The Scarlet "P"

In sunday school yesterday, the lesson was on "The Family; A Proclamation to the World", and talking about that. It was a very good lesson, and i was doing well until we got to the part about how procreation is solely for after marriage. Yeah... first off, it was Gospel Doctrine, and they have two different classes, and i was in the smaller one, which means there was... like 15 other people? So the lesson was directed at the Youth and how we can make family the number one priority in their life. Im not a "youth" anymore, i guess, but still. There i was, the pregnant teenager. Example to all!

Anyway, the thing about how procreation after marriage stung a little, because i know its true. Seriously, i know that what i have done is wrong, and that i really should have waited until after marriage, and i have been paying the consequences and im doing what i think is right, and i know that the Proclamation to the World is true. And i know that no one was trying to point me out, i know that. But this woman made a comment, something about (i have an awful memory, im trying to remember) how it is really important for teens to wait until after marriage, because participating in that can destroy the soul, and it is so hard for girls if it ends up badly (im guessing she meant getting pregnant) and that the girls can ruin their lives and so can the boys, a bunch of stuff like that.

 I was trying sooooo hard to keep my head high and not let things get to me, but my face got hot and the lump started forming in my throat, and i started thinking "Ok, do i stand up and walk out like i have to go to the bathroom and save myself from possible embarrassment or would it look better to stay and be strong??" Anyway, it was interesting, because when she was done there was like, this silence for a couple seconds. There was an air of like "Oh no, Mariel is in the room. Awkward!" and i think they all noticed me tearing up. So yeah, i felt like a retard. But then a guy behind me, who i really admire and appreciate for saying this, started saying how it is hard when girls get in those predicament and how the boys often leave them and they have to struggle through the hardship and pain and embarrassment, as if they are wearing a scarlet "P" on their stomach, and how, if the girls make the right choices, they are so strong and amazing and we need to admire them. Yeah, i started crying when he mentioned the guys leaving. I know he said it as a complement to me and to make me feel better. I think i was mostly crying because i felt stupid FOR crying in front of everyone, so i turned to grab my bag but there was a lady walking towards me, and she sat down and put her arm around me and someone passed over kleenex. So i got to sit there for the rest of the lesson getting sympathy glances just because my stupid hormones had to act up. Grrrr

So yes, i just felt stupid. I know that the teacher in no way, or anyone else, directed anything said at me, i know that, dont get me wrong. The teacher came up after and was apologizing, and it was fine, she didn't mean anything. But its true, you know, you should not, for any reason, have sex before you are married. And its not just because you can get pregnant. Really, the worst part is what it can do to you. I was in a dark place for a very long time, and it is impossible to describe, but... it really can hurt your soul, how you feel about yourself and others, and it distorts your view of love. I hate confessing it and realizing it, but i feel that my relationship with jasper really didn't have love in it. Genuine love and respect. I did love him, i really did, but not in the right way, and not in the way that a couple needs to love each other, and i know that it is the same on his side. I know he loved me (i hate saying it, i mean, im still a little bitter here), but he didn't fully respect me and love me like he should have, or like any guy should love a girl. Lust in no way equals love.

The comment that the woman made was right, it can hurt you and destroy you, and things can result from it. Like pregnancy, obviously. But, like i have said before, i never view Little Buddie as a mistake, a bad thing, my punishment, whatever. I don't. He is beautiful and amazing, and he is going to be such an amazing young man. He is a son of God, and he is this beautiful amazing human being. How could he be a mistake? How could he be a bad thing? The time isn't right for me, but the time is definitely right for him. He is supposed to be here, and he is supposed to be with Heather and Kirk right now. Its just interesting, you just think of the birth mom, and how its "unfortunate" for her to be pregnant, and sad for her to "loose" her baby, and its a good thing that the baby is going to a couple, but if you really think about it, its really like Heavenly Father planned it. Heather and Kirk have been waiting for kids, and, for whatever reason (in a good way, that sounded kinda harsh :/), Little Buddie is supposed to be with them now. Its just like any couple or family having a baby, there is a time that that kid is supposed to join that family, so this is Little Buddies time. Hes a comin. And of course there are times when I feel like he is supposed to be mine, or i wonder why this has happened to me (well, other than the obvious), but i just can't picture him being with me. Im his deliverer, and im simply his way to get here on earth to do his thing.

Preachy, i know. I think too much. But, something that the guy in sunday school said, the thing about the Scarlet P, it has stuck with me. I just had to read the Scarlet Letter barely, and i read it last year too, and when i read it this time i would almost start crying because i know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through. Though most people know who the father is, unlike her situation. But the looks and comments and everything, its crazy. The way people look at me, it really is like i have this huge P on my belly. I know it will take me a while to get used to people being normal after i have the baby. Because i just mentally put on this face and give people a look, so after birth, i might offend some people. Hahaha, we will just have to see i guess.

Heather and Kirk came over for dinner last night! So much fun, i love them! Thank you guys!