I find myself sickeningly hypocritical sometimes.
Why is it that i was obsessed with this guy for years, spent all of my time on him, and let him take full advantage of me in every aspect, and then when someone, nowadays, shows an interest in me, i freak out and run away. Seriously, like Runaway Bride. Why? Because im terrified of relationships. Ill admit it. Thats the sickening part.
I know what you're thinking. Really Mariel, you were in one for 5 years, you should be used to this. Well im not. Seriously, i do not know how to be in a relationship, because what i had with Jasper wasn't a relationship. I seriously do not know what to even call it. A sick weird obsession with each other? Who knows.
I just can't trust men. No offense to men out there. But seriously, after Jasper, and other people i know, and looking at the news and magazines and seeing how men cannot stay with one girl freaks the living hell out of me. I just do not believe that a guy could be committed to me and love me. Jasper always left me for another girl, but would still want sex from me, and then when i thought we were together, i would find out he was getting dirty with another girl. How is that not going to happen to me again?
And how do i know they are being honest? I analyze every word that comes out of guys mouths. Do they really like that band? Do they honestly have that job? Did he really do that? I drive myself bonkers, but i cannot help it. I just feel like guys are constantly trying to impress me, not be their real selves. I would much rather have someone be like "Oh gosh, i really dont like that band, but thats cool that you like them. What do you like about them?" in a nice way, instead of nodding and agreeing when they never have heard a single song.
Yes, i have that major of trust issues.
I just dont believe that a guy can genuinely and honestly just like me. Honestly honestly just like me for who i am, like my weirdness and quirks and faults and just.... have a sincere interest in my goals and talents and entertainment. Maybe i am scarred by Jasper. He didn't like anything i liked, he turned me away from my talents, and he just used me for sex. I honestly do not think he really genuinely liked me, and maybe that is why im scared. I just honestly do not believe that a guy can like me for who i am, that there isn't a catch, or something im missing.
Is this making sense? Am i crazy? Dont answer that.
What brought this up is, well, ive been meeting a bunch of people and trying to date around, right? But, they start texting, being a little too friendly (i am such a good reader), and i delete them and hide. But this one guy, who i met in 11th grade, good friend, took me to high school prom, is different. I do genuinely like him, and i want to believe that he likes me. Ok, rephrase, i know he does, but... i have those trust issues. And its nothing against him at all, no no no, its me. Seriously, i need to get over this, or i will NEVER be sane again.
I need help!
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I say, date whenever you feel the time is right for you. Don't do it for anybody else. When you feel comfortable with yourself and everything is right for you, don't make a boyfriend a priority. If it happens that this guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet don't be afraid of it.
ReplyDeleteIt'll happen when it's supposed to. And when it does, you have to trust yourself and also put your trust in the Lord. He will never lead you astray and will lead you to the right guy.
I'm with both of these girls on this. I agree with Alyssa. Remember what we talked about too. Tell him what you want and can handle right now. If he's worth the time, is trustworthy, and respects you he will do as you ask of him, he will be understanding. I totally agree with the checking in with other people who know him. If it makes you feel like your going behind his back by asking other people tell him that your doing. Maybe not who your talking to but just that it's happening and explain why. Check in with people you know know him and see if the stories line up. Stefanie made a good point about trusting God. If you ever have questions about a persons integrity, God is the one to ask. He won't lead you astray. I love you honey and am here for you. Let me know how today went. :)
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