Welcome To The World Jack!

Yes, he came earlier than any of us thought!! I thought New Years Eve was early, but he came on Tuesday! I know its taken me a while to write this, but i had to make sure that the papers went through and that everything was ok. So this is a long story, but ill try to be as short as possible. And, it might be a little gory. Just to let you know.

So, i had been going to the Perinatologist every Tuesday and Wednesday for a NST (non-stress test), because his abdomen had been measuring small. I was used to it, just go in, lay down and have two circles strapped to my belly; one for his heart beat and the other for contractions. During the test i had a small contraction, which i actually felt. I hadn't been feeling other ones but i felt that one. I was going to get my ultrasound on Thursday, two days later, and the doctor would determine whether i should keep going or be induced. But the doctor was there that day, so my mom asked if we could do the ultrasound then instead of waiting two more days. He said sure and we did it. After a few minutes he explained that the baby had grown, as well as the abdomen, but the abdomen hadn't caught up to the rest of the body, it was still lagging by about 4 weeks. And, the contraction i had during the test had caused jacks heart rate to dip, and that wasn't good. So, they would induce me, and he left to call my doctor to talk about when.

My mom and i waited in the waiting room, thinking that it would be that saturday, or maybe the next monday. He finally came out after about 15 minutes, and said "Well, your doctor agrees with me. Im going to go grab a nurse, she will start your room and we will get you going." If we lived in cartoon land, my mouth would have hit the floor. I looked at him and blurted out (kinda rudely) "Now?" and he was like "Well, uh... yes, yes right now." and left to get the nurse. My mom and i just looked at each other and she gave me a big hug saying that it would be ok. I was so in shock, i didn't really believe it. I called my dad, who was worried and surprised and i told him what to bring. We hadn't even packed a suitcase!! We were SOOO not prepared. I texted Heather and Kirk and said "Well,... i think its happening today." She called me and after we squealed about it she said to text her when i want them to be there.

We got escorted to our room, i had to strip and put on the oh-so-lovely gown and get in bed. We answered questions, i got my IV (which wasn't too bad, my nurse said she had had to put IV's into squirming kids so she was pro), i got checked and i was still 1 1/2 cm. They said they would wait for my doctor. I kind of just lay there in shock, the whole thing had not hit me yet. Doc came after a while, checked me, said that i wasn't too far but my water was ready to brake. I was like "o.....k?" I mean, i have no idea about anything. So he did it, and man, its seriously the weirdest thing ever! It feels like youre peeing your pants but for hours. Since my water was broken they started me on Pitocin, which puts you into labor. They started at a 4, which means 4 drops and hour. Thats what they start everyone at. And man oh man did it work. I started getting contraction after contraction, and they came in and were like "Whoa, we are going to turn it down", so they did. They checked me and i was 3 cm! So it REALLY worked for me! But they noticed that when i had a contraction, Jacks heartbeat would dip, and it was dipping a lot, so they turned off the pitocin. He heart rate went back to normal, which was good, but i wasn't progressing or having contractions. So they turned it back on but at a 2, and same thing, he didn't like it and his heart rate was scary.

I have to quickly add that during that whole time, i was so scared. I think i was in shock. My mom asked me at one point if i was ok, and i started bawling, because i wasn't. I wasn't ready for this, i wasn't prepared, it was so unexpected and i had no idea what i was doing. She was crying with me, and she was always there, by my side.

So the "petocin-on-petocin-off" routine went on for a while. Oh, by the way, I got in my room at about noon, and by this point it was like 6pm. So my doctor comes in and explains that the pitocin is stressing baby out, but it helps me with labor, so they were going to turn it off and see if i could progress by myself. Oh, i forgot about my epidural. I was having really strong contractions, not super bad, but they did hurt. My nurse was like "You can have it anytime you want, just say so". I guess for some reason i was trying to be strong and not take it, or see how long i could go without it. Plus, i was afraid of getting it. But my mom was like "Mariel, it will really help, just get it", so i did. It was so funny, the nurses were like "Ok, just to warn you, the anesthesiologist is not the nicest guy ever. Just remember that." and we were like "He is mean?" and they said "Oh no, he will do amazing, he is pro, but he... just isn't very friendly. He is amazing and the doctor you want, but..." and my mom said "Hes like House?" and shes like "YES! That is a perfect description." So they sat me up and got ready so that "he would be happy". He came in and he wasn't as bad as they put him. Sure he needs to work on his social skills and he was a little bland, but he really did do a great job. Ok, i didn't believe it when people would say "It is not as bad as it sounds", but seriously, it isn't. It is a little sting and poke, and then you can feel the tube going in, which is creepy. Then you feel this... jello-like stuff spreading throughout your lower back. Way creepy. I was singing a hymn in my head to calm myself, and my mom was holding my hand. My dad was outside, he cant handle anything medical :) After he came in with a green face and said "I cant... imagine what they just did to you" with a little shiver. He is so funny :)

So, we waited until seven. Doc came back in, checked me, and said that i hadn't progressed at all. He said there was a chance of c-section, but they would wait a little and see. At 7:15 he came in and explained that babies heart rate had started dipping on its own, without the pitocin. He said that jack was too stressed, and wouldn't make it if we kept trying to let me go on my own. So, c-section was announced. I almost started crying, it had been such a long day. I had laid there for hours with this drama weighing on me. Heather and Kirk came at like 2, btw. So they were in and out. At that point Heather was in there with my mom. My dad had left because he had a Nutcracker performance (he is in the pit, NOT a dancer :) ), which he really didn't want to go to, but we insisted, and he said to call. So yes, i was terrified. I had not even thought of c-section. My mom told me that it would be ok, and so did Heather. We were all worried. I asked him if it would be bad for my future kids, and make me not have as many, but he said that vaginal birth after c-section was more common nowadays.

So, it was just another shocker. I didn't know what to think. They brought in clothes for my mom, because she FOR SURE was going to be in there. They told me that only one person was allowed in, and i was like "My mom!!". The anesthesiologist came in and pumped up my epidural a ton. They wheeled me to the typical all-white room full of fancy machinery. They had to scoot me from the gurney to the table, which was funny, because i was completely numb and the nurse was like "Can you scoot with your abdomen?" and i felt like saying "Uh, no?" i mean, come on. So these tiny nurses had to lift my legs while the anesthesiologist (thats a long word. Lets call him bob) lifted my top half. Kinda funny. Anyway, everyone was tying each others gowns and masks, tools were being set up. Then they put the drape up in front of me. My mom came in and stood by my head, and i said "As soon as he is out, go over and take a TON of pictures!!" Bob told her that if she felt light headed to sit down, and i told her that she didnt have to watch it, but she was like "No, its interesting, really". Crazy!

So, i dont know how to describe how it feels, except that you feel tugging. You dont feel any pain, no stings or sharpness, just tugging. You know something is going on! It was really short too, like, they told me it was an hour proces, but it was only like 5 minutes and then he was out. And the way that i knew he was out was by what the nurse said, which i will never forget, it was so weird. She was like "His foot is in his mouth!!".... what?! How do you put your foot in our mouth? Was it like that the whole time? It was funny :) And he didnt cry! He was not like the screeching babies, he was so calm and i just heard a couple of mews, like a baby lamb whining or something. I couldn't help but smile, he sounded so cute.

Then Sherri, the nursery nurse, holding jack and my mom popped around the corner, and laid jack on my chest. I have to say... that was one of the most amazing moments of my life. It wasn't a belly anymore, it wasn't a lump, he wasn't "little buddie". He was real, a human, he was jack, lying there 6 inches from my face. I gave birth to this incredible little human, i did that. And he opened his big dark turquoise eyes and looked right at me, and looked casually around the room, so peaceful and chill and calm. I couldn't comprehend it. It was just... so amazing. Words cant describe it.

So they had to take him down to the nursery, and the sewed me up! Again, no pain or distinct feeling, but more tugging, and the tugging... was a smudge painful and just annoying. THAT was the long part, it took about 20-25 minutes. Then they rolled me onto a gurney and wheeled me back into my room. Bob came in a unplugged my epidural, and the nurse was doing her thing. She said they would give me percocet and left. I was by myself, but it was nice, because i needed to think about things. Again, i just couldn't believe that one, i had a c-section, and two, i just gave birth. I had so many mixed emotions; i was happy that it was over and that i was healthy and so was jack, i was sad because it was over and i wouldn't feel him or... like, he wasn't mine. I wasn't in charge of him anymore. I was confused, scared, happy, stressed, giddy. It was good that i had some time to myself.

Oh my gosh, my nurse took FOREVER to get me my pain meds! The epidural was wearing off and i was like "Hello? I can feel it!" I mean, i just had surgery and it seriously took her 20 minutes to get me the pain medication. How long does it take to grab a bag of fluid to hook up to me? Really? She would come in like every 5 minutes and say "Ok, the pharmacy is sending them up." and then she would massage my stomach!! What the?!? It hurt so bad, i think that was the worst pain i had out of the whole experience. I just had my stomach cut open and shes there rubbing away at it!! Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. I wasn't happy.

The first person to come in was Heather. She came over and we just hugged each other crying. I asked if he was a Jack, and she said that for sure he was. She said he was amazing, and since they had to stand outside of the nursery, my mom was mouthing things like "Hes perfect!" through the window. She said that he hadn't cried at all. She said that there were these two baby girls that were placed in the beds next to him, and they were 8 pounders, which isn't big, but compared to Jack she said they looked huge! And they were screeching, and every baby was crying, but Jack was just laying there all chill. He is the most content human i have ever seen :)

Kirk came in a few minutes later, and they gave me a present. It is this little plush white blanket that has stars on it, and they said it was for me to hold him in, and then i could keep it forever. It was so perfect, i almost started crying. They also gave me a delicious bag of chocolates. They know the way to my heart :)

They went back downstairs while my dad came. He was so sweet, he left the Nutcracker a little early to be there. He followed my bed as they rolled me a floor down to my new room. He talked about what was going on with Jack, how precious he was, asking me about my c-section. They rolled me in my room, and my mom, dad, and Heather and Kirk followed. Then they brought jack in. They put him in a stocking!! It was sooooo cute, and he only fit into about half of it. We just ooed and awed over him for a while, and then they left to get some sleep.

That night was the first all-nighter that i have ever pulled, but it was worth every second of it. There was no way that my mom and i were going to fall asleep! We took a billion pictures (well, about 300) and we just held him, tried feeding him, and my mom was nice to change him, i couldnt stand up. We just laughed and cried, and we kissed him and basically blinded him with all of the pictures. I held him, and but him on my chest, and it was just the best night ever. I will never forget it.

From wednesday to friday, it was just nurses coming in to give me meds, trying to find something on tv, holding jack and taking more pictures, and sleeping. I was starting to feel the exhaustion. They tried to have me stand, and walk, and it was so hard. It was the most painful thing. They said that walking helps it heal, so Heather and Kirk would push buddie in his little cart while i would walk hanging on to a wheelchair and my mom following, and we would walk around the floor every once in a while. I was so happy when i could eat, but i wasn't too hungry, because, comeon, my belly was cut through! Plus, hospital food is sooooo gross. Meatloaf, yum!! :P

On friday, i was told that i had the choice of doing placement that night or the next morning. My dad expressed that he thought friday night was better. Do it, sleep on it, work through it. I started panicking. It was so soon! That week had been amazing, just me and jack and my mom, in our own world. I was scared of the fact that i was handing over responsibility to them, not that i dont trust them, but i liked being in charge, being his mommy. But i had to make my decision, and i decided that night would be better. Once it was decided and people were contacted, there was just the countdown. I tried not looking at the clock. I just held him. The best part about him is that i know he recognizes my voice, he responds to it, especially when i say his name. That was comforting. I just tried to make the most out of that last day. Take more pictures, and just kiss him. Just hold him.

I dont want to write about that night and placement, because its very personal to me. It was the most spiritual thing i have ever experienced. I felt very calm, and knew it was the right thing. After, we all talked and laughed and hugged and cried and took pictures. Heather and Kirk gave me a Build-A-Bear with a Beatles shirt that they made. It is so dang cute :) After a while, it was time to go. But i didn't feel bad at all. I knew that wasn't the last time i was going to see him. They needed to keep him overnight to make sure he was eating ok and that his Belirubim was ok. Heather and Kirk were going to stay for a while and then come back in the morning. So my caseworker tried to roll me out, but the nurse saw us and flipped, telling us to wait and that she needed to take me. The fit she had was just funny, my caseworker and the other caseworker were like "Im going to kick her butt, she is being ridiculous". Haha, i really didn't care, but it was funny.

So, that my story. That week was the most amazing week of my life. It was full of tears and laughs, love and pain, and painkillers. I wont lie, i am proud of myself. I know that this decision was right, no doubt about it. Heather and Kirk love him to death, which is exactly how they should be. And i know he loves them, and he loves me too. And oh doggy, do i love him. He is a part of me. Everytime i see him i feel so much better, and he just brightens up my day. I have been lying here, crying, missing him, but i have his blanket to smell, and that helps. I look through our pictures together, and it makes me feel better. I really dont want to be his mom. That sounds really weird, but i cant imagine keeping him and trying to take care of him, i know that im not meant to do it. I would do something wrong. Heather is his mommy, and she and kirk are doing an amazing job. I dont feel the need to take care of him, but i do want to see him. I love seeing him, i could stare at him for hours on end. Im so grateful that they are so cool with dropping by. Ive seen him twice since placement, and i just love him to bits.

Sorry this was long. I will put pics on tomorrow!