5.5 miles at 7 months

I don't know why i always think i can do something and totally forget the fact that im pregnant :) It really wasn't that bad, it was a steady flat pace through the San Raefiel swell (spelling?) by Goblin Valley. It was kinda nice to get out and moving, and i realized how completely out of shape i am! I hope being out of shape doesn't affect how i do in birth. Im still really sore, and i was so winded. Sigh...

I have had these severe pains in my upper stomach, and of course i assume the worst immediately and think that they are contractions, and i freak myself out. But i don't think they are. Either my stomach isn't liking stuff i eat or maybe my belly is getting ready for birth? Who knows. Scary stuff though, it makes me think of birth, and i just do NOT want to think about it! It terrifies me! If the pain i had today is anything like contractions, then im not going to do so well. I honestly thought for a second that i was going to die. Im not a good handler of pain.

I realized i was kinda depressed, especially when i talked about friends and people not caring. I still somewhat feel that way, and this experience has helped me realize who people truly are, and who will be your friend. Some of my best friends are girls from my group who are going or who have gone through the same thing. I mean, what could be better then talking to people who don't only know what you're going through but are actually going through it. I love talking to Alyssa, she had her baby a couple months ago, and she is really open with me and tells me how it is. I really appreciate people like that, because i know this is not going to be easy. Our group subject one week was about life after adoption, and four women came in that had been through the same experience. Some were nice and polite, saying they got through it, but two of the women were so awesome, and they were like "Not going to lie, it sucks. It will be the hardest thing you have been through", which is a little shocking to some, but i was seriously thinking Thank You. Im the type of person that likes to know how it is, because then i better prepare myself and i get through it easier. Like getting a shot, i would have my mom pinch my skin and be like "It will feel like this" and then i wasn't as scared. And everyones experience is different, mine might be Hell or worse, but i love hearing peoples stories, and things they did to get their mind off of it.

Jasper news? None. Im surprised too, its like he disappeared off the face of the world. I would usually hear from him by now, or i would have run over there begging him to take me back. Its been 2 weeks now. Our "anniversary" was on Saturday. It was really hard, it made me think of how that became our anniversary. Our first kiss, very lame, funny, and sweet. Im glad i was on a hike to get my mind off of it. And its still hard, everyday, but with the Lords help and help from my family and a few friends, it eases the pain.

Alyssa wrote an awesome blog about the show Glee, and how a girl on it gets pregnant and has the support of her boyfriend and it seems like a happy ever after. I have to agree with her that shows like that and The Secret Life of the American Teenager are total hollywood scenarios. The boyfriend, unless he's amazing, is never there, or ends up being a total frog. They might be supportive at first, but they will get freaked out, get lazy, or just plain not care. I wish there was a guy somewhere that could love me right now, not going to lie. I wish someone could just hang with me, love me for who i am, hold my hand and just love me. It hurts everyday, but i think its for the better. I need to go through this experience by myself and make myself stronger, and not rely on someone else to make me stronger. Because that is what ive done for the past couple years, my happiness and self-esteem relied on this one guy and what he thought of me or said to me. I need to learn to be my own person, and to be strong in myself before i start another relationship. And, there aren't a ton of guys out there that are attracted to pregnant girls. Its a big turn off.

Thank you Alyssa for your post, and thanks to anyone out there that reads this. If there is anyone :) i just hope people know me, and know what i have to say :)