Adoption (Part one)

I haven't really written about Adoption lately, and since this month is National Adoption Month, i thought i would write a little smidge.

I never, ever thought in my whole entire life that i would ever have to go through something like adoption. Ill admit, i was very judgemental, and whenever i saw a pregnant girl i would do what everyone else usually does and think "Oh my gosh, i feel so bad for her. How could she do that?". I feel sick now that i used to think that way, because i had to go through 9 months, and more, of people giving me those looks. And telling me openly how they felt about it. Which was SO awesome.

Now, i feel like I would be nobody without adoption, but i would DEFINITELY be nobody without Jack. There is no way to describe a mothers love for her child. And i never understood, i was like "Yeah, ok, my mom and dad are my parents, i dont see why they are getting all boogada-boogada about this". But honestly, you can just ask me about Jack, and i will start bawling. I love him with my whole heart. I love him with everything that i have, and everything that i do is for him. He is the light in my life, and my heart just bursts with love.

And this love is a whole new thing. I have never felt anything like this. I thought i loved Jasper, but that was the stupid high school love stupid business, and I do love Nick, but that is a completely different love. What i have for Jack is something completely unique and special. I would do anything for him.

I will admit, throughout my whole pregnancy, i never really connected to Jack. Well, he was called "Little Buddy" because we didn't know the name yet. But some women just automatically bond, and they rub their belly and talk to them and just love it, but to me, it was a stomach. It was just a bump on the front of me that became my main feature. Seriously, i should have set up a booth and had people to pay to come look at the pregnant girl and ask 3 questions. For 5 bucks. I probably could have made some good money.... I mean, that is how i felt with all of the looks i got every single second of every day.

21 Weeks

28 Weeks

35 weeks

It wasn't until i was in the hospital where everything hit me. Quick recap, i went in for a checkup, and they decided right then and there that they were going to deliver. At 37 weeks and one day. He came out and was like "Alright, lets go get your room set up" and i was like "Whoa there buddy, what?" So I didn't have any time to "mentally" prepare, i was stripped down, put in a nightgown, and all of the sudden i was hooked up to like 5 different machines and i was telling my dad on the phone what to bring me from home. Like i had any idea. Poor heather and kirk weren't expecting it either, Heather was like "Are you serious?". I mean, they were excited, we just weren't planning for another week or so.

After turning me into Frankenstien and getting me all hooked up, and the paper work was filled out, and the nurses had finally given me time to breathe, my mom looked me in the eyes and asked if i was ok. I lost it. I wasn't ok. I had no idea what i was doing, i had never been in a hospital, i had never had a freaking baby! What was i supposed to do?? Wasn't i supposed to stretch or something for the week before? I had been eating junk food the whole time, what i gave birth to a medium french fry?

But the biggest thing is that i wasn't ready to give it all away. This bump, this stomach, had been a part of me for 9 months. My life had changed because of this thing, and i hadn't realized how connected i really was until i was hours away from loosing it. This part of my life was going to be gone. This thing that i had sacrificed everything for, my education, my family, my reputation, my health, my faith, everything, was about the be out of my life. It wouldn't be mine anymore. It was going to belong to someone else. I didn't want that. I wanted to keep it, just for a little more. I still wanted to be Mariel.

But i also didn't want to see it. And i keep saying "it" because that is really how i felt. I never bonded, like mentioned earlier, it was just a bump. I wasn't ready to see what it looked like. Was it really going to be a baby? That sounds ridiculous, but seriously, you are in freak mode when you are on a gurney with an I.V., ok? I was kind of afraid that, like, it would be a spitting image of Jasper, that i would give birth to a mini-me of him. I wasn't ready for that.

Skipping forward. Btw, if you want the dirty details, the whole birth story is somewhere way back a good number of posts. Anyway, the most incredible moment of my life was hearing Jack whine. That was all he did. I couldn't see anything because of the curtain (i got a c-section). All i heard was this little whine. He didn't cry at all! Typical Jack. He just kinda cooed. Like "Hey, its cold out here, whaddaya doing?". Then my mom was like "Oh Mariel, here he comes" and all of the sudden there it was. There HE was. It was a human! It was moving! Oh my gosh, that was in me this whole time! Its a baby! It really is, the TLC shows weren't kidding! And he was looking right at me! Does he recognize me? Will he always know me? Can we stay like this? Please, a few more minutes? He is so beautiful. He is so incredible. He is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. And he is mine. He came from me, that is my DNA right there. That is my child.

They had to take him away right away to get him warm and all that stuff, he was very tiny. They took him away, and i was left there all alone. My mom went along, which i am so glad she did. I wanted her to be there with him. So while he was breathing and living and saying hello to the world, i was put back together. For 20 mintues i was sewed back together, stitched up from the inside out, correcting what they just did to bring this amazing human into the world. I had to lay there, trying not to concentrate on what they were doing, and ignore their casual "So what's the score?" conversation. I just layed there, staring at the bag of blood, staring at the white ceiling, just staring and staring.

I was finally wheeled back to my room. The nurse said she would go get my pain medicine, and i was left alone again. But this time, i was really alone. Just an hour before that, i was in that same place with that amazing human in me, and now i am empty. It is gone. I have nothing now. He is somewhere, and i am here. All alone. I dont know if i have ever cried so hard in my life. Was this the end? It was. This was the end, and everyone says that it is the beginning, but to me, it was the end.

About 45 minutes later, someone finally came through the door, and it was Heather. She had tears in her eyes, and she came over and we just held each other crying. I asked if he was a "Jack", and she said he is for sure a Jack. She said that he is incredible, and he wasn't crying at all. He was staring at all of the other babies being like "Why are you crying??". Typical Jack. She said he was amazing, and i took her word for it. I trusted her, and i knew that she would tell me the truth, and tell me everything.

I was finally taken downstairs. I was wheeled into my room, and i heard everyone out in the hallway. They were actually taking pictures and didn't know i was in there. HA! And they were like "Oh she is in there? Lets go in!!" and they all came in and i just saw a huge stocking and i was confused, and then i saw a tiny head poking out of it. He probably filled like a fourth of it. Kirk was just so happy, and so was heather, and they brought him over to me, and he..... was just so cute. He was perfect. It was an angel in baby form! And he smelled amazing, and looked amazing. He was just amazing. And i held him and just fell in love. He looked nothing like me, which is probably a good thing, but i knew he was mine. And i love him more than anything at that moment. It was like in the movies where everything else fades away and he is just there. His little nose and eyes, and little fingers that couldn't even wrap around one of my fingers. His breathing became my favorite sound, and he face was my favorite sight. He became my favorite thing.

And i have written too much, so i will finish the story later :)