It's Not Fair

I feel like i count down each day by my medicine. Op, its 6, time to take my 5 pills. Its funny how i heard so many different stories of labor, and everyone would always tell me how they were induced, or how their epidural didn't work, or how their doctor almost didn't make it in time, but no one ever told me about after labor. Personally, i would go through labor 5 times over than what im going through right now. Not that i had much of a labor... but contractions are NOTHING compared to the pain of your stomach muscles after they have been cut through. In the hospital, i had really bad gas because of the air let in during my c-section, and i still have it sometimes, and i cannot describe the pain. One, gas kills, and two, it was pushing against my incision, so it hurt! And my stomach just hurts anyway, its like having constant period cramps (sorry for the gentlemen reading this) and then someone punched you in the stomach. Really hard. Everyday.

Its just... the title, its a bit of an overstatement. I just look at myself, and i look at what i have been through, and then i look at Jasper, and what is he suffering? I had to lye in a hospital bed for 7 hours with an IV, an oxygen mask, getting shots and having contractions. Then i had to have major surgery, having my stomach cut open, which, let me say, may (notice the word may) make it harder for me to have future kids and i have to have c-sections for the rest of my births. Then i had to stay in the hospital for three days, lying in pain, couldn't even eat. For this next part, understand that i know it was the right decision and i have never EVER had doubts about it. But it kinda sucks having to give your child away. I mean, i wasn't giving him away, but i was giving away my rights as a parent, and that kinda sucks. The emotional strain that that has put on me is very hard, and im just grateful to Heather and Kirk for their love and willingness to let me see him. Ive seen him twice since the hospital and it has been so awesome.

Anyway, then the part of how ive been stuck in bed for the past week, taking medicine for pain, meds and cream for my huge rash that i got on my butt from the hospital bed, meds for my chest since it hurts like crap!! (sorry if thats too much info). I have to lie down, i bend over when i walk, i cry because it hurts. I sometimes shed a little tear for jack, i have to smell his blanket and it helps. I miss him so much. And i hurt. And what is Jasper going through? Name one thing that he is suffering right now. He gets to lye around with his new girlfriend, and go around to places hanging out, and do whatever he wants, like there isn't a care in the world. Im stuck in bed, while all of my old friends go to preference, and everyone on facebook is talking about... this great movie they saw, or how it sucks how that one guy wont talk to them. My friend, i understand that she was unaware that i was in labor, but right before i was going into my c-section, she texted me saying how she forgot that she has had a dress of mine for a while (yup, almost 2 years), and then while i was recovering, she asked if she could come and trade for this other dress that she wanted to use. I politely said that i wasn't lending out clothes anymore, but i would like my dress that she has back, and she told me that what i said was cold, being totally brattish. I mean, i just politely said it. I got kinda mad and said that i didn't feel like giving a dress (which by the way i worked my butt off on last year) to someone who didn't give a crap about me. She hasn't talked to me for months. She was my best friend. For years, especially while me and Jasper were together, and she completely ditched me when i got pregnant. And now she was asking to borrow a dress? How did she expect me to respond? And it was bad timing, i was kinda going through the hardest thing of my life. So she gave me a lecture about how friendship was a two way thing and i hadn't tried either. Hahahahahaha. Right.

I just... im not meaning to put anyone down. Its just hard. I love Jack, and i wouldn't have had anything any other way, but it just sucks. I wish i could be up and doing things. I wish i could have some sort of a senior year, but then i dont. I don't know how to talk to people my age, as ridiculous as that sounds. Ive said this before, and i mean it, i dont expect anyone to understand what i have gone through. How could they? I dont, and i am ok talking about it, i love telling people about how amazing jack is and how my ex boyfriend is the biggest man-whore alive, im really ok with it :) but this is a very hard transition. It is so hard going from the pregnant girl back to Mariel, and trying to plan out my life right now is kinda hard! I had this woman tell me back a few months ago that the most important thing i can do is make myself the best person. Jack is going to know me, he is going to be watching me, and the most important thing is that he can look at me and say "Yup, that is my mom" proudly. That hit me so hard. I need to make myself someone that Jack will be proud of. I could lye around and be lazy and wind down into a depression, or i can do the best in school, and live the best way i can and be the best person i can be.

So, that is my goal now. I want Jack to be proud of me, but i also want me to be proud of me. I know i can do a lot if i put my mind and will into it, so that is what i will do now. That is, when i can walk and eat normally again.

P.S. Apparently, Jasper is back in town. In the last email i sent him (well, my dad wrote it) it said that if he bothered me, we would get a restraining order. And i would. But part of me shudders at each doorbell ring. Pitiful, huh? But in a way, i want him to come to the door. I want him to see my paleness and see me hunched over, see the pain im in. And then i would slam the door in his face! Its a little fantasy ive had lately :)
P.P.S I dont want anyone to think that i am doubting my decision. Most of the tears i shed are for my hatred of Jasper. Hate is strong, but im using it. I dont think its fair, and it is probably supposed to be this way, but i am not understanding yet why i get to suffer and he doesn't. I guess ill understand it someday. Hopefully.