad, but they must be devastated."

How grateful i am, too. I CANNOT imagine never ever seeing someone again. But this life is just a blink. We have eternity after this to be with our loved ones. It seems far away, but we will be with them again. I felt so much better. It is such a blessing to know that. It is sad, and nothing is going to change that, but we are comforted knowing that we will see them again, very soon. And we will be with them for forever.

He looked so peaceful. They planned a family trip together this summer, and they are still planning to go. She said that he would have wanted them to. Again, he was such a great man. He will be missed, but i know with all my heart that he is being taken care of, and that he is taking care of his family. And we will see him again.

Funerals, and viewings, are viewed as a sad thing, but i personally think that they are so spiritual. The veil is thinner and the spirit is so strong. Im just so grateful for this gospel.

You Will Be Missed

Our family had a family friend pass today. I wanted to talk a little about him.

He is a father of four awesome kids. Two of them are best friends with two of my siblings. We went everywhere with them and had each other for dinner. We are basically family.

When i got pregnant, they were some of the first people told. They were so nice to me. They talked to me all the time, they sat by me in church, they invited me places with them, but they also just listened. They stood up for me to judgmental people. They loved me. Their oldest son is adopted, so they were able to really relate to me. They told me their perspective and shared with me their experience.

The mom, one of my very good friends, was one of my witnesses at placement. It was so amazing to have her there, i will forever love her for that. As soon as i had Jack, they called and asked how i was.

He was diagnosed with Leukemia 2 1/2 years ago. He suffered, and had treatment after treatment. He had a bone marrow transplant, and did a lot better. He was always so strong and loving. He had a hip replacement and countless amounts of chemo. He was doing better until about last fall. He was in and out of the hospital. Even when he wasn't feeling good, he went to work, and did things with his kids. He was so strong.

It hurt to hear the news last week that he wasn't doing well. It was a common thing to hear, but the tone of peoples voices confirmed that there was no up on this roller-coaster anymore. It would be soon. It was hard to see his kids at our house playing, trying to be strong. They are so young.

The hospital let him come home two days ago. He wanted to be with his family for the last moments. We were all hoping for a miracle. You always want one to happen.

He slipped into a comma last night as we took dinner over.

This morning, he returned to our Heavenly Father.

He doesn't have to suffer anymore. He can be at peace and pain free.

He loved his kids and loved everyone. He was so nice and was so easy to talk to. He was open and outgoing and just kind hearted. He was so funny too, he always made me laugh. He was willing to go beat up people when they judged me.

I never said bye. I cant believe that i never made time to go see him at the hospital. After everything he did for me. After all of the words, all of the hugs and love. Was i really so busy that i couldn't go? But would it have  helped or made it worse? I did write him a note, but it never got there. My mom told him what it said, so im so happy that he at least he knows how much i loved him. I just really wish that i could have been there to tell him myself. I wish so much.

You will be missed, and always be loved. Thank you for everything. We know you are in a better place, and i know that you will help your family and support them.

I love you.