I Knew It!

So, before i explain the title, i did put my blog to "invite only" whatever, but then i changed my mind and put it back to open. I was worried about Jasper reading it, or just getting info from it, but im pretty sure he already knows about the adoption, and i really don't say anything specific on here. Im definitely not going to say when im due, when im going into labor, or say anything about the labor until AFTER papers are signed. Why? For this reason.

You know that rumor about him coming to visit for New Years? Everyone told me not to worry, and that he probably won't visit me or try anything. I know him, i know what he is like, and i knew that he wasn't coming just to visit some old friends. Im not dumb. So, today, i got the email that i had been waiting for. Not literally, but you know, i knew it was coming. Basically, he wants to be at the birth. He said he knew that i didn't want him to talk to me (yeah, he obviously can't take hints very well), but this baby is just as much his as it is mine, and he wants to be there. If i could tell him the due date, or the time around when i think ill have him, that would be great. Ok... first of all, I KNEW IT! To all of you who thought that he wasn't going to try anything and that his visit was innocent, i just have to say i told you so. Just kidding, sorry, im in a crabby mood. But, the email didn't surprise me. I knew it would come up eventually.

So i wrote back saying that i know he didn't want to be there just for the birth and just to see him. I said that i couldn't trust him and i had a feeling that his intentions were to try to convince me to keep it. I mean, really, i know he is not ok with adoption. Im sorry that he isn't, but... i guess i just wish he could see what i see in adoption. See that it is the right thing for this child. So i know that hes not coming to just see the birth and that everything will be fine. I have a sick feeling that he would try to convince me to keep, try to sign something to keep it from happening, or who knows, kidnap him or something. Ok, the last one was extreme. But really?

And i will admit, for a minute or two, i really thought about it. Ironically, i read a post from my friend Stefanies blog. I read what she wrote about her labor. She had her baby daddy there, and she talked about how neat it was to have him bond with the baby and have that time with her, but to also have his support, and have someone there who knew almost exactly what she was going through. I was thinking about it, and again, for a minute, i was thinking that i wanted that too. I just wanted this baby to know who his dad was, to have pictures of the three of us for him to know that we both love him so much. But, i know that that is impossible. I know that he doesn't feel as i do, and he wouldn't be there for me or to support anything, he just wants to see the baby. Which i understand. Dont get me wrong. I know he wants to see his child, but i feel that its not for the right reasons. I told him that i dont want extra stress or drama, and that he would most likely bring that if he came. I really just dont want him at the birth. Its going to be the hardest thing of my life. The right thing, but the hardest thing, and i dont want any stress or pressure or drama from him. Period.

Also, giving birth is pretty personal. Like, im pretty sure that only my mom is going to be in there. Im not sure yet about Heather, i would love having her in there, but ill have to see how i feel, i guess :) but yeah, my dads not going to be in there, none of my friends. I know its different for everyone, but this is definitely going to be a very private and personal thing for me. Heck, im not sure if i want people visiting me afterwards yet! Jk, i probably will. But... i dont know, its just... i dont want him there. Not only for the fact that im pretty exposed and birth is pretty intense and gross, but i feel like, other than my parents, family, counselor, etc., ive been in this pregnancy alone. This has been my own journey, and he hasn't been a part of it. He was, but he made some mistakes, and i had to leave him out of it. But even when he was, he wasn't there all the time. This has been my personal journey, and there have been people on it that i care about, like my mom, dad, siblings, some extended family, my counselor, some friends, heather and kirk. But not him. I really feel like he doesn't deserve to be there. He wasn't here for me, didn't prove himself to be worth being here for me even if he wanted to be, and he doesn't deserve to be there. At all.

So, i talked to my parents about his email, and we decided that it was best that my dad wrote him back. My dad just said that i have told him several times to not contact me, and if continues to disrespect that wish then we will get a restraint. No one wants him there, and he has no right to be there. I dont want him in my life anymore, and he needs to move on and stop contacting me. I love my dad :)

Anyway, i wish this drama would end, but i fear it never will. Sorry if there is ever a lack of information about how baby is doing, but im going to be really careful about what i say, just to be safe. I dont want him showing up or anything, so im going to be a little on the downlow from now on. Just about baby :)