Clarification

I need to say something about that last one. Some things i said were a little out there and rude, and i do not want anyone thinking that i hate Jasper. I am very upset about what happened, but i could never hate him. We created a life together, and because of that life inside of me, i have become a much better and stronger person. I love this little guy so much, so how could i hate Jasper? In my journal to "little buddie", as heather and I call him since boy names are difficult, I always tell him that i love his daddy, because i do not want him growing up having negative thoughts of his daddy. I do not think any kid should grow up having negative feelings about one parent because of what the other parent said. I hope he realizes that his daddy made some mistakes, and needed to face the consequences, but i dont hate him. I really do not. Im upset and hurt, beyond anything, but i do not hate him.

I sounded very rude, and i want to say that what i said was true, and those were my true feelings, but i do not want to put Jasper in a bad light, especially those of you who read this blog and know who he is. He is not a bad person, but i believe he made a bad choice.

I... just believe that... when you are married, it is not just an excuse to hang out all the time. Marriage is a commitment from the start, and you bond in more ways then just love. Being husband and wife is COMPLETELY different than being boyfriend and girlfriend, and i did not want to be engaged as... a title. I believe that if you are engaged, you start right then a commitment to each other and you start planning for your future. Yes, its cute to have rings and to belong to someone, but if you are engaged... you're pretty serious about each other, and you really REALLY want that person and only that person, and you will do whatever you can to make the other one happy, comfortable, safe, etc.

I think that is why it hurt so much. It hurt that someone who declared that they loved me so much, day in and day out, went and did something like that. It breaks all forms of trust, like, not just a trust of letting them hang with friends, but a trust in everything. What was said that was lies? What was true? Was he really somewhere he told me? And it scared me too. I just feel like i cannot be married to someone who i have ANY trust issues with. At all. Even if i dont trust that they mean it when they say they like chocolate. Ok, that was dumb. But you get what im saying.

So, all-in-all, i apologize for bashing and putting him in a bad light, and i hope that people do not judge him solely on what i said about him. Just releasing feelings, as always.