Show-and-Tell

Its like kindergarten all over again! After you have your baby, you get to tell your horror story at group, so me and another girl who tied with me for hardest birth (kidding, every labor is hard!!) told our stories. Heather and Kirk were way sweet and brought Jack, and me mum and dad came. Jack was a good sport, of course he slept. Hes never awake around me! Bad timing on my part, i guess. 

Awwww, Jack! He finally woke up, right before we were leaving. Little punk :) Aww, i just love him.

I LOVE those mittens, cant get over them. Hes all bundled up and ready to go. Look at those big eyes.

Hes just chillin in his seat. He is the most content and calm baby. He only cries and whines when hes hungry and when you are changing him (according to his mommy and daddy), but as soon as you stop whats annoying him hes happy and content again. He got hungry while we were there, after everyone left, and it is seriously so sad watching him cry! His face slowly scrunches up and he lets out a whimper. My dad and i were laughing so hard, because he was just so funny, and he would move his mouth in and out of O shapes, and just look around. And whenever he would whine, we all go "awww!" and copy him, which probably makes him mad if you think about it. Hes like "Im hungry here!" But as soon as he is fed, Jack is happy again. Gosh, he is so cute. I love him so much. I cant help but melt at his big eyes, and he always grabs my finger, which all of his fingers barely wrap around. I love it. And i love his smell, babies smell dang good!

As for me, im alright. It is hard, and people ask if it makes it harder when i see him, and it doesn't. Because we are family, it feels like we are, and when we are saying bye it isn't a final goodbye, it is like a "Bye, see you in a few days" or something. Because they are fine with me coming over anytime, and she is great by sending me picture messages everyday. She is very sweet and thoughtful. The Jasper thing is still hard. My counselor told me to write a letter to him, saying everything that i would want to say, and then burn it. I think that will be good, except im the type that wants to send it!! I want him to know what a !@#$%#^ he his. Pardon my french. Thats the hardest part right now. Feeling like im at this alone. Im grateful for my mom, who is with me every second and always has been. Her and my dad always talk to me and make me feel better. And i have met some awesome new friends at group. But its still like... i dont know. Its a heartache in so many different ways. My heart aches for Jack, but it also aches for Jasper in a sense. I wish he could just understand, and that Jack could grow up knowing who his daddy is. But thats not going to happen. The angry momma bear in me doesnt want him anywhere near my son. I feel like he is mine, i carried him, i delivered him, and Jasper has no part in it whatsoever. I now understand moms when they say "I carried you for nine months and went through labor with you!!" :)