So, i talked with my counselor last week about my anger. Yes, i still have anger against Jasper. And this isn't some petty high-school "I hate your stinkin guts" anger, this is serious. I told her how he is in my dreams every night, and most of the dreams are me killing him. Seriously. It sounds funny, but i wake up feeling weird.
Other birth moms that i talk to are like "Oh, i could never hate him, hes my babies daddy". Which, i get. I really do. And a lot of them seem to have gotten over it, and i dont know how to get over my feelings. I was fine while i was pregnant, but ever since i had Jack, i seriously just hate him. I want to punch him in the face. I want to march over there and smack him and knee him in the groin.
So, we were trying to think of ways that i could get it out. Like punching a punching bag, or taking kick boxing, which might help, but it isn't him. Like, i would be punching a bag of fluff, not Jasper, which is what i want to be punching. So she said "Have you written him a letter yet?". I hadn't really thought of that. So when i got home i spent an hour letting everything seep out onto paper, calling him bad words and telling him how much i hate him and what pain i went through and am still going through. Afterwards, i felt really good. A little bit of the anger was gone.
But the problem is that it isn't satisfying enough. I want him to KNOW, to READ what happened to me.
So.... should i send it or not?
I really want to. I want him to read it. My counselor said she has had other birthmoms do that, and they felt loads better. And the birthdads never respond, they either dont care or feel stupid. I want him to feel stupid, though he most likely wouldn't care. But at least he read it. My parents said "What if he just throws it away and doesn't read it?". I thought of that too, but really, i think he would be curious. We haven't talked for a while. And he would probably think that i was begging him to take me back or something. Wont he be surprised when he finds out its the opposite!!!
But, there are some bad sides to it. He could take it as an invitation to communicate with me again. I clearly stated that i didn't want anything in return, i just needed to get it off of my chest so i could move on. But would he try to write back? Or come over? Or would he seriously not care?
I just need to get it out. I cant move on with this lingering above my head, and it has been too long. I need to find a resolution to this subject so i can be happy again. I am happy, but not as much as i would like. I need to get this acid out of me so that it doesn't keep popping up in my life.
So, people, should i send it or not?
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I say send it. Whether he reads it or not is up to him, but at least you will have done your part. It sounds like the letter was pretty intense, so I don't know if he'll try to come back. I think he'll feel stupid. And I hope he does. But I say send it. You'll never actually know what'll happen until you do. =) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWow.. way to burn all that stuff!! You are so brave, and I know what you mean about it being weird.. good but weird. I think that will be really great in the long run. Thanks for saving the pictures! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd this is a tough one!! send it or not.. I would say go for it.. except for that you make a great point.. what if he tries to communicate back.. which he might. He would definitely read it I think. hmmmm... You'll have to let us know what you decide. I don't want to give an opinion and have it backfire on you! I'm just so sorry that you have to have that anger with you. It's totally justified but it's still awful to have those feelings. I hope you are able to find a way to let it go and find freedom and peace in knowing all the wonderful truths of the gospel you know. We love you and Jack loves you and we we always will!!
I wrote a letter to Nic when I was pregnant. He didn't write back because he didn't think he should write back because I was just letting out my anger. You've gone this long without contacting Jasper. That's opening the door and letting him walk inside your house if you send him that letter. Even though you guys aren't together, you're still letting him control you. Obviously, you're angry with him right? That's taking control of your emotions. Leave that door closed, girl. Put padlocks and steel bars around it. You don't need that negative influence in your life. You placing Jack, turned everything that was negative into such a positive. You can either hate him for helping you create Jack, or respect Jasper (not like him or be on good terms with him) as Jack's dad and that he allowed you to go through with the adoption. And Jack now has a mom and a dad. Think about it, if Jack was in your life, I'm sure you'd still have that hate for Jasper and you want Jack in the middle of that?
ReplyDeleteWould you still have the opportunity to go to BYU? The "I hate you guts" phase comes and goes. And you'll be happy when it's gone. Realize what you have in your life now and if he comes into it, watch as it will all fall apart. Trust me.
It sounds like you need to go to group ;)
It will go away eventually--it may take a long time, but as you move on with other things in your life, you will lose more and more of the anger. And when you find Mr. Right for real, then it will go away. That's my opinion only though. I don't know if you should send the letter or not--that's a good question because you don't want to open a door to him at all. I am sorry it is all so hard and frustrating. Congratulations on getting into BYU though!! That is really exciting!
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